and other ponderables on parenthood
- How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.
- That Barney and Baby Bop really are a parents best friend.
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house but you can spend lots trying!
- How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
- The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.
- Locations of public restrooms all across town.
- The many uses of a couch. Such as trampoline, climbing apparatus, food storage, toy box, wrestling ring and diving board.
- Why anyone would bother retracing thier steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
- That tigers live in the trees in our backyard and everyone has a family of bunnies in thier ears.
- The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool, and that you should never mix blue slurpees with any meal that contains corn.
- How to open a car door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
- The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.
- That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
- How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "UH-OH" its already to late, just call a plumber. BTW it costs $61.79 to dig out a McDonalds toy from your pipes.
- Almost every Disney lyric ever penned and how to sing it with the proper 3 year old pronounciations so as to avoid conflict.
- How to spell amoxicillin.
- That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
- A four year olds voice is louder than 300 adults in a crowded restaraunt.
- Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
- That Ketchup is available in a 1.2 L size plastic bottle
- That reverse psychology really works.
- That a baby can detect a freshly washed floor by smell and make a mess faster than you can run around the island in your kitchen while dodging a tricycle and diving for the sippy cup flying through the air.
- The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.
- That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
- The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
- Why tupperware is a billion dollar company. (plastic containers to seal rice and cereal)
- Why they call them Happy meals. (they meaning the plumber AND your children)
- The names of the leaders of Celesteville, Busytown and the Pride Lands (Babar, Mayor Fox, and Mufasa, Scar and Simba)
- How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
- That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
- That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy's underpants have a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that she'll pull 'em on in tangles or upside down or go in through a leg hole. Also boys have the tag in the back while girls have the tag on the left side (or was that the right?)
- Sesame Street's air time on every channel so that at any given time Elmo and Big Bird are at my fingertips.
- The remarkable resemblance of a state-of-Florida puzzle piece (or a plastic hammer, a splay-legged Barbie or a piece of cheese sculpted just so by tiny bites) to a gun.
- That no matter how involved you are in your child's life the teacher always tells you something new about your child on Parent Teacher day.
- Translations of myella, babana, panyo, snunk, maldations, and nibbles (vanilla, banana, piano, skunk, dalmations and nipples).
- That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
- The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
On the odd chance that you are not a parent
and read this page anyway I have a few tips here for you in case you are considering parenthood. Read on, then after you have a child or two come back and reread the first part of this page.... shake your head knowingly and remember wistfully the days when you had no idea what I was talking about. Then go pop in your fishsticks for supper, finish your 4 daily loads of laundry, wrestle your kids into bed and have a nice day;-)
PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again with the bag till 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along
the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into
the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even comtemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Bobby's World. When you find yourself humming the tune to Bobby's World at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Okay let's suppose children came to us as a bundled package, like software. You aquire this child without any idea what you are getting into. Basically you have no idea what is in the package until after you have ripped off the plastic and opened the box (at this point rendering the product unreturnable). So here you have a child and you have no idea how it will fit into your life. What if it turns out not to be compatible with your system? Well you just have to cope and make the best of it. Since a return policy is not going to work here your only hope is upgrading your system to allow for your child to be compatible with your present hardware. See that is what it would be like if children came like software... WAIT A MINUTE! That is how it IS! Hmmmm... hey! What about our helpline at least???
It's morning and you are having a bad day so far with your 2 year old. What do you do? Why you call your friendly Toddler Helpline of course.
Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline.
How may I help you?
Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit.
I have reason to believe that it is malfunctioning.
O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?
P : State the nature of the problem? You asked for it - my toddler
is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!
O : Okay sir, please calm down - you don't need to shout.
Now, I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist
you fully. Number one - do have the boy or the girl unit?
P : A boy unit - why?
O : Okay, I see - and number two - is your boy toddler unit
just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling
with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail -
is the ceiling fan turned ON?
P : No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on,
and he is tied to the fan! Why does any of that matter?
He is TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him there,
he is an ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know-how.
Obviously, the unit is malfunctioning!
O : Listen, sir - I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler
unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is
absolutely nothing wrong with your unit - it is functioning up
to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?
P : Now YOU listen, lady - I spent a lot of money on this model,
and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in
technical support!
O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on
an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the
Marquis de Sade.
P : Sheesh - If you can't help me, then I want to order an
instruction manual!
O : Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order
a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too
difficult for you to comprehend!
P : Then just tell me where the off switch is! You can do that,
can't you?
O : Sorry, sir - no can do! Only product development knows where
that is, and they're not telling!
P : Okay, I want a REFUND - PRONTO!!
O : I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom-made and
totally NON-REFUNDABLE!
P : Can I at least exchange it for another model?
O : No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are
just as much trouble, are more expensive to maintain,
and the whining - well, let's just say you got off easy with
the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire,
but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!
P : Great, just GREAT - NOW what am I supposed to do?
O : Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU,
I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call
the doctor and make an appointment - for YOU!
You sound stressed - stress can kill!
P : Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me
first! Geez - thanks, Lady - for NOTHING!!
O : Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget
cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is
required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call.
Have a nice day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.
The scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching
his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE!
as the fan slowly turns around and around and around............
As one more bit of helpful information I have included a useful dictionary. Hopefully this will help new parents or perhaps a desparate Aunt who happens to be babysitting Susy and Junior. You might want to print the following list of definitions out and keep it posted in a visible location for easiest translating.
- AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.
- DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
- FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
- FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
- GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
- HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
- INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
- OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
- PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
- PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry clean shoes into it.
- SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
- STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
- TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
- TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.
- VERBAL: able to whine in words
- WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house and along similar
lines:
When the parenting gets tough and you feel like hiding in a closet just remember you are not alone. Lots of parents feel like that and wish for a time long gone full of innocence and sheer happiness.
I Want To Be Six Again
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. . .
the tax base is lower. . .
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make waves with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money 'cause you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof. I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips. I want to be happy because I don't know what should make me upset.
I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be six again. I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever. I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life, and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to watch cartoons on Saturday morning in my pajamas.
I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.
I want to be six again. I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.
I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet, and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.
I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up. Maybe this time I'll be a fireman, or a cowboy, or an explorer.
I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or second thoughts about so many things.
I want to travel back and build a snowman without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
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