How do we as Christians combat the hardness we see creeping into our children as they begin to interact with the world? Some of this is the result of ingesting the values of the world through TV, music, books, play with others steeped in these things... . We can control it to some extent by monitoring their input, at least at home, and praying protection for our children while they are away.
However, hardness also manifests in the area of correction. It is not natural to submit to correction. To truly submit to correction takes God's grace. It is very possible to submit to the action of correction, while refusing to submit one's heart to God.
One of God's principles that will address this hardness is repentance. When we discipline our children, we know it is for their correction, not our revenge, the satisfying of our frustration, the anger we can feel at having our authority challenged or any of the other motives we've all been tempted with. However, I'm not sure we understand that besides raising up God's standard of right behavior in the situation, we are to discipline with the aim of seeing repentance and restoration, first to God, then to the offended party.
In our discipline, we as parents must not settle for just an apology. That would encourage sorrow for being caught in the act, not sorrow for the act itself, and the thinking and motives that prompted the act. Even settling for changed behavior is not enough; this kind of thinking could help my child become a hypocrite, acting one way while thinking another. We are to discipline with the intent of seeing God work into our children a new heart attitude. This is not easy, because we cannot make anyone think differently or repent. Also, though we can make our children feel guilty (not a good thing because then we are trying to do the Lord's work), we cannot make anyone truly sorry for what he/she did. So what can we do?
The first thing we can do to encourage our children to learn to repent is to be a good example. When God shows us we are wrong, how do we respond? Do we tune it out? Justify ourselves? Make a quick apology and forget it? Or do we go before our Father and ask Him to give us the gift of repentance and change us? - I have discovered in my own walk with my Lord that it is often tempting to say "I'm sorry" as a defense mechanism. That can insulate me (or so I think) from those pricks of conscience. Actually, it is quite deceptive. I think I've dealt with a problem when I've only dealt with the superficial, external act.
Saying "I'm sorry" too quickly can actually block the Holy Spirit's transforming power. It reminds me of an incident when our children were small. One son (who shall remain nameless because I want him to be on speaking terms with me after he reads this!) had just barely been introduced to the message of repentance. When he was very little, I tried to explain that when you've done something wrong you must say "I'm sorry." Then God will forgive you. Well, this creative child hit his brother, said "I'm sorry," hit him again, said "I'm sorry" again, and then did it a third time! He thought he'd found the key to doing what he wanted! This is a cute illustration, but how many times are we like that? If we settle for anything less than inner transformation for ourselves, why should we expect it will be any different for our children? This is Deut.6:4. Before we can teach living principles to our children, we must be living them ourselves.
The second thing we can do to encourage our kids to resist hardening their hearts during discipline is to take false responsibility off ourselves by realizing that making our children repent is not our job. It is the work of the Holy Spirit within our children's hearts that will change them, just as only He can change us. This realization frees us to focus on what we can and must learn to do: create a climate that will give the Holy Spirit the best opportunity to speak to our children about their attitudes. How can we do this?
We create a climate that is favorable for the Holy Spirit's work within our families by removing blame and the guilt we can so easily heap upon our errant child. We must realize that when we place guilt and blame on him, it makes it hard for him to let the Holy Spirit work. He's afraid he's going to feel the same condemnation and rejection from God that he does when we try to change him.
Removing our judgment from our child is easier said than done. It involves respecting him while we discipline him. We don't attack his person; we let him know by our attitude and actions that we believe he really wants to please God deep down. We stand against his rebellion and resentment by praying for him, letting him know when we see those attitudes, and encouraging him to realize that these thoughts and feelings are the enemy's, not his own. We tell him he does not have to receive them; he can resist them and ask the Holy Spirit to remove them from him so he can be what the Lord intends him to be - humble, tender-hearted and free to obey God with joy.
We also create a godly climate by teaching our children how to listen for and hear the Lord's voice. That is another godly principle, which I'll leave for another day.
Please feel free to write me a note concerning questions, comments and/or prayer requests for your children. Anything I don't know I'll try to find some help on, and I'll do my best to keep confidences. I also will pray much before I make any comments. We need the wisdom of God, not the counsel of men to see our children mature, no matter what stage they're at in life. Remember, it is never too late with God. No case is ever too tough for Him. God bless you as you seek His wisdom!
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