Somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that if you were a Christian you wouldn't have any problems in your life. Every time trouble hit, I was quick to blame God and turn away from him. I felt that I had been the model Christian and had done everything by the book. How could He let these things happen to me? That wasn't altogether true of course. I had followed the rules of conduct, but I had made all the big decisions on my own without His advice and I had made them through a distorted view of myself, of others, of what my priorities should be, and of what would really make me happy. I had tried to survive on my own strength . I think that because of my feelings of inadequacy, I was willing to settle for much less that what God had planned for me.

A few years ago, mid-life crisis hit like a ton of bricks. After years of having my worth and my life defined in what other people wanted from me, I was alone for the first time. I had no purpose or direction. No one needed me for anything. Just when I had figured out what life was all about, all the rules seemed to change.

When I first walked into a church singles group, I was a real basket case. I walked up to one of the leaders that first night and asked, "where is that abundant life that Jesus promised us?" He prayed with me and invited me to care group. I went to care group that week and spilled out my whole life to them. They took me under their wings and prayed for me. I did start feeling better.

Then a couple of nights later, God woke me up in the middle of the night. I was in kind of a semi-dream state when I suddenly realized that this wasn't just a dream. God was telling me to write down what I was seeing and what it meant. This image that He gave to me spoke to me in a way that words alone couldn't. The fact God was talking directly to this insignificant, nobody, had an impact on me that nothing else could have. He showed me that we go through different stages in our lives but that different doesn't mean that it has less worth. He also showed me that even though my children didn't think they needed me anymore (or at least I thought they thought that they didn't need me anymore), they still did. I can still help guide them as they go through life, maybe not in exactly the same way as when they were small, but still in a way that no one else can. I am as much a part of them now as I was before.

God has taught me that you don't have to be married to be happy. He has shown me what a faithful, loving father He is. He has allowed me to make my own mistakes and fall flat on my face, but He has been there to pick me up. He never once said, "I told you so," or "Why didn't you listen?" or "You really botched it this time!" He has just said, "Here, let me help you" and "I love you."

In the past few years, I have come to know the Lord in a new and more personal way. I have found a joy and happiness that I have never known. I found the abundant life I was looking for. I've also found a real freedom in knowing that He just wants me to be the "real me," the way He uniquely and wonderfully made me before I became encumbered with everyone else's and my own expectations of who I should be.

I have found that there is a major difference between being a Christian and having a Christian walk. The real joy comes from knowing Him more intimately. Why would anyone settle for scraps when He wants to give us our rightful inheritance?

I'm not saying that I have reached my goal or have overcome all my problems. I am still continuing on the journey. This is a declaration of God's love, patience, and grace. Even after all these years and after all the times I've blown it, He was patiently waiting here to ask me, "Are you ready to walk with me now?" God is still working a lot of junk out of me, so please be patient. He's not through with me yet.