Have you thought of your children as much as I have mine when we've heard the news reports about teens killing students and teachers in the past few years? Who of us parents doesn't wonder whether their upbringing is sufficient for these days when we've heard the statistics on drugs? As we hear about teen suicides? While we think of the gangs and the runaways? When we hear of all the illegitimate births, the abortions to prevent birth, and the throwing away of new babies by teen mothers? When we grieve over the babies born addicted to crack cocaine who have to fight for their lives right from the start because of this inheritance from their mothers? As we consider the young, often militant gay and lesbian youth, some of whom have formed "families" of their own and are now beginning to pass their confusion and sin down to another generation?
Why all this violence in young people, both to themselves and others? I am sure there are as many reasons for the violence as there are youth who do it. In some cases, parental abuse could have played a part. Even when that's not the case, parental neglect is often a contributor.
Parents, neglect can happen in many ways, even in Christian homes. Hopefully we no longer live in sin. However, that doesn't mean we understand how to apply what we know the Bible says. I can be a full-time mother and still neglect to teach my children some vital living skills, quite possibly because I never learned them myself. We adults are often still coping with life, when we need to learn how to come into the abundant life of emotional and spiritual health the Lord wants for us. Unless we do, all we know is to teach what the Bible says, hoping our kids will know how to apply it better than we do. (Been there, done that... - it doesn't work.)
Even though my teens have almost left the nest, I am checking out their upbringing prayerfully and carefully to see what they lack that will enable them to stand solidly in this violent world. I want them to be contributors to this world, not destroyers of it, nor bystanders watching the destruction happen. So I'm asking some really deep questions to see if I've covered all the bases in my parenting to hopefully innoculate my children against this self-and-other-destruction.
I've asked myself (and God) what the difference is between happy, well-adjusted teens and these angry, sullen, often lonely teens who seem to so easily take or destroy the lives of others and/or their own as the way to settle a grudge or solve a problem. What promotes this willingness to throw everything away? What do these children lack?
I believe these teens lack three interlocking "ingredients" for success. They lack identity, character, and purpose. These things are fundamental building blocks, and they have a profound effect on our lives. Here we will discuss the missing ingredient of identity.
The lack of identity causes an aimless void in many teens' lives. It promotes a disrespect and devaluing of human life. I believe this results in part from growing up in a world with an evolutionary mindset where survival of the fittest seems to be the name of the game. What does this mindset do to our children? How does this mindset affect their sense of identity and their ability to value others?
Concerning non-Christian children, if they see people value animals more than children in the womb, if they see the "right to die" (the ultimate "right") being promoted in society, if they constantly hear pleasure tauted as the highest good, why would they grow up to value people - especially people who thwart their desires in any way? Why wouldn't "me, myself and I" be the most important thing to them? Why wouldn't "Look out for number one" be the logical watchword of the day? After all, if children aren't valued, if they think they have to make their own identity, and once they get one think that they have to fight to keep it, then they'd better get started. - One of the best ways I know of promoting yourself is by demoting, devaluing others. Apparently they think so too.
Concerning Christian children, living in a society with an evolutionary worldview tries to rob them of the authority of the Bible. As they repeatedly hear these evolutionary views, questions can be expected: How do I know God created the world and wrote the Bible? If God didn't mean what He said when He said He created the earth in six days, how many of the other stories are just, well, "stories?" Such questions are normal and healthy as teens try to discover their identity. I expect them, along with, "Is there really a God? Sometimes I don't know."
I looked for those questions when our kids hit their teens. I smoked them out. If they are thinking them, I might as well have a chance to respond from my heart about what I know of God and His ways in my life. It caused me to dig deeper in my relationship with Him to answer. I can't count the times I've said, "That's an interesting point. I don't agree with it, but I'm not sure I can tell you why. Can you give me a couple days to think and pray? I'll get back to you soon, because I feel this is a great discussion, and I'd like to keep it going."
Teens need to hear from us a lot during these identity-discovering years, because it's very possible they are not going to talk to us, at least not about what's important. (What teen wants to tell his Christian parents he is wondering about God's existence, I ask you??!) The answers they discover during this time will help set the course of much of their life.
Does God have a role in mind for us parents as our teens are discovering their identity? Most definitely! If our children aren't getting guidance from us on what to expect during these teen years, plus prayer and much conversation, those views "out there" are always ready to suggest another take on life that can seem logical to a searching teen. (Proverbs says there is a way that seems right to a man, but that it's end is death.)
Teens need to hear some facts over and over again. Facts like : "Being a teenager is not easy even if you're a Christian and know the Lord. Things are happening hormone-wise in your body, and will affect your emotions. You will feel uncertain, because you don't yet know how God views and would respond to the new things you encounter, and you haven't yet discovered His plan for your life."
They also need to hear that: "Eph 2:10 says God has created works for you to do from before the foundation of the world, and He is getting ready to show you what preparation you need to do them. Satan is ready to distract you from your mission of discovery if you will let him. He wants you to create your own identity rather than discover God's identity for you. The questions you ask and the answers you accept over the next few years are all-important to your future and will decide whether you go on with God or get side-tracked."
We need to emphasize how exciting and challenging it is to be in this place of discovery, and that we stand right there by their sides, praying as they look to the future! During this time we need to remind our teens that it is their job to identify their feelings, confess and give them to God and listen for His reassurance and direction. In addition, they need to be reminded that it is also important from time to time to share with an adult who can pray for and with them.
If our teens know God well enough, know how to hear His voice, learn what He thinks not only in general about (for example) suicide, but also what He thinks about their friend who deliberately overdosed, then they can live through hard times with a right view of God, themselves and the world. (Knowing what God thinks about specific situations is found through knowing God's Word and knowing His character by being in relationship with Him. Knowing His character, the balance of all His attributes, helps us know how He applies what He says to our life situations.)
As we parents are at their sides modeling responsibility, compassion, humor, love for life, people, and God with practical godly wisdom, our teens will usually experience a peace and an assurance from God that will take them through this turbulent time and bring them into a mature relationship with their God, as well as an understanding of His specific purpose for their lives. (If they don't walk in that peace, God still has His hand on them, and good seed has been sown that in time can bring about repentance and restoration to Himself.)
Parents, we have a job to do. God has given us our children on loan. He has entrusted us with His precious people. We cannot make them into anything. We also cannot let them grow like weeds. We must constantly be planting godly seed into them in all life situations. When we fail, we can stop, repent, and ask God to teach and help us. Now is not the time to throw up our hands concerning our youth. Now is the time to press in to be godly parents, and to pray, pray, pray for our kids as never before. God loves us and will honor us as we seek Him. I pray with all my heart that God bless your home!!
Please feel free to write me a note concerning questions, comments and/or prayer requests for your children. Anything I don't know I'll try to find some help on, and I'll do my best to keep confidences. I also will pray much before I make any comments. We need the wisdom of God, not the counsel of men to see our children mature, no matter what stage they're at in life. Remember, it is never too late with God. No case is ever too tough for Him. God bless you as you seek His wisdom!
Latest Revision 09-15-98
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