Funny Family Quotes
From Famous Funny People



Dave Barry
Babies & Other Hazards Of Sex

- Getting pregnant is an extremely major thing to do, especially for the woman, because she has to become huge and bloated and wear garments the size of cafe awnings.

- In primative times, having a baby was very inexpensive. When the women were ready to give birth, they simply went off and squatted in a field; this cost nothing except a nominal field-rental charge. Today, of course, the medical profession prefers that you have your baby in a hospital, because only there can doctors, thanks to the many advances in medical equipment and techniques, receive large sums of money.

- Important advice for husbands - You must not let your wife think that you find her unattractive just because she's getting tremendously fat. Go out of your way to reassure her on this point. From time to time, say to her: "I certainly don't find you unattractive just because you're getting tremendously fat."

- You're going to be dealing with a number of professional childbirth experts, so you ought to know that they all have this very strict rule: when they talk about childbirth they never use the word "pain". They use the International Childbirth Profesional Code Word for pain, which is "contraction".

- Childbirth is like vampires: it never strikes before sundown.

- The Basic Baby Mood Cycle -
Mood 1: Just about to cry
Mood 2: Crying
Mood 3: Just finished crying



Bill Cosby
Fatherhood

- So you've decided to have a child. You've decided to give up quiet evenings with good books and lazy weekends with good music, intimate meals during which you finish whole sentences, sweet private times when you've savored the thought that just the two of you and your love are all you will ever need. You've decided to turn your sofas into trampolines, and to abandon the joys of leisurely contemplating reproductions of great art for the joys of frantically coping with reproductions of yourself.
WHY?

- A father enters his son's room and sees that the boy is missing his hair.
"What happened to your head?" the father says, beholding his skin-headed son. "Did you get a haircut?"
"I don't know," the boy replies.
"You don't know if you got a haircut? Well tell me this: Was your head with you all day?"
"I don't know." says the boy.

- And so, in spite of our reservtions about this scary buisness of reproduction, we must admit that people look happy when they're carrying babies. the male looks especially happy because he has someone to carry it for him, his darling packager.

- The baby came out, and my wife and I were suddenly sharing the greatest moment in our lives. This was what we had asked God for; this is what we wanted to see if we could make. And I looked at it lovingly as they started to clean it off, but it wasn't getting any better.
And then I went over to my wife, kissed her gently on the lips, and said, "Darling, I love you very much. You just had a lizard."

- When a man has children, the first thing he has to learn is that he is not the boss of the house. I am certainly not the boss of my house. However, I have seen the boss's job and I don't want it, for sometimes the boss ends up sitting alone in a room and talking to herself as if the enemy were there: "What do you mean you don't want to do it? When I tell you to do something, you do it and you don't stand there practicing for law school!"

- Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotentence did not extend to His kids. After creating the heaven, the earth, the oceans and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't." To the animals He never said, "Don't"- he hurled no negatives at the elephant- but to the brightest of His creatures, the ones who get into Yale, He said, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
Is this begining to sound familiar? You never realized the the pattern of your life had been laid down in the Garden of Eden.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped at elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent said.
"Uh-huh," said Adam.
"Then why did you?"
"I dont know," Adam said.



Erma Bombeck
Just Wait Until You Have Children Of Your Own

- I know that is too late now, but I have long felt that I was foolish not to limit my family . . . to a parakeet with his tongue clipped.

- Call it mother's intuition. I can always tell when my son loses his glasses. On arriving home from school, he will nod to the dog and rub me playfully on my stomach. Then he will open the dryer and yell, "What's for snack?"

- Teen-agers generally rate their clothes much the same as movies are rated.
"G" - clothes appeal to a general audience. This is any apparel that is fake and furry, short and tight and looks like a donation the missions in Bwantanga sent back.
"R" - usually applies to items like raincoats and clean sneakers. It means they're restricted to boys under 16 who are accompanied by their parents.
"M" - is a rating for boots and clip-on ties. You wear these only after you are married.
"X" - are no-nos and include pastel socks, red lipstick, tie shoes, warm hats with bills and zip-in linings.

- Prom fat is not a disease for all seasons. It manifests itself in teen-age girls two weeks before the prom. Not three, not one, but two weeks.

- There are several theories on how parents can survive the intelligence of their teen-agers.
1)They can bury them at age 12 and dig them up again when they are 20. (Some feel this is too soon.)
2)They can leave town and bequeath the kids to a recording that says, "Same to you fella."
3)They can up the cocktail hour to ten-thirty in the morning.