LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - All the other times.
MARRIAGE - What's intercourse?
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - When you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - When all you're interested in is your golf score.
A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table. The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, "Do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient." Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't nneed to wash my hands." The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A man named Fred was well into middle age, and had never had a "relationship" with a woman. He was unattractive, poor, and had little you could call personality. His strong moral upbringing prevented him from paying for sex. He had all but resolved to spend the rest of his life a frustrated virgin, when he read an article in a travel magazine about the wild women of the French Riviera.
A plan formed in Fred's mind; for three years he saved every spare penny until he could afford a short, one-week vacation on the Riviera. He arrived at his hotel and nervously changed into his beachwear: baggy bermuda shorts, a white sleeveless T-shirt, brown shoes, brown socks. He walked on the beach, his head swiveling from one eye-popping, bikini-clad beauty to another. But none gave him the slightest glance.
After patrolling the beach until dusk, he noticed a Frenchman, also middle-aged, surrounded by adoring young women. Cornering the Frenchman, Fred blurted out his sad tale. "I came here hoping to meet women," Fred explained to the sympathetic Frenchman, "And I only have 5 days to go. What can I do to be more like you?" The Frenchman looked him up and down, and said, "Monsieur, it eez your costume. You must buy the tiny men's bikini like mine, some sandals, some chic sunglasses, and voila! you will soon meet many women."
"I came here hoping to meet women," Fred explained to the sympathetic Frenchman, "And I only have 5 days to go. What can I do to be more like you?" The Frenchman looked him up and down, and said, "Monsieur, it eez your costume. You must buy the tiny men's bikini like mine, some sandals, some chic sunglasses, and voila! you will soon meet many women." "Well Monsieur," responded the Frenchman, "It eez a delicate subject. You seem to be somewhat lacking in a certain department valued highly by our young ladies. What I suggest you do is to go to the supermarket, buy a potato, and stick it in your bathing suit."
Although Fred thought this was an odd suggestion, he was getting desperate, and decided he would try anything, given his short time remaining.
The next morning, he put on his new costume, then shoved a long, curved, uncooked potato into his trunks. He went out on the beach, this time getting a strong reaction. Women everywhere on the beach were elbowing each other, pointing at Fred, and whispering together. Frantic, Fred ran up to the Frenchman. "NOW what am I doing wrong!?" he screamed. The Frenchman glanced at him and replied in a frosty voice, "Monsieur, zee potato goes in zee front."
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