Children at the Birth of a Sibling
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Others Share Their Experiences
I borrowed some home birth videos from our midwife (Gentle Birth Choices is a good one, but she couldn't find her copy). I watched them with him and talked about the baby coming out and that sometimes mommy might scream, yell, cry, etc., but that was just part of helping the baby come out
and it was okay.
Our son was 28 months old when I went into labor. I had my mom there to help with him and he came in and out during the labor. I asked him if he wanted to be there when the baby came out and he went back and forth between yes and no. I decided to leave it up to God and Liam so I prayed that if Liam would be able to handle it that
he would be awake and want to be in there and if he couldn't then he would sleep through what he couldn't handle or not be around.
He slept through the hardest part of the labor then played outside because the noise I was making during a difficult transition was upsetting to him. He was getting cleaned up to be at the birth when she was born. He came into the room less than a minute after she was born and when he realized what had happened his face lit up and he exclaimed, "BABY" and then "Baby bunnies"
(that's what we call the bottom). She has always been "our baby" and he is very close to her.
There is a video called "Children At Birth" we saw in our Bradley class and then, this time, borrowed from our midwife that is good.
~ Crystal
Even up until my due date, we were unsure about
whether or not we wanted our son, who was 27 mos. old,
to be at the birth. He had watched several birthing
videos and was very excited about the baby coming out
of mommy's tummy. But when I began having
contractions that Monday afternoon it soon became
clear that Daniel needed to go to Grandma's. I just
wanted to concentrate on what was happening with my
body and couldn't focus with him wanting attention.
So Grandma came and got him.
By Wednesday, I still hadn't had the baby and so my
midwife started me on herbs to induce labor. They
worked really well for a while, but by 6 p.m. she had
decided to go home. "Your contractions are so
irregular - at this point I'm just a distraction. I'm
going to go home for a while but first let me check
your diallation one more time." Well, my water broke
then, and needless to say my midwife didn't make it
home that evening. Our 10 lb 6 oz baby girl was born
1 hour and 40 minutes later! It was the most intense
and painful birth I could have ever imagined. I was
making lots of noise, having incredible close together
contractions immediately after my water broke. There
was a lot of confusion with the midwife and my husband
running around preparing things because all of a
sudden we were having a baby right now! The actual
birth was somewhat tense because the baby got a little
stuck after the head emerged. She also needed oxygen.
Everything turned out ok, the baby is healthy and
I wouldn't trade my birth experience for the world.
(I bet it would have been a c-section, or at least a
vacuum extraction at the hospital - I'm pretty sure
she wouldn't have come out if I had been laying on my
back.)
Nonetheless, I was somewhat shocked in the days
after the birth. I had pictured my homebirth being
like the videos I had watched of serene moms gently
giving birth with their smiling family standing
happily around. I had at least expected it to be
something like my 1st hospital birth, which was calm,
although it included a vacuum extraction. I was
totally unprepared for the incredibly intense labor
that I had.
A few days after birth I remembered that we had
really considered having our son there. My response
was, "Thank you God! He would have been so scared and
tramatized."
I know that a lot of people do have gentle births
with their children there and it can be a really
positive experience. But the possibility of it being
a tense situation that could be very frightning for a
child should always be considered. I was taken
totally by surprise when my birth turned out to be
inappropriate for my son to experience and I am really
thankful that he wasn't there.
~ Sara
When I learned that I was pregnant with my third child, the first thing I did was to share the news with my husband and my two kids. I knew that this was going to be my last child so I wanted it to be very special, not only for me but for the entire family. I took my children (11&6) to my appointments so they could hear the baby's heartbeat, too, which I thought was a good start towards having a new baby arriving pretty soon and getting used to him. I gave both of my children the choice of being there in the delivery room with me and Dad. My eleven year old was so happy with the proposition that he immediately said yes. On the other hand, my six year old was not sure about whether he wanted to be in there or not. I asked him several times during the pregnancy, but still he was not sure.
When the time came we all went to the hospital with my mother just in case I needed her help with my six year old. All of us went into the room and just when it was time for the baby to be born my six year old decided he did not want to be there (lucky me my mom was there). My eleven year old stayed with me and my husband, and what an experience for him that was. He took as many pictures as possible, and he had the experience of putting the first diaper to the baby. My six year old came after the baby was born and he got to do the footprints. As you can see it is a decision you need to let the sibling take. For me it was the perfect thing, but not to my six year old. He was not ready to have that kind of experience.
Richard Jordan Duckworth's Birth as told by me, his sister
September 30, 1979
Richardson, Texas
It was 6:00am and I was 6 years old and there was a sibling en route when my father woke me up. My parents asked me if I wanted to be there for the birthing and I had said something to the effect of "sure." My mother was very calm; she told me that having a baby was not at all like on TV; she told me that it did not hurt and I believed her.
I sat in my neighbor's lap and watched as the baby's head would push out just a little and the midwife would massage my mother and let the the head suck back in. I remember thinking that this baby had an awful lot of hair and that it was taking an awful long time coming out. When his head did finally come
out, all of the midwife's massage paid off, as my mother did not tear at all (no small feat, as my brother weighed 12lbs!)
The rest of his body came so fast it made everyone jump including my mother. He was placed on my mother's stomach, and she rubbed on him while everyone tried to convince her that indeed he was a boy (she KNEW she was having a girl, and she KNEW that it was just the umbilical cord).
I thought that he looked like a grub worm he was so slithery and covered in vernix. I got to hold him before he was even cleaned up. People have often asked if he and I have any relationship at all because we're so far apart in age...they just don't know about the bond of birth.
~ Allison
Used by permission of author
As part of the written protocols for my home based practice...."children of
any age who are expected to attend birth MUST have been involved with a
'sibling class' and have present at the birth, a caregiver specifically for
them, who has NO other responsibilities".
Birth is a beautiful and miraculous event,
having our children present only
makes this more so. Children who are exposed to the basics throughout
pregnancy are more likely to feel comfortable coming and going from the home
birthing suite as necessary, rather than either staying away completely or
clinging to mom while she works out of fear, no matter the age. I strongly
encourage clients to have children participate at their own level, while
preparing them as well as possible relative to their age. Just as it is
important for parents to educate and prepare themselves for birth, so with
children.
SOME HINTS:
***Even a 23 month old is not *too* young to
be in the same room while you
watch and discuss some birth videos with your midwife and others attending
birth and have prenatal care in her presence.
***Noises that are unusual are especially threatening to many young children.
Practice making different soothing, growling, huffing, puffing, growling,
whatever noises with your child...can be lots of fun....my young one and I
frequently would howl like wolves together
***Have some prenatal care in the room/site that you intend to be your
birthing suite, with your child present, so that youngster becomes accustomed
to this and it does not seem unusual to her.
***Whatever role the babies father will have, can be practiced somewhat as a
"game" with your child...dad sitting behind mom supporting her while you all
watch a video together, or read a book, or sing songs....the goal here is
familiarity....goes a long way toward increasing the comfort level of us all,
but especially children
***If you expect to be clothed differently than ususal during birth (i.e.
less clothing), begin dressing this way before birth to improve comfort and
have this be *normal* to your child-maybe for an hour or two of private time
with your family...not necessarily to entertain
***Perhaps your midwife and all who will be at birth will have a trial run
with the equipment at your late pregnancy home visit, to expose the little
one to all the shiny new "toys", ...we plan this as a long visit, with food
and lots of discussion...
***ALL persons who plan to be at the birth should be well known to your
child, whether through prenatal visits, home birth classes or visits designed
specifically to increase your childs comfort level with the folks who will be
very intimate with her mum.
***After the birth, it is one of my greatest pleasures to make the big sib
comfy and give them their new baby to hold for a few moments. Recalling how
even the youngest of children are moved by holding the baby, I feel tears brewing this moment myself
This is just "food for thought", not for everyone, by the way.
I am sure others have some ideas...I would sure like to hear them. Especially you
parents who have been there...what seemed to help you and yours?
Blessings and joyous outcomes,
midge, home based midwife in the florida keys, usa
I've got some experience with this! My four older kids have all been present
for the births of their younger siblings. Assuming the child wants to be
there, I think preparation is the key. Here are a few of the things we've
done to prepare:
Read books about birth and babies. Our favorites: Mom and Dad and I Are
Having a Baby and Our Brand New Baby by MaryAnn Malecki, CNM. A Child is Born and How Was I Born by Lennart Nilson. We Gave Birth Together by Karen Michele (great photos).
Talk about what birth is really like. *Practice* the sounds you'll make in
labor. Discuss the fact that there will be blood but explain that it's
different from when you get hurt. Explain what the midwife's equipment is
and what it is for.
Watch the video or look at the photos of your older child's birth. (My kids
never get tired of watching themselves be born!)
Take your child to prenatal visits. Let him/her get to know the midwife.
Arrange for a someone to be there just for your child at the birth. Ideally
it is someone your child knows well and is comfortable with. Make sure this
person is willing to miss the actual birth if your child is uncomfortable and
wants to leave.
Some of the special things my kids have done (or I have seen other kids do)
during labor and after the birth:
Take photos
Get drinks or food for mom
Hold a flashlight for the midwife (not really needed but it made him feel so
important)
Touch the babies head before it was completely out
Be the one to announce the sex of the baby
Say a special prayer for the baby
Dress the baby for the first time, including choosing the clothes. (Even if
it means just *helping* by putting on the baby's hat or wrapping the blanket
around baby)
Help announce the news to relatives when you make those first phone calls
It all depends on the child, the parents and the birthing situation. I
believe hospital birth would probably be much scarier for a child than
homebirth since it is a strange place with strange people. I also believe
that children are generally very good at accepting whatever their parents
accept and present matter-of-factly.
~ Karen Bove
My 7 year old daughter was in my room when I was in Labor and there as soon
as I left the operating room with the rest of my family and friends. I think
it was a very good experience for her and I think it brought them closer to
each other. She got to hold her first and she read aloud a letter to her she
wrote and sang her a song. I was so worried that she would be so jealous of
the baby, since she had been our baby for so long, but she is quite the
opposite. The funny thing is that on the way home from the hospital she had
many questions for daddy since she just saw mommy have a very bad labor and then a C-section delivery. For example, she asked "Do you have to have a baby when you get a boyfriend or married, because I don't want to have any kids, I want to adopt!!!
~ Lisa
My experience with children at birth has been that they deal well with the *birth* but not the *labor*. Especially if it is a long labor. But every child is different. You should have someone assigned to James at the birth so that he constantly has someone with him and he can leave at any time if he wants to.
~ Allison Chase
Labor Assistant
I remember when my last daughter was born. I had woken
in the morning to another batch of contractions and sent my husband off to work. My then 3 year old daughter woke up to find me in the tub (she woke up with chicken pox!!!!) So I invited her in the tub with me and we stayed in there, her soothing me through contractions. I still remember how grown up she acted, just as good as any doula or midwife. When my midwife
and husband arrived home, she lost interest and went to watch cartoons. My two sons woke up just before I started pushing (they were arguing over which cartoons to watch!) When I started pushing (3 minutes later) they all came to the bedroom door. When I opened my eyes and saw them standing there I told them they could come in. They climbed on the bed next to me and the
conversation goes something like this,
"What's happening?"
"Mom's gonna have the baby."
"Oh."
"Well, what's she doing?"
"I don't know."
(someone else) "She's pushing the baby out."
"Oh."
"What's that?"
"Hair."
"There's the ears."
"Oh look a nose."
"Ohhh the head."
And after my baby slipped out, my 3 year old jumped up and down with the most delicious look of amazement and said, "Ohhhhhh it's a BABY!!!!!!!!!"
We had planned on having someone there to take care of the kids, as well as someone to video, and some of the midwives that I am close too. But little Rebecca didn't want to wait! This whole process above was an hour from beginning to end!!
Nobody but the midwife and my husband and kids were there. :) My point is that kids do great at birth. Show them videos, pictures, talk to them and have someone there just for them.
~ Pamela
Q. How did Sage do seeing his mom in labor? How old was he? Did you explain everything that was going to happen?
A. Sage was awesome. He was sooo excited. A couple things helped with this. One,
it was his idea to have a baby. In public he would point at babies and say, "I want one of those." This daughter of ours was his baby from the beginning. He waited and stared at the test until the dots showed. We called her "your baby" during pregnancy. He went to all prenatals and listened to her heart.
It was Sage who told us his baby was a girl. He was two at the time of her birth.
We spent a lot of time looking through a book called "A Child is Born" and shopping together and unpacking his old baby clothes and toys. As Ivy's birthday got closer, we chose someone to be there only for him and made sure he knew that. It made him feel very special. Also he got to pick a stuffed animal that would only be Ivy's. He has a dragon that is very dear to him and
felt that our new baby would like a rabbit, so we went to find one. We had to wait until easter and she was born already, but he was the one who picked which one he felt she needed. Today she says, "This is only mine! Sage picked it to me!" and keeps it out of the baby toy basket.
We told him that getting babies born takes a long time and hurts and can get pretty dull for big brothers. I explained that my muscles, not our baby, would be hurting me. I squeezed his arm gently that morning in the rocking chair in time with contractions so he would know what was happening. We told
him babies are like tadpoles on the inside, and when it's time to get born the water goes out and some blood too but that it was trash stuff and nobody needed it anymore. Just like old bath water.
I really cherished the time with him that morning, our last hours together without having to share each other.
We didn't really know how it was all going to happen. My husband has a big thing about "living in the now" and "not thinking a feeling" and having no expectations. We tried to prepare Sagers for what might happen without making it sound scary. He is a deep thinker and speaks his mind with little tact so we knew if he had a question he would just blurt it out. We let my midwife answer those. She lets siblings learn answers to most questions hands-on. "How does that stefoscope work" = "Here, try it out. put these white things in your ears. Put the round thing on your dad."
I have no doubt that when he's grown, he will be catching his own babies.
~ mouse
My baby was born today after two hours of irregular contractions last night, a night's rest, and then five hours of labor this morning. She was born into water with my husband behind me and my children outside the tub jumping up and down saying, "Isn't it fun to have babies?" I was thinking, "Yeah, fun for you!" I felt like I needed to push, but then when I did it felt like not the thing to do. My midwife (who I absolutely love) checked for a lip and there was one.
she held it during the next contraction and that took me to 10. the water broke and three pushes later baby came out. I was able to catch her thanks to the water. I have mild cerebral palsy so one of my hands does not work reliably; but with the help of the water, I was able to do it.
We had no idea who this baby was because our daughter Ivy Rose had the job of being the peepee checker. She was busy for the longest time figuring out how to work her disposable camera. When she decided she was ready to do her job, she squealed with delight to discover an inside peepee (as opposed to
outside).
While baby got her weight, etc., taken care of, Ivy Rose sang a "I have a baby sister" song happily to herself. This is the same girl who almost a year ago said, "A new baby? I'M the baby!" and spent months trying to figure out how we could be making a second HER.
Sage hopped around the house and goofed around while we did something ridiculously called uterine massage, which is really an attempt to push your uterus outside your body!!! After an hour or so he decided he was ready to do his job, and proceeded to cut the cord.
The baby nursed right away and howls when she is not plugged in.
Thanks to this list, I decided to give waterbirth a try and it went very smoothly and quickly. The water was great and never again will I birth on the bed. With the water, I was able to lean again my husband and relax as much as possible. He easily supported me even while pushing. He was able to move me when I could not move myself - how are you supposed to relax legs which contain bones and muscles?! - and he breathed with me when I couldn't remember how to, and this made calm waves in the water. I could feel his chest rise and fall with each
breath, and I could feel the water on my skin. I was essentially surrounded with gentle reminders of how to work my body.
Baby came out with a minimum of trauma. I had no tears. She had no molding and no bruising. No part of the birth process frightened my daughter (I was worried she'd freak out). Our friend who came to cater and spoil my children had never been to a birth before but seemed suprised at how it is nothing like the movies!
Baby nursed and slept for about 12 hours. She does not like light one bit. We try to keep things as dark as we can for her. About 11 tonight she lifted her head off my chest and took her first look around.
Now my family is asleep, and I sit here wearing lumpy pads and nursing my newest daughter while catching up on the list. I don't feel tired. I just want to look at her and touch her and kiss her to bits.
Her name is Sequoia Dove.
~ mouse
I can tell you from personal experience that all the births I've been to with children attending were absolutely magical. Most children just take it all in stride because at home, birth feels very natural to them, and their bonding with their new sibling is very much enhanced by being as close as they are comfortable to the actual birth. Some kids fall asleep until the baby is born, and others watch the whole thing with awe. No matter how young they are, they usually fit right in with the energy. It is a
good idea to have someone there to help them assimilate what is going on and to allow them to come and go as they please. This is another reason home birth is so great.
~ Julie
Many of these stories are from posts to the homebirth mailing list. All stories copyright 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000 by their author
Also see this homebirth story which includes ideas on having a child at the birth of a sibling.
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