Special thanks to Nessa, for her dialogue advice!

DISCLAIMER: The following is not an actual script for The Drew Carey Show, nor is it meant to be taken as such. It is purely for entertainment purposes.

That being said, please be entertained.

(EST: EXT. The Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland.)
CUT TO:
(The R&R HoF ticket booths. There is a large crowd streaming in. Drew, Kate, Lewis, and Oswald go up to a ticket window.)

DREW
Four adults, please.

TICKET VENDOR
$59.80.

(Everyone pays their share.)

KATE
Large crowd today.

VENDOR
There's a TV show taping here today. Everyone who buys admission to the museum gets a ticket.

OSWALD
TV? Really?

LEWIS
What show?

VENDOR
"Whose Line is it Anyway?"

KATE
I think I've heard of that. When's it on?

VENDOR
Wednesdays, at 9:30.

OSWALD
How come I've never seen it?

DREW
Because we're at the Warsaw every Wednesday at 9:30.

OSWALD
Oh, right.

KATE
How come they're taping it here?

VENDOR
The host is from Cleveland. I guess they wanted to do a location shoot or something.

LEWIS
So we get into the show?

VENDOR
Yes, and it's an audience-participation show. You could be on TV.

(Everyone gasps in excitement.)

OSWALD
We're gonna be on TV!

LEWIS
This is so cool!

KATE
Do I look all right?

(They walk away from the ticket booth.)

DREW
All right, calm down, you guys. The show's not for hours. We're here to look around the museum.

(They hand over their tickets and enter the museum.)

DREW
After all, this may be a ticket-buying gimmick, but we're here because we appreciate Rock 'N Roll, just like everyone else who visits the museum.

(Suddenly, he's crashed into by a horde of Whosers as they dash into the museum.)

WHOSERS
Whose Line rocks! Whose Line rocks!

(The Whosers dash off. Drew staggers a bit.)

DREW
Who were they?

LEWIS
People who appreciate Rock 'N Roll.

CUT TO:
(Opening Titles)

(commercial)

(INT: Ahmet M. Ertegun Exhibition Hall at the HoF. Drew, Kate, Lewis and Oswald enter and look around. Kate is holding a map of the museum.)

KATE
Where to first, you guys?

(They all gather around the map.)

LEWIS
How about "500 Songs That Shaped Rock 'N Roll"?

OSWALD
We don't have time to listen to 500 songs!

DREW
We wouldn't listen to them all, Oswald! But I'd like to go see the new "Legends of Rock" exhibit.

KATE
No way! We gotta hit the Rolling Stones exhibit! They're legends of rock!

LEWIS
The Stones must have songs in the 500! Come on!

OSWALD
I'd like to see the "One-Hit Wonders". It's fun to laugh at them!

(They continue arguing about which exhibit to see. Mimi comes up behind them. She's in a shimmery gold outfit.)

MIMI
What's this, the little piggy and his loser friends can't decide which bit of music to gape at first?

DREW
Of all the Rock and Roll museums in all the world, she had to come swooping into mine.

(Mimi glares at him.)

DREW
And why are you dressed like a cheap awards statue?

LEWIS
Apart from the obvious reasons?

MIMI
Because I am going to be on TV, and I want to be noticed.

DREW
Like you could be missed!

(Mr. Wick comes up behind Mimi.)

MR. WICK
Come on, Mimi, let's ... Oh. Hello, Carey. Carey's loser friends.

MIMI
I just called them that.

DREW
Hello, Mr. Wick. I didn't know you were into Rock 'N Roll.

MR. WICK
I'm not. But I rather enjoy that television program, "Whose Line is it Anyway?"

OSWALD
They show it in England?

MR. WICK
It started in England, you nitwit. It's been on television there for 10 years! And now they have this new American version, and your network executives have done god knows what to it! I'm here to make sure you haven't ruined it completely! And Mimi's gonna take notes for me! We'll be watching carefully!

DREW
You're a bit obsessive over a TV show, aren't you?

MR. WICK
The same way you're obsessive about beer, Carey.

LEWIS
The TV show makes you hit on ugly chicks and wake up 10 miles from home with no pants on?

MR. WICK
Oh ... come on, Mimi. Let's look around this place a bit before the show starts.

MIMI
Who knows Drew, they may just make up a song about you ... "This little piggy!" Ha!

(Mimi and Mr. Wick walk off.)

DREW
Will she ever come up with an original line?

LEWIS
Come on guys, let's go over to the sound booths. We can each pick the music we want to listen to.

OSWALD
All right.

CUT TO:
(They walk over to '500 Songs' section, staring at the big screens, and begin to separate to walk among the displays, Kate heads for those screens, Lewis & Oswald for the displays to the side, and Drew to the jukebox portion. There are 4 jukeboxes, and two are open. He takes one of the open ones and begins to stare at it, trying to decide what song to play. Beside him, Wayne is looking over the jukebox's selection, Mandie by his side. Looking quite amused, he makes his decision and some guitar blues pours out of the machine. As the voice of BB King starts up, Wayne sings along, perfectly in tune.)

WAYNE
Everyday. Everyday I have the blues ...

(Drew, paying attention to him, steps a step back and loses his place at the jukebox. With a glare at the person who took it from him, he steps back to wait for a free one. Meanwhile, that clip is over and Wayne is pressing other buttons, until some smooth R&B plays, and begins to sing along to that Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing'.)

WAYNE
Baby, I got up this morning ...

(as Wayne continues to sing the song, getting into the lyrics a little further, a woman using the next jukebox gets distracted by his song and steps closer to him instead of using her machine. Drew goes up to the machine and tries to talk to the woman.)

DREW
Are you done with this?

(The woman keeps watching Wayne)

DREW
Excuse me? Hello?

(Drew is annoyed that she won't even look at him, and begins to glare at Wayne)

DREW
(mumbled under breath but hoping the woman will hear him)
Oh, come on, he doesn't even have any range...

(the woman glares at him and leaves as the song ends, leaving Drew to his machine, where he promptly pushes in a few #s to call up a song. As he is doing that, Wayne picks another one - Bob Dylan, 'Don't Think Twice' - and sings along, sounding practically just like the track)

WAYNE
Ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe, It don't matter anyhow ...

(Wayne keeps singing, to the annoyance of Drew, who now is flustered enough that he can't hit the buttons right and can't call up his song. Wayne finishes the first verse.)

WAYNE
Don't think twice, it's alright.

(He turns and grins at Drew, meant to be a "relax man" look but Drew misconstrues it in his already annoyed state and starts glowering at him. Wayne doesn't notice, just turns back to the machine, hand running down the screen, and suddenly a large million watt grin lights up his face and he hits a few buttons. To add insult to injury, Drew's jukebox is much quieter than Wayne's, from which the sound of The Four Tops ('Baby I Need Your Loving') blares forth. Wayne sings along, dancing a bit to the beat. The crowd, which has been gathering ever since Wayne started, begins to clap along as he dances to the music, even including Oswald, Kate & Lewis, as well as a bunch of other people. Off to one side smiling and clapping is Jenn, watching Wayne adoringly, Tashia, grinning triumphantly, and Sam, also watching with a grin on her face.)

(The onlookers applaud as the song ends and begin to disperse. Wayne puts his arm around Mandie as the three Whosers stand nearby. Many of the crowd, including Kate, Lewis and Oswald, go up to Wayne and tell him what a good singer he is. Drew goes up to him, too.)

LEWIS
Wow man, you can really sing!

KATE
You were just wonderful!

OSWALD
Hey, if you ever want to join a band, we've got this group called The Horndogs...

WAYNE
Um, thanks, but I'm in a band already.

DREW
Hey man, did you ever think about a little consideration for others?

(Everyone looks at Drew in surprise.)

WAYNE
Uh, excuse me?

DREW
I'm over here trying to listen to my songs, and you're singing so loud I can't hear them!

WAYNE
Hey, sorry man. I thought everyone was enjoying my singing.

(Everyone but Drew assures Wayne that they did, and everyone glares at Drew.)

JENN
Hey, how could you not like the songs this man sings?

TASHIA
He's simply wonderful!

SAM
Mesmerizing!

KATE
And so handsome!

DREW
Kate, don't you become a groupie, too.

WAYNE
Hey, these ladies are my friends, not my groupies!

DREW
Right, I've seen friends like that gathered around stage doors in tight skirts.

(Everyone gasps.)

KATE
Drew!

DREW
(indicating Mandie) Are you showing off to impress this little chick?

(More horrified gasps)

MANDIE
How dare you???

WAYNE
(furious) This is my fiancée, and I will NOT have you speak about her like that!!!

(Drew looks at their rings, becomes contrite.)

DREW
Aw, jeez, man ... I'm really sorry. Honest.

MANDIE
Go away before we call security.

DREW
Come on guys, let's go over to Legends of Rock.

LEWIS
Pardon? Do we know you?

DREW
Lewis! Come on.

(He leads the way. Lewis, Oswald, and Kate apologize to Wayne and Mandie, then catch up with Drew as he enters the Legends exhibit.)

(At the front of the Legends exhibit is a display of Tina Turner's stage outfits. Denny is here, talking with Dana, Joanne and Dean. They're alternating between looking at the display and just chatting. Drew looks over at Denny.)

DREW
Wow, she's cute. I wonder if she's available.

OSWALD
You gonna ask her out, Drew?

LEWIS
You old glutton for punishment, you?

DREW
I can get a pretty girl to date me!

(Kate, Lewis and Oswald snicker.)

KATE
Since when?

DREW
Hey, I may not be good-looking, or rich, or powerful, but I ... I ... well, I'm still gonna try!

KATE
Try to avoid calling her a hooker this time.

DREW
I said groupie, not hooker.

LEWIS
It's OK buddy, we know you can do it.

DREW
Thank you, Lewis.

(Drew walks over to Denny.)

LEWIS
10 bucks says she calls security.

OSWALD
I say she runs off screaming.

KATE
Guys! Have a little faith! She'll probably just laugh in his face, like women usually do.

(Lewis and Oswald nod in agreement.)

(Drew walks over to Denny.)

DANA
So when do you think you'll be in New York next?

DENNY
Not sure. Probably in a couple of months.

JOANNE
I might be able to drive in for the show. I'll have to see.

DREW
Excuse me...

DEAN
Don't suppose you'll come to New Zealand?

DENNY
Um ... probably not. (laughs) But I'm so glad you could make it here!

DREW
Pardon me, miss...

DENNY
Yes?

DREW
You know, we're both here, lovers of Rock and Roll…

DENNY
I suppose so.

DREW
What do you say to just being lovers?

(CUT back to Lewis, Kate and Oswald watching the proceedings. There's a *smack* heard, and they all cringe.)

LEWIS
Ah, standard reaction.

(Drew walks back, as Denny and the Whosers walk to the other Legends exhibits in a huff.)

DREW
Um, she's busy later.

OSWALD
Yeah, resting her palm.

DREW
Awww...let's come back here later, when the crowd's thinned out.

LEWIS
Like when there's one woman less.

DREW
Kate, you still want to see the Rolling Stones?

KATE
Hell yeah!

DREW
Come on, then.

(They leave the Legends exhibit.)

DISSOLVE TO:
(They walk around to the "Shake Rattle and Roll" exhibit, Drew leading the way. In the middle of the exhibit is a display on Buddy Holly. Greg is examining the display and laughing. Nessa E, Ness M, and Julie are at a nearby display, within hearing distance.)

DREW
Oh hey, look! Cool!

KATE
What, the '50s exhibit?

(Drew goes up to Greg. Kate, Lewis and Oswald follow close behind.)

DREW
Hey man, I think it's great that you're here!

GREG
Thanks! Thanks for coming out!

DREW
Shouldn't you have a guitar or something?

GREG
A guitar?

DREW
Maybe some more 1950-ish clothes? I mean, I know it's budget restrictions and all, but...

GREG
Are you feeling all right?

DREW
Don't get me wrong, I think it's great having a Buddy Holly impersonator! Gives the exhibit a nice touch, you know?

GREG
Me? An impersonator? I don't think so, man!

DREW
Oh, sure. So let me guess, you're the real Buddy Holly, and you faked your death, right?

GREG
(sarcastically)
Yes, that's it. And I've found a magical potion so I never age, either. I think I have one you might like, Pookie - it'll make you stop looking like Dilbert's evil twin.

DREW
Hey!

OSWALD
Come on, Drew - he doesn't look THAT much like Buddy Holly.

GREG
Thank you.

OSWALD
More like Elvis Costello.

GREG
Have you seen Elvis Costello lately, bud?

DREW
Oswald, who do you think Elvis Costello looks like?

OSWALD
Um ... this guy?

GREG
...No, no, I guess you wouldn't have, would you.... It figures... you're probably from Cleveland...

DREW
Elvis Costello looks like Buddy Holly, you idiot! AND this guy!

GREG
You must be a real draw at parties with your effervescent personality and sparkling conversation. If you ever leave the spinach dip.

DREW
Why, I oughta...

(Nessa E, Ness M, and Julie come over and tap Drew. Greg watches them in amusement, but is still clearly annoyed at Drew.)

NESS M
Pardon me, but I'd watch my ass around him if I were you.

DREW
(disbelivingly) Oh? What for?

NESSA E
Because he can be harsh when he wants to.

JULIE
You'll get the sharp end of his tongue.

DREW
What's he gonna do, French me?

NESSA E
He'll mess with your mind so bad, you may never walk the same again.

DREW
Don't make me laugh!

NESS M
No, that's not our department.

DREW
(to Greg)
What are you gonna do, Buddy? Sing to me?
(sings off-key and loudly)
"Oh, that'll be the day, when you make me cry..."

KATE
Drew, stop it.

(Greg gets visibly more and more upset.)

JULIE
He's gonna blow!

NESSA E
Run for it!

(The three girls take cover, along with Kate, Lewis and Oswald. Drew sings and dances around Greg. Close-up of Greg, who is about as mad as he can get. Greg opens his mouth...)
(INSERT footage of a mushroom cloud)
(Close-up of Drew. He's staggering away from Greg, his glasses askew on his face. He's clearly stunned. Kate, Lewis and Oswald run up to him.)

LEWIS
Wow, I've never seen anything like that!

KATE
Drew, are you all right?

DREW
(a bit shakily)
He could defeat Tyson with that tongue. I've never heard such insults.

(Ness M, Nessa E and Julie pass by.)

NESS M
We warned you, man.

(The three walk over to Greg, who is dusting off his hands and smiling triumphantly.)

DREW
I need a new life.

(Commercial)

(INT: the fourth floor of the HoF. Drew & Co. walk towards the room where the show will be held)

OSWALD
C'mon guys, let's check out that photo exhibit back on the second floor.

DREW
Hang on a second. I mean, if we got free tickets to a show, might as well find out how to get to it.

(They turn the corner, to see the entrance to the hall. In front of it stands Larry arguing with Mae. They watch the proceedings while waiting to talk to Mae.)

LARRY
Awww, come on ...

MAE
No and that's the final answer. The only way to get in early and get special seating is if you are on the production list. Otherwise, you take whatever you are directed to on your way in.

LARRY
You know, I happen to be very close with the owner of the finest department store in Cleveland. How would you like your own $50 shopping spree?

MAE
$50?

LARRY
Uh-huh.

MAE
That's enough for what, half a dress?

LARRY
Well ... um ...

MAE
If you're not on the production list, you wait in line with everybody else. Bribery, if you can call that bribery, will get you nowhere.

(Larry stands there, fuming, and glaring at the page, who makes no attempt to move. He fumes even more when Emile and Tim wander up to her and say hi, and she replies, very friendly.)

EMILE
Hi, Mae!

MAE
Hello, Whosers.

TIM
Can we please check to make sure we're on the list?

MAE
Sure. Here.

(They check the list.)

EMILE
Yep, looks like we're all there.

TIM
Thanks, Mae.

MAE
You're welcome. Don't forget, you need to be lined up here in about an hour.

TIM
We'll be here!

(Tim and Emile walk off.)

LARRY
How'd they get on the list?

MAE
They know people on the show.

LARRY
I know people on the -

DREW
Geez Larry, give it up.

(Larry spins around and sees them. Mae walks off.)

DREW
What's the matter, not falling for your charms?

LARRY
I just want to get a good seat, but that gorgon there won't let me...

KATE
Oh, really charming, no wonder she didn't fall for it.

OSWALD
What's the big deal, anyway?

LARRY
Mrs. Louder is a big fan of the show. I want to get a good seat so I can get on TV and impress her!

DREW
If she's such a fan, why didn't you bring her to the show?

LARRY
She's out of town visiting relatives. And in a few weeks, she'll see me on TV, and just think I'm the greatest!

LEWIS
And you want her to think you're the greatest because...

LARRY
You know why! I'll see you later. There must be a supervisor I can talk to.

(He leaves)

DREW
Well, I guess we're supposed to be lined up in an hour.

OSWALD
Then let's go back to that photo exhibit.

(They start to walk off.)

DREW
Can we get some food at some point? And lots of beer? I think I need it.

DISSOLVE TO:
(They enter the photo exhibit. It's sparsely populated, except for a somewhat large group gathered around a photo of the Jackson 5. Brad is next to the photo, obviously talking about it, although he's out of Drew's hearing range. Ashley, Brooke, and Sharilyn, along with other people who happened along, are listening intently, not out of adoration so much as a genuine interest in what he's saying. Drew leads the group to a photo of Pete Seeger, which is next to Brad's.)

BRAD
...Did you know they were discovered by Diana Ross?

ASHLEY
You're kidding.

BRAD
Their first album was "Diana Ross presents The Jackson 5"...

(he fades out as Drew and co. pass by him)

DREW
Oh look, Pete Seeger. Boy, he was cool.

OSWALD
I've never heard of him.

DREW
Sure, he's the lead singer of the Silver Bullet Band. They sang "Old Time Rock 'N Roll," "Night Moves," "Against the Wind", ... lots of great stuff.

(Brad comes up behind them, followed by his group. He's overheard Drew's speech.)

BRAD
Pardon me, but that's BOB Seger you're referring to.

(Kate, Lewis, and Oswald laugh.)

KATE
Nice one, Drew.

LEWIS
Yeah, you're sure a genius.

DREW
(embarrassed, to Brad)
OK, you tell me about Pete Seeger, then.

BRAD
OK. Have you ever heard of the song, 'Turn, Turn, Turn'?

(Everyone nods.)

BRAD
That was by Pete Seeger.

DREW
No it wasn't. It was by the Byrds.

BRAD
The Byrds sang it, yes. Pete wrote it.

OSWALD
Yeah Drew, Pete WROTE it.

DREW
Oh shut up Oswald, you didn't know that either until just now.

BRAD
He was very big in the folk movement, worked with Woody Guthrie. I'm sure you've heard of him at least, right? And he also did a good bunch of stuff on his own. For instance, "Where Have all the Flowers Gone?"

BROOKE
Oklahoma!

(Everyone except Drew and his friends laugh. Brad moves on to the next photo, of the Beatles. Kate, Lewis and Oswald follow. Drew trails reluctantly.)

BRAD
Oh, The Beatles. Wow, what an old picture. Let's see ...
(reads the caption)
"Taken during the 'Please Please Me' sessions". Ah, their first album. You know, that was recorded in one thirteen-hour marathon.

SHARILYN
It was?

BRAD
Yeah, the record company wanted to cash in quickly on their popularity. Quite a difference from their later albums, which took weeks to record. They were experimenting more with special effects and such by then.

DREW
Yeah, like ... um, 'Sergeant Pepper.'

BRAD
Exactly.

(Drew looks proud of himself.)

BRAD
Although the inspiration for "Sergeant Pepper" was actually "Pet Sounds," by the Beach Boys.

DREW
Fine. Whatever.

KATE
Drew! Can't you be nice? I mean, look at him! He's so ... amazing!

(The Whosers overhear her, and turn around as they walk to the next display, of the Grateful Dead.)

ASHLEY
Isn't he, though? He's so smart!

BROOKE
And funny!

SHARILYN
And you should hear him sing!

KATE
Uh-huh. But look how cute he is!

BRAD
Oh, now that's a really cool one of the Grateful Dead. Look at how you can see the audience too, you know how many people followed them around constantly? It's like a psychedelic field, that audience.
(he keeps talking, faded into the background as Oswald and Kate talk)
But what a blast to see them in concert. Even if they had to keep replacing members cause of problems with drugs and alcohol ... or members that got their own careers. Like Bruce Hornsby, played the keyboards with them for awhile.

OSWALD
He's all wrong for you, Kate. He's an intellectual.

(Kate glares at Oswald.)

KATE
Well then, I suppose that makes you Mr. Right, doesn't it?

OSWALD
Yes, it - hey!

(They move on, to a picture of B.B. King. Kate pushes her way to the front, next to Brad.)

KATE
(flirtatious) Hi...

BRAD
Hi.

KATE
Can I ask you something?

BRAD
Sure, anything!

KATE
Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

BRAD
Uh ...

KATE
What kind of car do you drive? I bet it's red and sporty.

BRAD
Well, yes, but...

OSWALD
Hey, what do you know about this guy?
(indicates photo)

BRAD
That's B.B. King, looks like in a nightclub, about the best place to hear that type of music. B.B. King, AKA the Beale Street Blues Boy, and Lucille.

KATE
Lucille? Is that his wife?

BRAD
No, Lucille is his guitar. Amazingly famous guitar. You see, B.B. King is like the ultimate blues guitarist. You know he won a title as best guitarist in the world? Up against all these fancy rock guitarists, doing all their trills and fancy notes, and all he had to do was walk out, and play one chord. But played it absolutely perfectly. Near impossible to do you know. Just one example of why they call him the king of the blues.

(The Whosers go off a small distance and talk. Kate gets even closer to Brad.)

KATE
I love watching your mouth move when you speak.

BRAD
(embarrassed)
Um, thanks.

KATE
So, do you live in Cleveland?

BRAD
No, I live in L.A.

KATE
Want a reason to come back?

OSWALD
Sure Kate, stomp all over his heart, too.

KATE
Oswald, you said you were over this.

OSWALD
You really want to end up with some ... studmuffin?

(Brad jumps at the comment.)

BRAD
You're not from North Carolina, are you?

OSWALD
Um, no. Why?

BRAD
I thought maybe it was a regional saying.

OSWALD
Thought what was?

BRAD
Never mind.

(The Whosers come back.)

BRAD
Ah! Here's my ladies!

KATE
These ... girls?

BRAD
They may be a bit young, but they know me for who I am.

ASHLEY
He's more than just a gorgeous guy, you know!

SHARILYN
He's got style!

BROOKE
And he's smart!

(Brad goes off, his arms around Ashley and Brooke. Kate turns red. Oswald smirks.)

OSWALD
I told you he was an intellectual.

KATE
This show better be funny. I need a laugh right now.

DREW
I need a snack right now. Let's take a food break and try to drown our sorrows.

go to part 2

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