Hear a recorded Greeting from Mister Ed Himself!
This is going to be a tirade written in stream of conciousness! I am fully responsible for its content! If you are offended by challenges to your sanity or intelligence, read no further!
First of all, I'd like to thank all the nerds out there who helped put together this way cool entity known as the Internet. No matter what kind of loony birdcrap you're into, it's there to serve. I've looked up everything from flag burning to nazi groups to Todd Rundgren to my favorite TV shows, and IT'S ALL THERE! Nerds....God bless 'em.
That said...I just want to remind anyone who stumbles upon this rant that you GOT WHAT YOU ASKED FOR! You complain about violence in the schools and on TV and in the movies, and then you go out and make Arnold Scwartzenwhatsis a freakin' millionaire by watching his blood-spattered attempts at acting! And that's just "Kindergarten Cop"!
And as for the ability of one human being to out-cruel another, please get me started. I'm looking at the front page of the "San Francisco Chronicle" for 1/16/98. In bold letters "Joe Camel Designed to Lure Teens". Well...DUH! But now internal memos have surfaced that confirm what we knew all along. Because the old smokers keep DYING, they need to lure YOUNGER ones to take their place. Ask yourself a question: "How would I feel if our government was sanctioning a war that was killing 400,000 Americans EVERY YEAR?" Well they are, people of the world, and it is being perpetrated by none other than Senator Jesse Helms himself. You want to know where the Devil spends his vacation time? Right down in tobacco country, on the Sen. Jesse's plantation.
Jon Benet Ramsey...a sweet little girl who tried to do the right things for Mommy and Daddy and the judges and whoever. Her payoff? A restless soul in limbo while the cops inquire politely "Please may we ask you nice parents can we pretty please talk about how your daughter died and we're sorry to trouble you but can we talk to her brother who was in the house at the time and sorry to bother you and oh, you say "No"...okay, well we'll just be off then..." PLEASE! Do you think that if this had been a Black or Hispanic family, or even a white family without the means to hire a slick team of lawyers, that the same rules would apply? Tell you what, if it had been MY family, my wife and I would probably be in jail before the SUN WENT DOWN!
The President of the University of Florida calls the incoming head an "Oreo". He writes an apology, calling it a "poor choice of words". Again I say, with all due respect...DUH! Which words are appropriate for expressing racial intolerence? "Of the Negro pursuation, only leading a priveleged life so you don't appear to obviously be a drug dealer"? As if we're all given a choice before birth...("Okay, so before you shoot down the tube, what will it be, black, white, yellow, red, cafe au lait, sharkbait, Southern California Tan, or All of the Above"?) I have two kids who nearly fit into the last category, and it burns the starch right into me whenever I hear anyone catgorized that way.
Okay, one more thing here and then I'll let you go...You're going to think this is nuts, but those who know me know it for sure. Listen...some day, maybe tomorrow, those little green guys out there are going to make contact. I really hope I'm alive when it happens, because it will be SO COOL to see the looks on the faces of those religious types who have insisted that WE are God's ultimate master work. Whether or not some concentrated Being does exist isn't important to me. What is important is to learn to live on this rapidly shrinking sphere with all the other lemmings. Once we do that we can concentrate all those pent-up creative efforts that have so far been spent in efforts to eradicate each other into more useful pursuits. Why are there no warp engines? Why aren't we living in the future that was predicted 50 years ago? You know, hover-cars, shiny jumpsuits, all illness abolished, etc. The answer: WE ARE TOO BUSY LOOKING OVER OUR SHOULDERS AT THE GUY WITH THE BIG CLUB WHO WANTS TO HIT US AND TAKE OUR STUFF SO WE NEED A BIG CLUB TOO...ad nauseum. I tell you what, when the starships get here, I'm getting on first.
Originally written 1/16/98 in a state of grace...
I will be updating this column whenever I feel like it. As soon as I write a few, there will be an archive.
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