Angry Anymore
Lyrics to Ani's Song...
Mom...
"i would have been a good wife" she tells me the woman that gave me birth she tells me that "i would have been a good wife" but now it's probably too late and she'll never know and even if she did maybe she'd be disappointed with the answer not because she'd be a bad wife but because of the wasted years so maybe it's best that she not know but "i would have been a good wife" she still insists to me and tells me now and then and i guess maybe she would have been but what do i know she tells me about christmas eves and that she would have liked someone with her when it was
still and quiet and the girls were in their beds holding stuffed animals and dreaming or waiting or whatever we were doing and she says that she wanted to be with someone then that it was lonely alone and "i would have been a good wife" she says and i don't know if she thinks about the stuff like washing his socks and sharing a car and listening to him snore and smash dreams or if it's just the idea of someone to be there and around and help and smile and love and "i would have been a good wife" but how does she even know that and what difference does it make to be a good wife to make someone else happy that probably never gave a damn about you and "i would have been a good wife" doesn't mean much when you're waiting on fifty and no one notices the way you raised a family alone for twenty years or maybe more or how your collar bone edges out like a model or the time you spent hoarding up love to give but "i would have been a good wife" and what difference does it make now when any him that she loved is
long dead and buried although i guess not forgotten and never quite right and i never met him or was made up of him although i guess my sister is but my father was her husband cept not for long and didn't mean much to her life anyway although i guess it's what left me here but that doesn't count because "i would have been a good wife" except there never was a good man so i guess she decided to settle but unlike the rest of us she settled for herself...
Dad...
"i never wanted children" he told me not realizing that his children only include me "i never wanted children" like it's my fault i exist like it's my fault that i was born and i don't know if he bothered to think about the fact he admits to not loving me and didn't even try to hide it for years with not enough money and not enough time and not enough space in my world to let you invade it but then he met a new woman and although "i never wanted children" he seems eager to hide it and ready to
jump back into my near adult life and try to play daddy but i remember "i never wanted children" and i won't try to pretend that it really pissed me off because it didn't when i never cared about him and his fat belly and ugly moustache it really never made a difference in my life although i'll admit i'm jealous of my sister that doesn't have to claim half of his genes and his "i never wanted children" but he doesn't expect forgiveness and doesn't even want it in fact i would argue that he probably thinks i owe
him the apology but i never asked to be in this world and i never offered to be in his "i never wanted children" but i'm not really a child anymore even if i might act like it sometimes and i still don't know anything about him except "i never wanted children" and a short series of fragmented pictures and cruel words that i still don't really understand and i don't know why mom was around him at all or why i'm around anywhere but now all i can do is pray that i don't turn out like him and that nurture is bigger than nature as some crazy sociologist might say but what good does praying do to some hidden god that maybe says "i never wanted children" too and at that point i'll never know what it's like to be unconditionally loved by a man because even god probably didn't want me and i'm not angry about any of this even though you might think i am but i don't think i was ever angry just a little resentful and a little sad because "i never wanted children" can be hard to hear when you're really all alone...
Backwards to Not So Soft
Forward to Asking Too Much
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