A Free Woman

by CathyAnn Barnhill
Friday, January 15, 1999

Boy, what a difference a week can make! Last Friday I wrote about how guilt was tripping me up. This was at the beginning of a very hard, struggling time for me. So much has been revealed.

Tuesday, January 12, 1999, at work, a revelation came to me that has lifted the burden of food from my shoulders. I had been feeling blue for about five to seven days and I felt like this mood would never go away. Bad thoughts were coming to me like I used to have before WD. I suffered with a lot of depression in that time. People talking to me of thoughts of suicide and wishing they were dead do not shock me because I used to have the same thoughts and feelings. When I tell people this, they look at me like they can't believe it. Guess I'm a good actor and outwardly my life does not look like a life that someone would want to give up. Well, anyway, these really terrible thoughts and feelings were coming back to me through all this blue mood that I had been suffering in. I honestly wished I could just go to bed and wake up on the last day of my life and not have to go through any more suffering…it was just more than I could bear. For clarification, my family is wonderful. It's the inner turmoil of my emotions that plagues me. Well, I confessed all of this to God as I was going through it. I told Him how I felt. I told Him how I hated suffering with these feelings. I told Him everything. Needless to say, I was struggling terribly with sticking with the WD program through this. I was trying to do the program but then I was trying to use food to soften the blows and to lift my spirits. It wasn't working…it was only making things worse.

The revelation came shortly after I had stood looking out into the parking lot at Sears. It was overcast, the snow was yucky and dirty and there was some cold drizzle coming down. I told the Lord, "That is exactly how I feel inside." Then, I went on about my work. I started to hear a voice in my head telling me "You can do this" (meaning WD). It said "I know you can do this" over and over to the point where I started to believe it. I started to feel better.

Then at my break, I received a verse "For God did not give you a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." II Timothy 1:7. I bet I have been given this verse 200 times since starting WD. I didn't understand why until this day. It was the Holy Spirit before speaking to me, encouraging me, telling me I could do it. This Holy Spirit that dwells in me is powerful stuff…not some wimpy, will do what He can spirit, but a powerful, strong, can conquer anything spirit…and He dwells in me. Guess what…I CAN DO IT…through the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT that dwells in me. All this time, "I've" been trying to do this program. Sometimes I was successful and sometimes I wasn't. All of a sudden, I realize that "I" don't have to do this program. The Holy Spirit will do it for me and through me. There will be no more falling off the wagon. There will be no more struggling. There will be only victory after victory. He is powerful. He will win. God has been trying to tell me this the whole time...He's been trying to tell me to put the Holy Spirit in charge. That His power would mean my freedom.

I am free. My foot is in the Jordan, the water is parting, and I'm starting across. I will not look back…I will not even "think" about looking back…we know that first thought is the beginning of disaster. This spirit is not timid…He is not afraid. He goes at things with confidence and I am enjoying living in this Spirit. My life is changing by leaps and bounds. In just these past days, I have seen such a change. The struggle with food is over. I refuse to entertain thoughts of "having something" at any times other than hunger times.

I have done four sessions of WD and now am in the middle of my fifth. While I have never reached the "flying above food" place before, I have been shown many truths about food and hunger and fullness and how to eat within those boundaries. Since starting WD on August 15, 1997, I have come to a hunger pattern which frees me from worrying about when hunger will strike. I get hungry between 10 and 12 every morning and then again between 5 and 7 every night. Since giving up Diet Coke, I found it necessary to drink some Cranberry Juice every morning to help keep me regular and to keep me from kidney infections…so I have a ½ cup (approximately) of cranberry juice every morning. Every once in a while, I get hungry before bed; and if so, I have a little something to drink and a snack. It's that simple. Sometimes I leave food on my plate and sometimes I don't. More often than not, I don't because I only take a very small WD amount to begin with. I find my strength is stronger at the beginning of the meal when I am serving myself than at the end…so if I only take a small amount and then vow, not to have more because I can see I'm taking "enough", this helps me to stop when the plate is empty and I am full. When I remember, I take sips between bites and this is very helpful in really enjoying what I am eating and not getting done so quickly that I feel I need more because others are still eating.

I do still have to "half" things when eating out. Sometimes I bring the left-overs home for another meal and sometimes I give the dog a treat with them. Occasionally, I throw them away.

I have three phases to my hunger. The first phase comes a few hours after eating…the empty feeling. I hardly notice this any more. To me, this just means that my stomach has digested the food eaten at the previous meal. Next, comes the burning feeling. To me, this is joy time because my body is now going to my fat stores and taking away fat that has been stored up and I am running on stored fuel…goodbye inches of fat. Last, comes the growling. This is my signal that the body has burned enough stored fuel and is ready for a meal. Send down some good food!

Living in the spirit, means a greater need for feeding this spirit. I am seeking spiritual food to feed me spiritually more and more. At work, I use the little Testamints that have a little mint inside a wrapper that has a Bible verse on it. At my break, I sometimes have a mint and then I put the wrapper on my register under my computer screen so that I can savor that verse throughout the day. Then next time I have a mint, I replace the wrapper with the new one. This is where and how the Lord delivered the II Timothy verse to me on Tuesday. Isn't He a genius!

I keep my little book of God's Promises in my carry-in bag for work and often read a chapter out of it during my break or lunch. It is divided into chapters with specific subjects and then verses that apply to this subject. I have found this comforting, enlightening and regenerating for me during my break times. I try to read the chapter that most pertains to my current feelings and needs.

I usually eat my "lunch" during my first break. It comes during my hunger time and is only 15 minutes long which is plenty of time for me to eat my small meal. However, this leaves me a half-hour lunch time and no need to eat during it. I have been using this time to run errands, window shop, read, or go to the Christian Bookstore and listen (free) to the latest cassettes. They have listening booths set up where you can pop in one of the new releases and listen to it. This is one of my favorite places to go and just recoup myself for the rest of the day ahead. When it gets warmer, I'll probably go out to my car and listen to some music or inspiration there.

As you can see, peace and order are coming into my life…and it is wonderful. God is showing me the way through this guiding Holy Spirit that is ever present. He comforts and cares about me and provides me with good things to eat when I need them. He does not need them, but He cares about me and my physical need for them and I feel grateful and cared for in this. In turn, I seek the spiritual food that He needs to sustain Him in my life. We are developing a wonderful relationship. These days, one of my favorite things to do here at home, is to curl up under a warm blanket and read the Word or my devotional.

If we have accepted Jesus into our lives, we all have this Holy Spirit living within us. However, we may not be living in the spirit and giving our lives over to that spirit. I believe this is what Gwen talks about when she talks about giving up our will to do the will of the Father. That has always been a hard thing for me to do and to understand. But now I understand. And living in the spirit is the way I understand it to be. I can do this and I want to do this. Doing it my way was miserable. The remembrance of the thoughts and feelings that plagued me is all-too-clear. I will endeavor to remember them so that I will never entertain ideas of going back.

I was living my life on the fence, trying to go one direction yet pulling toward the other direction and it was a very uncomfortable, unpleasant place to be. It took a crisis (an emotional crisis) in my life for me to make a decision and get off the fence. The Lord uses the crises in our lives to get us to move. He has certainly moved me. I praise His name that He has moved me in the direction of freedom. My writing this to you all has been long, I know. I've been debating whether to tell you and how to tell you what has happened. I gave it a little time to make sure it "stuck" with me (and that I'm not dreaming). I wanted to share this, but I didn't want to sound like I was "out there" somewhere. I wanted to sound grounded in what I was saying. My friend, Susie, has assured me that I don't sound "out there" and so has given me the confidence to share this testimony with you. She wrote me a lovely letter which included the following verse she had found for me: WE HAVE HEARD THE VOICE OF TREMBLING, OF FEAR, AND NOT OF PEACE. ASK NOW, AND SEE, WHETHER A MAN IS EVER IN LABOR WITH CHILD?(wouldn't that be a hoot)SO WHY DO I SEE EVERY MAN WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS LOINS, LIKE A WOMAN IN LABOR, AND ALL FACES TURNED PALE? ALAS! FOR THAT DAY IS GREAT,SO THAT NONE IS LIKE IT; AND IT IS THE TIME OF JACOB'S TROUBLE, BUT HE SHALL BE SAVED OUT OF IT. FOR IT SHALL COME TO PASS IN THAT DAY, SAYS THE LORD OF HOSTS, THAT I WILL BREAK HIS YOKE FROM YOUR NECK, AND WILL BURST YOUR BONDS; FOREIGNERS SHALL NO MORE ENSLAVE THEM. BUT THEY SHALL SERVE THE LORD THEIR GOD. Jere. 30:5-9...You just went through that labor. The yoke from your neck was broken. Foreigners(food) will no longer enslave you.

She knew of the great emotional struggle that I was going through and how I couldn't understand why this was happening to me and how I longed to get out of it. But, just as that butterfly has to struggle out of it's chrysalis in order force the fluid to its wings, I had to struggle through some emotional turmoil, in order to be able to spread my wings and fly. The above verse describes exactly how I feel. The yoke IS broken. The enemy does not have this stronghold over me any longer. 30 years of slavery is enough! No more! With the Holy Spirit in control, satan cringes even at the thought of trying to mess with me. Praise God! I have no fear of future failure or future struggles. The enemy has been defeated. I know I will lose the weight that was gained over the holidays and even have confidence that possibly more will come off, too. I will end up wherever the spirit takes me and I am excited to see where that might be.

I just want to encourage all of you who are doing this program to open your eyes to what the Lord is revealing to you. He will be your deliverer. He will give you a verse that will open your eyes and change your life…perhaps He already has…think about it. You have a Holy Spirit living inside of you that is ready and willing to take over…just step back and let Him. He is powerful. He is large and in charge! Let Him in and He will win! He'll fight the enemy, and you'll be free!

I have been flying over the pull of food for a while now and it's wonderful. I'm not coming down. Flying with the Holy Spirit does not get tiring. It's addictive! Finally, a good addiction! I'm sticking with this one!

We are all so much more lucky than those poor Israelites who struggled through the desert. For their Savior Jesus Christ had not come and delivered them from all their sins. He had not yet gone to prepare a place for them. And He had not sent the Holy Spirit to dwell with them that they might be guided by Him. We have a desert guide. This Holy Spirit is not only willing to guide the way, but to carry us on His strong shoulders. With that going for you, you can't lose.

You can "do" the program and lose weight and learn about your hunger and fullness cues…when they will come and how to handle them. But if you want to fly, you've got to put the Holy Spirit in charge of your life. Let go! The world is not that great, and you being in charge of it is not so wonderful. But it's a beautiful place when the spirit is in control because He is your constant companion…no more loneliness. He is powerful…no more defeat. He is the victor…no more failures. Come on, ladies! You can do this. Put the Holy Spirit in the driver's seat and enjoy the ride…For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (II Timothy 1:7). This is my testimony and this is my song…Praise the Lord! Blessings to all! Enjoy the journey!

Lots of love,

CathyAnn

barnhill@erinet.com

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