Asking Too Much




Lyrics to Ani's Song...


Out Love...

i know it's not supposed to matter. everything, everyone, tells me it's just supposed to be all right. that things will change, that everything gets better. get some sleep. light seems to reflect differently in the morning making everything look well. well, hmm, well... and does well always mean good or is it just the antonym for sick. everything's sick at night. or maybe just sick and tired. god, i'm tired...

and i have this strange need to be loved (everyone does). but it overrides all of my thoughts. love. love. love. hmmm... is it real? and i feel like if someone would just love me that everything would be cool again, that everything would be well... good... nice... well, ok or anyway...

and i don't want that old shoe love, where you just say, "it's got some holes, but it fits alright...and i always have duct tape." i want that white- horse- riding- sunset- gazing- poetry- reading- tortured- soul- can't- breathe- without love. i know it's not real. i know that's the fairy tale infatuation love. why does disney have to have the stranglehold on that kind of love? why does real life have to be so flat? why do i have to be so lonely all the time?

so tell me you found it. tell me you're not comfortable, but reeling with every smile she flashes you, with every nag you want to kiss her eyelids, excited to hear the door open because you know it's her... tell me it's real. tell me not everything has to become habit. tell me something can matter. tell me something can still make you spin....

and i'm thinking, christ how pathetic. i'm thinking, what's wrong with you? i'm thinking, this is not true, but the soap opera fantasy women are taught to believe.

but, you know (i don't care). so i'll live disappointed and alone while the compromising women get closer to the ideal than my lonely little sphere will allow. and i'll watch them fall out more often than in to love...

and would it really make a difference? does anyone who's him or her or anything else enter their plane actually feel better? does it make hopelessness fade? can it really fix all those diseases happilyeverafters appear to solve? (tell me it worked for you.)

and i know i'm too young to care, i know i have years to find someone that will help make me happy (they can do that, can't they?). and maybe it's the prince-needing images little girls are taught to find since they can open their eyes that make feel this way. or maybe it's the hand-holding couples that don't realize i notice. or maybe it's the idea that it's the one thing i can't seem to have that makes it appear so desirable. maybe it's the myth of companionship.

maybe i need to dye my hair and find eye shadow. maybe i need to lose some of that belly i've grown. maybe i need the perky. maybe i need to care about football- baseball- hockey. maybe i need to nod more. maybe i just need to be older, or maybe i'm already at the point that i need to be younger.

i'm so afraid that i'll never find it. and i'm even more scared that my love dellusions will make it evaporate. i even fool myself into thinking it's ok, that i'm happy enough alone. but then that anonymous itch starts up again. love. love. love...

whatever it is, it makes me feel silly. i'm above this, but yet it's always there. and a simple friend saying, "i love you" at midnight just doesn't seem to do it anymore. i can't sleep with a smile on my face knowing that's the only love that can possess me...

so where is that tortured soul? where is that person that's going to say, "well, you know what pirsig wrote..."? where is that person that's going to read nikki giovanni to me at night? where is the one that will stop me in my sweet little tracks and force me to turn and scream, "what did you just say"?



Backwards to Angry Anymore
Forward to Born a Lion


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