I Loved You, So What?




Lyrics to Ani's Song...



And Some Other Things...

i think that i loved you once
i'm not really sure anymore
but for a few weeks it felt real
so i pretended for months but that
was before you left me in filth
and gave me powers my fists didn't know

it was before i knew who you were
and before i knew you were so weak
long before i knew how you would hide
behind lies behind jokes behind hurt
behind sexuality yours or otherwise

you'd tell me that you loved me like
it could solve anything and you knew better
but then again so did i
i always knew you could not heal my wounds
you couldn't fill my cracks with naked words
and now you can't scotch tape me back together
and your staples have always stung

you were more scared than me but we'd pretend
like you had some sort of strength
when we both smelled the fear melted over you
while it multiplied on my body
and you'd look up when i was crouched
under the table waiting for the bombs to fall

always hiding behind me or other things
you'd believe anything i ever told you
just because you could
and nothing would ever be your fault

but you never noticed not just admit
and you wanted me to define you but
when i told you to go and find what you're about
what you stand for or stand up
when i said get your own dictionary
you complained and then you left

you were so eager to let me be right
you'd let my moods spread out over you but
something must have been killed
with an oil spill like that
and i'm sorry i'm sorry i wasn't
a safer roadblock but i did not know then
these things which i don't really know now

i'd tell you stories and you'd listen
but so blank there was never reverberation
and they sank fast like you

or me...

and i can twist words like you might remember
but i was wrapping them around another
when i remembered how much i like driving with a man
how he'll take the keys when i'm tired
and steer when my eyes just aren't clear
i was reminded how safe they can feel breathing

but i was always waiting for you to choke
and i never offered you my keys and wouldn't
have given them to you if you asked and
we know you would have refused if i forced them
because it's hard to hide behind a windshield

and maybe now i want someone with their own car
not a cat sleeping underneath the belly, hiding
but i don't remember these things anymore

i'll never forget how i hated you
that january that february that march
april may and june july august but december
it was good wasn't it, wasn't it good?

and i'll never forget you when you were so spun
into my spiderwebs that you wanted me dead too
you just wanted to believe me so badly
where you didn't need your own conclusions
so blame couldn't frown upon you
like it does me over and over again

but i loved you for awhile maybe before
i knew better when i knew worse
or when i felt something different

now i don't love you, at least not how you imagine
and i'm afraid i never did or maybe will again
and i didn't even consider back in the thick
that anyone could be smaller than me, weak
but i guess maybe you proved me wrong

i promise, though, that i did love you
once i did when these things were still mystery



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Forward to Jukebox



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