NOSE PICKING GLOSSARY
THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTO PICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.
PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
PAY DIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

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Inca Gold A member of the Inca tribe was captured by the Spanish. The captain told his interpreter to say to the Inca India, "Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all of their gold, that we will burn both his feet in the fire." Through the interpreter the Inca Indian responded, "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they burnt his feet. The Captain then told the interpreter to say, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is hidden, we will hang him from that noose on the tree over there." Again the Inca responded: "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they took him over to the tree and hung him until he could hardly breathe. The Spanish captain then ordered the Indian to be brought to him again. This time he said to the interpreter "Tellhim that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is, we will skin him alive." The Inca could stand it no longer and said "The gold is hidden in a little cave behind the large waterfall. It is one mile over the hill to the right." The interpreter told the captain, "He said he would rather die than tell you where the gold is."

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Actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Station #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Station #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Station #2. This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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Religious Inspiration A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

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The Retired Pirate
After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied: "WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG." "Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate replied: "WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND." "Well that is certainly work related. How did you loose your eye." In a booming voice the pirate replied: "WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!" "Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" "IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!"

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First Class Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice president and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company. One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday." He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do." Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills. "Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo."

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The Unhappy Astronaut
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve. The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?"

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Headlines.....
A fellow from Boston was in Atlanta, GA, visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable Southern way of life - something he was not accustomed to, being from Boston. While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for the Atlanta newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "ATLANTA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim. The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Boston - not Atlanta. The next day the headlines of the Atlanta paper read: "YANKEE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET."

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The Car
This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams. *click* "Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show"

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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear over the Intercom on a Plane.....
1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."
2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."
3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."
4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"
5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."
6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."
7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"
8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"
9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"
10. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"

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Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green. Moses tees up and smacks one right into the middle of the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green. Jesus tees off next and hits his drive right into the lake also. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake and he hits it onto the green. Next up is the old geezer. He smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as it is going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and grabs the fish. As the pelican is flying over the green it is struck by a bolt of lightning, which causes it to drop the fish on the green where the ball rolls out of it's mouth and into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Bloody heck, Dad, can't you play golf like everybody else?!"

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Two good old boys from the south were driving a truck through the backroads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck. The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance", he said.

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A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of life savers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored life savers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

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Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over
10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I had to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Wussy!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

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Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

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An old lady goes to the doctor and say's, "I fart all day, every day, but they don't stink and don't make a sound." The doctor says "O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back." A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, "Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!" The doctor then said, "Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let's work on you hearing!"

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Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."