You Know You R A Mommy When...
* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
* You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son's favorite toy car and made him cry.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your child throws up and you catch it.
* Someone else's kid throws up and you keep eating.
* You consider fingerpaint to be a controlled substance.
* You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
* Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal, and you do it.
* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child bites his toast into the shape of a gun.
* You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it is the only one your child wants to eat.
* You convince your child that FAO Schwarz is a toy museum, not a store.
* You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
* You hate the thought of his wife even more.
* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.
* You fast forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.
* You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.
* You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.
* You can't bear to give away baby clothes-it's so final.
* You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!"
* You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
* You lose sleep.
* You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
* You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average".
* You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
* You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything!
-Liane Kupferberg Carter
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