FEBRUARY 1998-99 COLUMN FROM THE WORLD OF SOOSE--A "SITE" FOR SORE EYES

Yoooo-hoooo! Brian....wake up, Brian... (SLAP!)
I wish I could just stuff and mount him on the wall....
OH! Hi, everybody! I swear, this guy is REALLY out of it.... The next time he wakes up, I'm gonna get him OUT of here BEFORE he decides to pass out again. Physically, he's been here since December. Mentally, who knows?

Everyone that sees him, thinks he's DEAD! And he's NOT...I don't think... Yep, he's still breathing....

And thanks to Outrage, I lost my special anniversary background that I made for last month AND the balloons that Linda made for me. I STILL haven't found the background that I originally had....(sigh!)

In HERE, Officer. There is
DEFINITELY a body in here! The bimbo did it!

But, I keep TELLING you...
I am NOT the police! I just maintain that site!

What's going on here? What are YOU doing back here, Mrs. Merriweather? Shouldn't you be off somewhere redecorating or terrorizing something?

There she is! ARREST her!

WHAT???!!
What ARE you talking about and who is THIS?

I am....

...the POLICE, Bimbo!

I am NOT! My name is Shan,
and I developed and maintain the Buddy the Bearsite
for the Sheriff's Department in Shelby County, TN.

Oh, better yet! A SHERIFF!
Oooooh, you're in for it NOW, Bimbo!

I STILL don't know WHAT you're talking about!

MURDER!

MURDER???? WHO was murdered?

HIM! ARREST her!

HIM? OH! You mean Brian! He's not dead.....

He looks dead to ME!
Grill her, Officer! Get the hot, bright lights!
Make her sweat!

Look, I TOLD you that I am NOT
in law enforcement!

I don't believe you!
You look TOO "official"! Of course,
I have never seen a policeman with a stuffed toy bear before....

A stuffed toy BEAR??? Okay....

That's BUDDY! HE'S the bear..

Quit fooling around!
Drag out the rubber hose and beat
it out of her! SHE killed him,
but the rap won't stick unless we get
a confession out of her!

HUH??? Rubber hose??? Rap??? CONFESSION??? Mrs. Merriweather, you've been watching too many gangster movies....

Besides, beating a confession out of a
person is against the law.

(sigh!) Where is Humphrey Bogart
when you need him? I WANT ACTION!

I'm sorry, but who IS this
old bag, anyway? Doesn't she have a home, or something?

(ahem!) Well, she "belongs" to one of the GeoCities "officials"--he is with Security, I think. She's his mother. She has this thing for redecorating sites. She tried to redecorate Sooseland back in October, but I managed to get rid of her. Last month, she came in and found Brian there passed out on the floor....THAT'S another story.... Anyway, she will NOT believe that he is NOT dead. That's when she found YOU.....

Yup. (sigh!) She found me....

I'VE HAD IT! You aren't going to
do ANYTHING, are you? I'm gonna find Sonny!

SONNY????

THAT'S her son, the GeoCities guy....

SLAM!!!

Is she ALWAYS like that?

(sigh!) Yes, unfortunately......
Uh, how did she happen to find YOU?

I was working on this website that I
created for the Sheriff's Department in my area.
They have hired me to maintain it also.
That's where I was when SHE found me....

I see....

And I'm not even in law enforcement!
That batty woman wouldn't BELIEVE me!

(sigh!) I know....

FREEZE, IN THE
NAME OF THE LAW!

You're in for it NOW, Bimbo...
I found some REAL cops, and they'll
take care of YOU! MURDERER!

What the....? Look, Mrs. Merriweather, I am NOT a murderer! He is NOT dead. He FAINTED! Got that? FAINTED! Brian is ALIVE. Now, go find Sonny, or redecorate a site or something, and LEAVE ME ALONE! And take the Police with you, too!

Okay, Girlie. Shut-up and stand over there...

HUH???? GIRLIE????

You too, Sister....

WHAT??? HEY! I was BROUGHT here by
that ol' battle-ax!
She thought I was YOU....

Cool it, Sister, and get over there.
We are going to search this site....

She LED me to believe that she was
a police officer! Arrest her for impersonating a
policeman!

Oh brother...

Now wait a minute! I told YOU
that I was NOT in law enforcement....

Uuuuuuuuuhhhh.....

AAAAAHHHH!
LOOK! Its MOVING!

HUH??? WHAT'S moving?

HIM!!!!

HIM? OH! You mean Brian?

Cool it, Girlie. Nobody moved.
And quit making those noises....

I didn't make any noises....

Neither did I....

Look, we're checkin' out
this other room. Don't either
of you MOVE!

Oooooohhh....
WHAT happened....

AAAAAAAHH!!!!
He's ALIVE! Back from the grave....
Oooooohh.....

THUD!!!

Oh, FINE! Now SHE'S fainted!

WHERE am I....

Brian? You awake now?

I THINK so. What happened?
How long have I been HERE? What's THAT?

Well, to answer your questions in order, you fainted when you mistook my "soose" image that Dudette gave me for an Insect Spirit of the Dead. You've been here since December--its now February. And that? THAT'S Mrs. Merriweather, who was absolutely positive that you were dead, and that I murdered YOU! She saw you move and heard you groan, and thought that YOU were returning from the dead.

Oh....
And who is THIS? Another "worshipper"?

WORSHIPPER? No, Brian, she's not involved in anything HERE. She's an innocent by-stander that Mrs. Merriweather managed to drag in here. This is.....

MOMMA!!!

I am NOT! My name is Shan
and I have NO idea how I got mixed up in
all this.

But, I'm okay NOW! I think I had better go.
This site is beginning to get on my nerves...

SLAM!!

WAIT! BRIAN! DON'T GO YET! YOU HAFTA HELP ME EXPLAIN WHAT HAS HAPPENED!
The big chicken....

What happened to HER???
And where's the REAL body???

Uuuuuuhhhhhh......
Wellllll.....
Ya see, it was a MIRACLE!
Yeah,....that's it...a miracle. Brian came to life, and Mrs Merriweather dropped dead.

MOMMA!!!!

Very funny, Girlie.
Ok buddy, does THIS woman belong
to you--the old broad?

Hugo, this is the police. Your mother brought them here. (ahem!) Hehehehe.... Then they SHOT her.

WHAT???!!!

Just kidding....(snicker) I couldn't resist. Your mother has been her usual "wonderful" self again. She fainted when she saw Brian waking up. She thought he was dead. You remember Brian, doncha Hugo?

Ya mean the "door stop"?
Yeah...I remember him. He just left here,
probably to go stop someone else's door.

Well, hardly. At least, I hope not.

Well, if the REAL body isn't
really dead, why did you
bump HER off?
Hmmmmmm?

ME?????

I must be going now.....
It was an "interesting" experience
meeting you, Soose--one that I
hope not to re-live anytime soon.

SLAM!!!!

SHAN! COME BACK!
Jeeeeesh! My only witness....

(COUGH!)
Mmmmmm.......
(grumble)
Oooooohh......

Momma! You're alive!

Of course she's ALIVE! I didn't kill her! The police didn't shoot her! There was no "miracle"...per se....

SONNY! I am SO glad to see YOU!
She tried to kill me by scaring
me to death, just like
she killed that poor boy there......
Say, where IS that poor boy? They take him to the
morgue already?

MRS. MERRIWEATHER!!! He was alive, and WALKED out of this room under his own power. I did NOT kill him, and I did NOT try to kill YOU!

Is there a murder here, or ain't there?

There ain't...uh,.....isn't. As you can see, everyone is ALIVE! Unfortunately, some more than others....

Well, Girlie, keep your nose clean,
or we'll be back. Understand?

WAIT A MINUTE!
You're NOT arresting her???
You're letting the "murderess" GO????
SONNY! DO SOMETHING!

If you DO, "Sonny", you're gonna get it.....

Uuuuuhhh, Momma....
I don't think that Soose
murdered ANYBODY.

Look, Buddy, if you can't
keep that ol' broad under control,
maybe we should run YOU in!
She's a trouble maker!

SONNY!

Aw, shaddup Momma and let's
get outta here.
See ya later, Soose.

SLAM!!

We're goin', too Girlie.
Remember what I told ya about
keepin' yer nose clean...

SLAM!!!

My nose isn't dirty....
Well, everyone, things seem to be back to normal....sorta.... I hope to see all of you again next month--and NOT from a jail cell!

Let's see....who is coming next month.....who is BRAVE enough to come next month? Hmmmmm.....

© 1997-2004 soose@thegrid.net

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