Vie, C'est une Memoir Noir

copyright Sheppy '97

I used to think "If I had known what was going to happen, I would never have come here in the first place". I had gone there, and there was no turning back.

It was a while ago now. I was bored and lonely and so decided to do some exploring. As I ventured further it became increasingly dark. Then I came across a place which I have been held captive ever since. It had a sense of isolation, loneliness, and I had immense fear yet felt compelled to stay. I had left my courage behind and stumbled blindly into the dark recesses of my mind, the black hole of past experiences and emotions. I was trapped.

Exhausted already I collapsed on the ground and shut my eyes. "Lord, please lead me through this desolate place". I raised my head and opened my eyes, only to see all I had left behind, all that was thrown away to avoid the pain. Now it was all there flashing in my face. A bullet tore through my chest and my heart. Yet I had heard no sound, and there was no blood. As the pain spread through my chest and into my stomach i realised that the bullet was one of emotion. I was terrified. The pain overwhelmed me as past experiences seeped through my skin and into my veins. I could see no way out, and tormented i questioned the Lord "How could you forsake me so?". As more and more experiences penetrated my heart I screamed in desperation "Why must you force this pain upon me?". The words the echoed endlessly in my mind and the visions stopped flashing. "it’s over" I thought, but it had only just begun.

There in front of me was a vision of my childhood, one that I had hoped to forget. I turned around but everywhere I looked the image was still there haunting me. "You're not part of the family" my grandmother was saying harshly.. Memories returned and the pain I had never allowed myself to feel began to manifest its self. I could no longer distance myself, and with anger and despondency I appealed for a rational answer when I knew i would not fin one. "How could you do it? I was just an innocent child! My only crime being female and so more like my mother than your son. How could you be so merciless as to try to tear my family apart, to tear me apart?"

I stayed that moment of my childhood, remembering all the things my grandparents had done. This time experiencing the pain. I had never cried but now I thought I would never stop. "Lord if you are with me then why do I suffer?" But the only response was the sound of a tear dropping into a puddle on the ground.

I lay down and cried myself to sleep, a place where I thought I would be safe. I soon began dreaming. The dream eventuated into a nightmare and I awoke in fear. However my nightmare had not left me, it was now standing infront of me. There stood the devil. My memories grew stronger and more and more returned to me. The devil was now in two and before me were the two men who tried to destroy me. I could not move. Their oppressive presence paralysed me, their eyes in contact with mine. The only thing I could do was die. Give in and die. I could not give them that satisfaction. The memories infiltrated my entire body: the cruelty, the inhumanity, the complete and utter injustice, the helplessness of mankind, the no win situation, the fear, and revolt. How could I survive what they had done? I could not live yet I could not die. I would never let them win, they would never kill me.

I looked for God but saw the devil. I could not see God, for he was the courage inside me. I walked with trepidation towards the men. The eyes ready to kill, my mouth ready to speak. Firmly I spoke "God bless you". Their power disappeared, I was no longer their to torment. They shrivelled like dying embers as their power drained away. I had one. With God I had won. I had the power to fight anything.

Realising I was still exploring my mind I remembered what I had just thought "I had the power to fight anything". The images faded and became smaller, but did not fade completely. The pain subsided as I realised I had been brought to this place to face my problems and fight the pain instead of burying it. Now, ever so much stronger, I return to my past. This place is home for me now and it lightens as I deal with the bleak moments in life. God had not forsaken me, he had shown me the light: trials bring triumph.

"Trials are not enemies of faith, but are opportunities to prove God’s faithfulness". Anonymous

By Sheppy

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