My Journal--Second Month

We went for a walk today in the park. All of us went--John, Ellen, Calvin, and me. It was really fun. It was a longer walk than the one we went on the other day. John and I talked a lot and that was great, plus it was nice to be out of the house and getting fresh air. I carried Calvin in the sling. Ellen walked, but Daddy carried her on his shoulders most of the way home.

Jan 19, 1999

Ellen scratched him tonight. She bit his toe this weekend. She gives lots of kisses. She makes me nervous. . . especially when she gets hyper. I really think she likes and loves him, but gets over-excited plus may feel some jealousy and not know how to handle it. Calvin only likes the sling in cradle hold--in the position where he can nurse; he likes to nurse and sleep in it.

He sleeps well at night... has almost since birth. He needs about two diaper changes at night. He goes right back to sleep after being nursed. He sleeps in our bed, and I love it. He has some sleepy days and some more awake days. He likes to nurse quite a bit, but he is not at all as demanding as Ellen was at that age. We can comfort him really easily. His infant acne if finally going away.

Jan 20, 1999

John's dad died this morning. It was expected, but death seems to be shocking even when expected. John's mom passed out when it happened. It was neat that yesterday we spent about 6 or so hours up there. John's dad couldn't talk and had his eyes closed, but he could hear us. Calvin hadn't been up to visit him yet, and we thought it would be nice if they could meet each other even under these circumstances. It was nice to be around John's mom, too. I think our being there really helped her. Calvin did great there. He slept in the sling part of the time.

Oh, a hospice worked saw Calvin and thought he had a nice-shaped head and seemed real impressed with him... of course. :) He's such a great kid!!

Jan. 21, 1999

Calvin nursed *lots* today. Perhaps a growth spurt?

Jan. 23, 1999

On Thursday he had his first "real" outing. My husband and I went and watched some children at church for a women's Bible study. He nursed and slept in the sling some of the time. I think a couple moms liked the sling. Calvin was sleeping in it when they dropped their kids off in the nursery, and when they came to pick them up, so they thought he was in there the whole time! lol He had more infant acne while he was a church for some reason... though the spots seemed to be less after we got home. Maybe it was stress? or maybe it was the lighting in the nursery that made them show up more. Oh, well. :) He's a cutie with or without the acne! One mom was impressed with his big cheeks. Another mom said he had a nice-shaped head.

Here's something I thought was rather funny... at least four people in a row who came into the nursery to see Calvin asked if he was a good baby. I said a big "yes!!" to their inquiries. It's funny that people ask that so much, especially since that is so subjective. But honestly, he is such a sweet baby. We carry him *lots*, sleep with him, nurse on demand, and generally try to meet his needs, so I am thrilled that he's so content! Some parents will say this creates a demanding child.... well, I certainly don't agree!!!!!!

Jan. 22

We went signed up for WIC today. The lady who helped us was so great! She is a lactation consultant. She doesn't like the "Growing Kids God's Way" parenting program... says she has seen failure-to-thrive babies of moms who use the program. She really felt moms have a God-given maternal instinct. It was so cool to talk with her. I'm very glad she's the one who helped us sign up. She even nursed one of her children until age three *and* helped her sister deliver her baby at home... the baby came so quickly that the midwife didn't make it. She was excited by the experience instead of thinking it was terribly scary. She sounded like she really enjoyed it!! Cool!!!!

Anyway, Calvin was 11 pounds 9 ozs!!! Big guy! :) And 23 inches long. She weighed Ellen, too, and she was 31 pounds and 37 inches tall. :)

I am so "in-love" with my newborn that I've been feeling guilty for being so annoyed with Ellen a lot lately. She's been my precious baby for three years now, but all of a sudden she just seemed so *huge*. I'd been warned about how big the older child seems after the birth of a baby, but I still am amazed at how much she seemed to grow after his birth. A few days after the birth, I really felt sad that our relationship had changed. I missed her when John watched her so I could get some sleep with Calvin. I felt rather depressed.

Then as time went by I started getting really annoyed with her. She is sometimes to rough with Calvin and I want to protect him so much that I feel sometimes like I just want her to get away so she can't hurt him. I think I have what someone called the "Mother Bear instinct." It's been so stressful for me. She started to really get on my nerves. She has been sooooo demanding lately and argumentative, and always asks "why?" I love her... but I don't feel all that "in-love" with her and sometimes in the past weeks I've felt I didn't particlularly like her, so it's been so sad. Isn't that awful?????????

But today was better!!!!! Yayh!!!! I am trying to give her more hugs and tell her that I love her more and hold her in my lap more, stuff like that. She was better today... not so whiny and didn't really have a temper tantrum today! Yayh!! I'm gonna keep trying to show her how much I love her. That will make me be more postive and *feel* more like I love her. I'm gonna let her know how much I *like* her and let her know how wonderful I think she is. Things will get better, I know. :)

Jan. 27, 1999

Calvin nursed *lots* yesterday... almost every hour during the day. He has days when he is more wakeful and days when he is more sleepy. Yesterday he was awake a lot. Today he slept a little more.

Ellen has been going to bed so much better now and has been easier to get along with. She's still more whiny than I want her to be, and she likes to do things I expressly tell her not to do. It's weird, though... I think sometimes she really doesn't get it that she's doing something she's not supposed to do. She thinks it's funny or something.

It's really hard for me to nurse her. Calvin nurses so often sometimes and then she wants to nurse and it's so overwhelming sometimes. I don't let her nurse as much as she would like to and when she does nurse I don't let her nurse as long as she would like too. I feel bad. She asks me why I don't let her nurse very long. I don't know what to give her as an answer. Even on days when Calvin doesn't nurse as much, it's still hard for me to nurse her. I don't know why I find it to be so hard. I want so much to enjoy nursing her. I wish I could change how I feel. Please change!!!!!

I think she is learning to be gentler with Calvin. I need to let her hold him more. I think they will be great friends as he gets older and his neck is stronger and he can play more! Smiles will be helpful, too. Then he can show her what he really likes her to do, and she'll probably be encouraged to do it more.

He is starting to have some smiles, but not really that much. It will be wonderful when he has lots of smiles for *us*... and not just while he is looking I'm not sure where.

Jan 28, 1999

Calvin didn't sleep much today, but this evening he is sleeping a lot. I knew he was probably getting tired being awake for so long! :)

I talked with a friend about tandem nursing. She understands so much how I feel... she's been there--she tandem nursed her girls. I feel better having talked to her. She told me that different hormones are excreted when my toddler nurses than when my newborn nurses... so many of my feelings are hormonal!! This is because they suck so differently. What a relief to find out it's hormonal. But I still wish I could change. Nursing actually went better today. My friend said that singing the "Twelve Days of Christmas" while nursing her toddler helped her. I tried it today and it seemed to help. lol

Feb. 2, 1999

Calvin nursed a lot on Saturday and slept a lot on Sunday. He hasn't been very fussy at all. He was fussy a little last week. He nursed a lot and was a little fussy... perhaps a growth spurt?

He seems so big to me! So much bigger than Ellen was. He seems older than he is to me because he is so much bigger than Ellen was at that age. He is absolutely gorgeous!!! I love him so much. He makes the cutest faces. And he is finally starting to smile more. He still doesn't smile much *at* us, but he does smile. His smiles are sooooooo cute!!!!

Ellen is going to bed so much better at night. These days I am not so annoyed at her and am really starting to feel much more positive in my feelings toward her. She is a very special little girl. She sounds so grown-up sometimes. She uses such long sentences sometimes, it amazes me. Frequently I find myself almost forgetting that she only just turned three, and I end up expecting too much of her.

I have to be careful not to hurt her feelings. She seems to be more sensitive since Calvin's birth. She wants desperately to be reassured of our love for her. She wants to be liked and to be given attention. Sometimes she does things that I think are weird or make me annoyed, and when I take the time to try and understand what she means by what she is doing, I see that she is doing something wonderful and kind and sweet.

Today she asked kinda often to nurse.

Calvin is sleeping in his carseat on the floor beside me. Tonight he took a little long to go to sleep. He really nursed a lot this evening. He doesn't nurse much in bed at night, though. Sometimes when he stirs in his sleep I will offer to nurse him, but he usually isn't interested. At least he nurses some at night. I'd hate to get my period back early!

Feb. 4, 1999

Ellen, Calvin, and I went for a walk in the park today. We went to the "swings and slides." Calvin slept the whole time in the sling. That was great, though carrying him for so long like that made my back a little sore.

One of the big toys at the park was falling apart, so Ellen couldn't climb on it, so that was disappointing, but she did get to swing and climb on the small big toy.

Calvin and I went to a La Leche League meeting tonight. There were many babies there. Calvin was a little bit fussy. I hate to call it fussy, though. I think maybe he could sense my uncomfortableness being around all those people. I felt self-conscious... though I'm sure they probably really weren't paying much attention to me and my uneasiness was unnecessary. Calvin and I left the room three times, and each time he calmed down, and of course so did I.

Feb. 7, 1999

Today in church Ellen asked to nurse even before Calvin did. Argh! Oh, well. We went out to the car and nursed and then went inside and then it was Calvin's turn. Sigh. :) I feel like I nurse sooooo often sometimes. Mentally, I just am not able to nurse Ellen for as often or as long as she would like to, and even when I try to nurse her more, she is still not happy because it's not as much as she wants. It's frustrating sometimes. She has started putting her fingers in her mouth somtimes. I'm not sure what that is all about. A few times I've offered to nurse when I noticed them in her mouth, but it's too hard to offer everytime she puts them in her mouth.

Calvin still usually nurses lots in the evening. Today he slept quite a lot. It's funny because he slept a lot last Sunday, too.

After church I put him in the sling. He looked so cute in there. I put him in kind of a modified kangaroo hold with his head leaning against the side where the buckle is. I'll have to have John take a picture. This is the second time I put him in this way that he's liked it. He's starting to like to face outward now. The other day I put him in the sling in this position when I was folding laundry, and he fell asleep.

Feb 13, 1999

The women at our church had a baby shower for us today. It was really nice!! We got a lot of nice clothes for Calvin. It was fun getting to know some of the women better. Nursing "in public" went fine, too!! Calvin was great. :) Mom got to hold him more than she ever has before. She held him while I ate and most of the time I opened presents.

The daughter of a lady whose mom had a stillborn held Calvin for a little while when he was asleep. Earlier she had started crying when we were talking about what we liked about babies. Her mom and other sisters where there. It's amazing to me that they were there. They think their baby died on the same day Calvin was born. It's got to be so painful for them. I am so glad they trust in God.