For years I have watched children reach puberty and begin to pull away from their parents. Even when the child-parent relationship seems strong, children can began to develop a sense of otherly-ness when they reach the teen years. Is this a sign of rebellion? Of rejection of parental values?

We have been homeschooling our three sons from the beginning and my two oldest are now in high school (one will graduate next spring). We have had a close family and strong relationships for years and all my sons are walking with the Lord. But, as they entered puberty, they no longer saw themselves as mere extensions of Mom and Dad, but began to develop a personality, character and dominant traits that said, “I am someone different,” (as in, “not just an extension of you”).

The teen years should not be considered a time to simply get through, as in “This, too, shall pass.” Instead, I prefer to say that these are the “Years of Identification.” I use this phraseology because I believe that too many parents dislike, or are afraid of, adolescence. But if parents were to understand the dynamics of the teen years, they would look forward to them with real excitement from the time their children are born.

Here is a little bit of theology which you can take or leave: I believe that when God gives a child to parents that child comes prepackaged with a set of giftings and callings unique in all the history of peopledom. Inside that child is a seed which, if properly nourished, could grow up into the mature expression of what is within that seed. Just as simply as an acorn (which looks nothing at all like an oak tree) becomes, under the right conditions, an oak tree; so a child will, under the right conditions, grow up to become exactly the person his Father created him to become.

During the teen years children began to realize they are not just extensions of their parents. A child may be very different from his or her parents. Often this is cause for unnecessary relational grief and adversity between parents and children. A parent should ask, “What is it that I see in my child (and that might be different from what I had expected) that could be something this child’s Father has created in him or her and, therefore, needs respecting (and, perhaps, even encouraging)?” I have seen parent-teen conflicts in homeschooling that are nothing more than parent failing to see what God is doing in the child. Could we be trying to send our child through a course of study that has little to do with what God Himself wants as an educational priority for this child? Could something within the child (like his spirit) be reacting to this?

We have all heard the biblical injunction to “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Most often this quote from Proverbs is used to justify moral training. Although moral training is important, that is not what the verse is referencing.

The Hebrew word that is translated "to train up" is also used in another place in the Bible: When Solomon dedicated the Temple the word translated “dedicate” is the same Hebrew word which is translated in the Proverbs verse, “train up.” What is meant by this Hebrew word is “to narrow the focus.” Simply put, as a child grows up, we the parents are narrowing the focus of this child’s set of educational and practical experiences to be more and more specific to who this child was created to be in the first place. When “dedicated” (the focus narrowed; or, should we say, the Temple identified as to what it really was), the Temple could never again be considered whatever those watching might have speculated was being constructed in their midst. It was the Temple of God!--not a racquetball court, school, or someone’s grand house.

All this is to say that God created your child(ren). He gave him or her to you and, as the years go by, He will let you know who this child is (or is to become). Each child is different. Some children are very different. My intent in writing this article is to ask parents to pay attention to each of your children and ask his or her Creator to be constantly letting you in on who this child is. I believe that, if you do, the Spirit of God—the unseen Presence in your home— will let you know whom you are raising. With this growing knowledge you will be able to give that child an education—actually a growing up experience—unique to that child, and one which will prepare him or her to fully become the person God created him or her to be.

It takes both time and resources to be good at anything. To do this means that certain other areas of learning will be minimized. It means spending money on resources. It means giving the child lots of time to become good at what he or she loves to do. But, mostly, it means paying attention to the child’s personality, likes and dislikes, and being on the child’s side.

In our highly educated society, one would think that the average, educated American is very fulfilled. But think of the following statistics: 1. The average college student now takes six years to finish a degree since he changes majors 2.3 times (and 40% never finish at all). 2. Only 10% of those who finish college go on to work in the field for which they spent years and thousands of dollars preparing. 3. The average American changes jobs seven times and has three complete career changes in his or her life-time. 4. Many adults, especially men, have a complete crisis in their mid-life years.

How do I interpret these statistics? One thing seems fairly obvious to me: Americans, for the most part, are all trying to figure out who they are and what to do with their lives! I would like to believe that my sons could leave home having a fairly clear identity and having had the time to become really good at what they do best.

A special plea to fathers: I am convinced that one of the most important roles a father serves in his family is to identify his children. Over the years I have realized just how powerful are the words of a father in the lives of his children. Of course, we fathers are constantly identifying our children with our words. Unfortun-ately, many of us have had little identification ourselves and so we often speak words to our children which say, in effect, “You are not worth much.” We do this mostly when we speak to our children out of either frustration or anger. Over time a child takes on an internal identity that says, “I am not very smart/good/ pretty/worthy/_________ (fill in the blank yourself).”

By identifying a child I mean to first pay attention to what the Holy Spirit is showing you to be the identifying characteristics the child is showing you on a daily basis. What does the child like to do in his or her spare time? What toys does the child like or what games is the child good at? What broad areas (such as people skills or mechanical skills) is the child beginning to exhibit? As you see these (often only with an internal eye), take the time to speak words of identification to the child.

I do this when the boys are together with me (and I make sure this happens often). I will tell Seth, “I am always impressed and amazed when you are able to look at a problem and go right to the source of what’s wrong.

You may wonder why I am always calling on you when I can’t figure out what’s wrong with the computer (or lawnmower, etc.). That’s because I know you can tell me right away. You have tremendous problem-solving skills. I believe you could take just about any problem and solve it.”

My second son, James, is listening to these words. He knows he cannot do the things Seth can do and he begins to feel a little jealous of Seth and how I am able to say such good words to his brother. Everyone needs a benediction—not flattery mind you—but exactly what the word “benediction” means (bene: good; diction: a word). In other words, “a good word.”

So James asks, “And what about me, Dad?” I turn to James and say, “James, you are not very good at these things.” James knows this already, but he is a little surprised that I would say so. He wants me to say something good about him, too. But part of defining James is to let him know who he is not. Now I am able to say, “The reason you are not very good at the things Seth can do is that God has put in you completely different abilities. James, you are one of the most “people” persons I know. Even little children follow you around. Everyone loves you, James. And you are a strong man of God. People watch you and you give them the courage to trust the Lord in their lives because you, as a young man with a progressively debilitating disease, are trusting in the Lord for your future. A future filled with music and drama; music lessons and stage performances. Because that’s who James is.

When I am through talking to James, he has no desire to be like Seth. He is James: that unique person who is like no one else. And so it is with Blake, and so it should be with each of your children. It is the great prerogative of fathers to do this for our children. It is a part of imparting The Blessing so often spoken of in the Bible.

Let’s seek to identify our children and give them the great edge others leave home without: knowing who they are and ready to face the world competent to do what they came into the world to do. Of course, that will be made more and more clear throughout the years; but we can certainly begin them on the right path while they are still with us.

God bless you,
Chris Davis, The Elijah Company
http://www.elijahco.com/