Finding no support, people not wanting to acknowledge that this does happen, I found myself blaming God. I served Him, yet He has allowed this to happen. BUT, I blamed my self most of all. After months of hate and trying to function as a normal human being, carrying thoughts of murder towards Tony, I turned to the scriptures of the very God I was blaming for all this. I went to the bed room, opened the Bible and said," God I can't deal with this anymore. I have tried escaping by booze, suicide, and hate... I need your help!" That night, I turned to the scripture that said, "YOU can not be a friend of the world and a friend of God." I had chosen to trust the one I was blaming. In order to do this, to return my trust to God, I knew I had to be honest with myself. I would have to trust God in a way I had never done before. The laws of probability don't matter much, until they hit home. I started talking to my sons, confronting the pain they were carrying. I had "heard the words" before, but this time, I listen "deep within" to what they were not saying. They wanted nothing to do with God, not so much as even grace at mealtime. Instead of blaming God, they were running from Him. They felt that there was no way God could love them after what they had done. What they had done?? They had experienced the bad side of people who claim to be Gods representatives. As I was learning, it is a relationship with Jesus that counts, not people in religion. We were now drawing on Him to walk us through the bitterness of upcoming court trials, hate, anger and guilt. Note: Brother Tony was arrested and admitted - on the stand - to raping over 100 young boys. The simplest yet hardest thing to do ~ FORGIVE! To even begin our healing, we had to forgive Tony for what he had done to all us. Was this possible? Were we capable of doing this? Alone, no ~ but with Jesus in our hearts and by our side, we knew we could do anything. This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Forgive! Yet in this forgiveness, we found out that Jesus died not so much for the criminal but, "for the victim to be able to forgive the criminal," and thereby allow the healing to begin within themselves. Praying and listening to God became crucial for us, one step at a time ~ one day at a time. You also have to forgive yourself. My sons had to accept that this was NOT THEIR FAULT, for they blamed themselves. I had to accept that I did not let this happen, for I blamed myself for not protecting my children. In forgiveness, we started being able to deal with each memory, each court trial, each pain and nightmare. Not talking allows the pain to stay hidden. This hidden pain can and will damage you and your children even more. We also found that God could and would handle our anger. Slowly and I do say slowly, the guilt left, and small amounts of laughter started coming back into our lives. I did not push my sons back into church. Instead, I turned them over to God. I knew that part of my recovery was giving my sons back to God. Eventually, with God's help, we were able to talk freely. Each time an issue came up, we would talk about it. It was never easy, there were times when events came up that took days to deal with. Someone called Jay a queer at work, he came over the counter and proceeded to beat the pulp out of the man. All of his hostiltiies and fears came out. Another time for about a week, Jay wouldn't talk. After hearing him crying, I forced him to talk to me. Someone in school, through ignorance, said one of the signs of aids was skinny legs. The Aids testing and waiting had us walking on egg shells, but God favored us and the lady called at home to give us the wonderful news that he was negative. We were learning to cast our burdens upon the Lord. To concentrate upon good, holy and pure thoughts, while casting down imaginations. None of this was easy, but you have to do it. We never casted down the facts, just the fears. You have to be able to encourage your children to talk about it. Though they, as yourself with find it uncomfortable at times, you must let them know that you are willing to share their pain, inspite of your own pain. Don't push them for the gory details, nor the facts of the actual act. Encourage them to share their fears, pain and thoughts. Stress the fact that this was not there fault nor could they have stopped it. Let them understand that even though they did not tell you you understand the fear they had. You love them and do not think down on them for their particpation. This is crucial! They did not let you down, nor did you let them down. You can not stop unseen happenings. Remember, you have to forgive yourselves and a part of this is accepting and knowing it was not your fault! Please remember .... You don't have to suffer alone! If you are suffering, please email me, I would love to help. Click on my to email me. Home        Links & Credits        Awards        Webrings Background designed exclusively for: "There is a Path ...." Not for Public Domain, nor to be included in any Graphics Collections. "There is a Path ... " Site designed by: Cheralyn Maturi aka Rosebud This page hosted by   Get your own Free Home Page