Jokes, quotes and proverbs

Two fleas come out from the cinema and one says:
"Shall we go home on foot,
or shall we take a dog?!?!"

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
-- Rita Rudner

"To err is human, to moo is bovine.
To err is human, to purr is feline.
To err is human, to forgive, canine."
-- Unknown

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size,
because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
-- * DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy

"I named my dog 'Stay'...
so I can say 'Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.'"
-- Steven Wright

"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children,
as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length
that a child cannot do much harm one way or another."
-- Robert Benchley (1889 - 1945)

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face,
you should go home and examine your conscience."
-- Woodrow Wilson

"A piece of grass a day keeps the vet away"
-- Unknown Dog

"The difference between cats and dogs is,
dogs come when they are called,
cats take a message and get back to you."
-- Unknown

When a man's best friend is his dog,
that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas."
-- Italian Proverb

"I'm a mog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend"
-- Barf, John Candy (Spaceballs)

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
-- Danish Proverb

"If you can't decide between a Shepherd, a Setter or a Poodle,
get them all ... adopt a mutt!"
-- ASPCA

Bulldogs are adorable,
with faces like toads that have been sat on.
-- Colette

It looks like a miniature hippopotamus with badly-fitting panty hose all over.
-- Roger Caras about the Chinese Shar-pei

"They [dogs] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself,
and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation."
-- Jerome K. Jerome

"When a dog wags her tail and barks at the same time,
how do you know which end to believe?"
-- Anonymous

"Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning,
but you must have a pond of water handy and a child,
or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland."
-- Josh Billings

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck

"Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans
or they will treat you like dogs."
-- Martha Scott

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics
is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs."
-- Christopher Hampton

"If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you;
but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer."
-- Alfred North Whitehead

"My goal in life is to become as wonderful as my dog thinks I am."
-- Toby & Eileen Green

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-- Roger Caras

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