Compassionate Friends
I am a member of the Compassionate Friends. From 1996 through 1999 I served as a "telephone friend" in the Montgomery, Alabama area, and also helped with the Montgomery area newsletter. I was a guest speaker at the April, 1998 meeting. The following is the text from my talk. At the end of the text is a link to an article that was published prior about coping with the holidays.
It is Spring again, but for many of you going through a first Spring without your child it might as well be the cold of Winter.
I have been through 4 Springs without my son, Kevin. Every Spring brings up the same joys and sorrows. The reminder of new growth -- of new birth -- the laughter of children released into the warmth of a Spring afternoon -- the beauty around me of flowers -- all of these things that used to inspire me, that used to fill me with unspeakable joy, will often leave me feeling depressed and angry.
Anger and depression are feelings that I have difficulty to understand or deal with. The anger can stem from a specific event. Depression can occur during the days leading up to that event. These are easier to understand. Yet sometimes these feelings seem to come out of the blue.
At times it is hard to deal with the newness all around. These are painful reminders of your loss. You may ask:
How can there be new things in the world that my child will never see? Why do those children, those people get to enjoy the Spring weather when MY child no longer can?
The anger and sadness often hit at unexpected times. I have another son Jeffrey who was born 2 years after Kevin. Jeffrey started playing mini-soccer this Spring. While watching Jeffrey play I became aware suddenly of the fact that if Kevin were alive I would have two boys playing soccer -- probably on the same team. Suddenly the joy and excitement was drained from me, and I found myself longing for the son that I would never get to see grow up.
Then the guilt hits. The guilt that I was being unfair to Jeffrey, that I could not enjoy fully *his* childhood, because of the ghost of a brother that *should* be there.
Yet, Spring is a reminder that life goes on. It is hard to have that reminder when you are wishing that life would just stop. But life can't stop whether we like it or not. Springtime may be a time to remember that life goes on for you as well.
You may decide that with the new birth around you that this is the time to start to let go. Letting go does not mean forgetting. Letting go means adjusting to the new reality in which your loved one is no longer present. Letting go occurs when we are able to accept our feelings of anger, guilt, fear, and sadness -- and move on to trust and hope again.
Spring can be a time of healing. With the growth of the plants, you may decide to plant something living, something special, in memory of your child -- a living symbol of the love that will never die.
Spring can be a time to share with others, your pain and sadness -- but also share your memories that bring a smile.
I remember my son Kevin's first Easter. He was 10 months old and still crawling. He woke up Easter morning like a ray of sunshine, as if he knew it were a special day. I had hidden empty, plastic eggs around the living room at crawling level. It took him only a second to see them -- then he squealed with joy and collected all but one of the eggs in just a few minutes, and my parents, and my husband and I cheered him on. Since then all Easter egg hunts remind me of Kevin's first -- my first time as a parent hiding the eggs.
These times, these special events, that are repeated year after year always will hold memories that can cause pain as well as joy. Going through this process isn't easy. Sometimes the pain is more than the joy, yet I've found that the pain has eased but the joy has remained.
Spring is a time of rebirth, of renewal. Perhaps it can be this for you as well -- and if not this Spring, perhaps in a Spring to come.