As she walked on, she began to find horse prints and small paths where it looked people had passed quite recently. "The King's Men" she whispered to herself, backtracking their trails. She followed these into the woods, and was finding herself getting quite lost when she stumbled into an open place. There she found the White King seated on the ground, looking around frantically. "Where is that ticket?" he cried.
Ashley looked around the clearing as well, and spotted a white ticket off to the side, underneath a jar, slightly trampled but still in one piece. With a quick step she leaned over and picked everything up, walking towards the White King.
Smiling as he looked up at her, she held out the ticket. "Thank you my dear" the King cried in a tone of delight. "I need this ticket."
Ashley smiled, curtsying a bit, and then looked at the jar she also had picked up, reading the label. "Would you like some treacle to go with that?" she asked, holding out the jar.
He looked up at her, puzzled. " I think we may have some rather severely crossed lines here. No, I wouldn't like to eat the airline ticket, with or without treacle, honey, marmalade or anything of the kind. Just a plain, ordinary, vanilla if you like, ticket." he stated firmly, flipping that ticket in his hands over and over to make sure it was in one piece.
"What is the ticket for, may I ask?" enquired Ashley with curiosity, placing the jar of treacle to the side.
"It's for the great fight in town" answered the King. "I sent my messenger in before to see when it starts, and then lost my ticket. She should be coming back now. Could you be a dear and look down the road and tell me if you can see her?"
"I see nobody on the road" said Ashley. Peering off into the distance. Until she finally noticed a small figure skipping towards them. "I see somebody now!" she exclaimed. "But she's coming very slowly, balancing a bucket in one hand and some tool in the other, and keeps running off the road with it. It's very curious"
"Oh, not at all" said the King. "She's also the Royal Spackler, and those are spackling tools she carries. She only spackles randomly when she's happy. Her name is Joanne"
"Spackles?" replied Ashley, the question obvious in her voice. "She spackles seriously seeing she's spontaneous?"
"Surely" the King remarked simply. "Spackling is a gift to the kingdom. It has so many uses."
"I beg your pardon?" replied Ashley, confused again.
"It's not respectable to beg" replied the King, "now hush, I'm going to count to six ... one two three ... " he began, and at that moment the Messenger ran into the clearing all abuzz, not even noticing the spackle that was heading straight for the King's head. "Oh my god" he finished, barely dodging the flying liquid, which solidified on the tree behind him.
"I'm sorry" cried Joanne.
"No matter" replied the king. "What is happening?"
"They're at it again" she reported dutifully.
"Who are?" asked Ashley, curiosity overwhelming politeness.
"We haven't been properly introduced" replied the Messenger, "may I ask who you are?"
"My name is Ashley, and I'm a fan" she replied shyly, though she felt that she could definitely like this Messenger, with her kindly smile.
Even more so when the messenger put a motherly arm around her shoulder before responding to both her and the King. "Why the Lion and the Unicorn of course" she replied.
The King nodded. "And I want to use my ticket. lets run, and see them, shall we ladies?"
And so they ran along the path. Well, not running exactly, as the King had already commented that it was just not royal-like, or lady-like for them, but moving quickly at least. Finally, they came into sight of a great crowd, among which the Lion and the Unicorn, who were competing in the middle. The crowd was indistinguishable except for a pair of men in the Royal livery, one in red with short-cropped black hair and a weird Irish/Scottish accent, one in white with curly blonde hair , who seemed to be commentating on the fight. The fight in itself was unusual, as in the Lion and Unicorn never seemed to actually be touching each other, but they reacted just as if the blows were landing.
The Lion and the Unicorn were quite different in appearance though they both were tall. The Lion was taller by a bit, more lanky, mane of a gold-brown full and curly. His fur was the same colour, although down his chest a stripe of a brighter golden colour in a shape rather like a tie was visible. The Unicorn was a little shorter but still tall, broader and not as lanky, and his light brown mane was a bit paler, and drawn back off his forehead more, forelock replaced by the length of a magical-looking horn.
She walked with Joanne the Messenger and the King, as they conversed and seated themselves, the King in his throne, Ashley and Joanne sitting on the steps beside him. As they continued to talk, Ashley's eyes still didn't leave the Lion and the Unicorn as they fought. Finally, with a brutal hit, that never really hit, actually looking to her like just a tap of the Unicorn's horn, the Lion went down and fell to his knees. At that, the Unicorn, after ducking down to check out the Lion, headed straight for the King, and therefore her.
To the side she saw one woman move to help the Lion up, long hair falling around her face and over him, actually matching the colour of his mane in places. She was not dressed in a specific kingdom's outfit but everyone let her through as if she had authority, moving with respect at the gesture of one hand. She helped the Lion up and led him off past where the King sat into the comfort of the forest. As she passed Ashley, she nodded, a bright grin crossing her face, and Ashley almost swore she heard the woman whisper to herself "Much better than just straw" as the grin turned wicked.
But the Unicorn cleared his throat and she found herself looking back at him, surprised to find him watching her relatively intently with eyes a shade of brown circled with green. "What are you?" he asked, curiously.
"This is a fan" replied Joanne with a grin, coming out front to beside Ashley to introduce her. "We only found her today. She's as large as life and twice as nice." Ashley blushed at that.
"I always thought that fans were fabulous dreams" said the Unicorn, looking at Ashley, still standing there mute. "Can you talk?"
Ashley could not help her lips curling up into a smile at his friendly expression "Do you know, I always thought you were a fabulous dream too? It's so weird to actually meet you in person, after how nice you seemed from afar."
The Unicorn nodded "It's great to have the support" he commented. "And now that we have met each other, if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Support for both sides. Is that a bargain?"
Ashley felt her grin burst out into a full-fledged sunshiny smile, and spontaneously hugged him, then tapping him gently on the horn. "You're just too nice, to want to help me too. Thank you so much."
"No problem" replied the Unicorn, now raising it's head to look around. She saw the object of it's interest as the Lion reappeared, slinging a paw around the Unicorn's neck.
"They look rather friendly with each other here" she whispered to Joanne, who grinned and nodded.
"They are friends, except when they compete" she responded.
"Yes we are" replied the Lion, looking down at her curiously "So where are you headed to, if the Unicorn has offered to help then so must I."
"I'm headed to the Eighth Square to become a Queen, because I'm told to be able to do all I want to do in this realm I have to be one" she responded.
"Oh, of course" the Lion laughed, throwing his head back as he did. "Well in that case," he continued, gesturing down the path that went just past the woods he had just emerged from. "Follow that path, it takes you directly down the way to that square."
Ashley looked down the path. "Thank you Lion, and Unicorn" she exclaimed happily.
"Again, no problem" replied the Unicorn. "I wish we could do more but we have to stay here for the next fight."
Although Ashley had had many more questions about why they fought, she was also in a hurry, and the Lion and the Unicorn were immediately accosted by the two commentators to talk about the fight. So she wandered towards the path where they had told her to go, passing the great forest, and finding herself again on a checkered plain, following the winding path across it's length. As she walked over a hill, she saw another tree, a rarity on these plains so far, and went to sit in its shade for a rest.
However, at that moment her thoughts were interrupted by a loud shouting of " Check!" and a Knight, dressed in crimson armour, came galloping down upon her. The only part of his face visible through the helmet was a large bright grin. "Hey there dork, I'm afraid you're my prisoner" he called as he rolled off the dark bay horse he was riding, dropping red leather reins to the side as he quickly sidestepped towards her with a fancy dance step. Ashley was more intrigued then afraid by that comment as he lead the horse to beside her, got back on, and turned to reach back for her.
However, as soon as he was comfortably in the saddle again, another voice broke in "Check!" and Ashley looked around in surprise for the new voice. This time it was a White Knight, on a grey steed with black leather, himself in bright white armour, a pair of mischievously grinning eyes visible through the visor "Stop right there a minute!" he called. This knight drew up at the other side, and the two Knights sat and looked at each other for some time without speaking. Ashley just looked from one to the other in bewildered amusement.
Finally the Red Knight started to speak. But not quite speak. More like ... singing. In a jazzy, swing type style that made his horse stamp it's feet in time with the rhythm, almost like it was snapping along. His voice deep and melodic, impressing her as it rose. "Hey, this lil woman called Ashley, She's my prisoner don't you see ..."
The White Knight broke in at that, also singing, same style, his horse stamping along, and his voice was also really good, causing Ashley to gape some more. "But I came here to set her free, I rescued her so now she's with me."
"Do you want to fight?" broke out the Red Knight.
"You know that's right" chimed in the White Knight. Perfect harmony between their voices.
"Then lets go, lets start the show, don't you know" they managed to chime in harmony, amazing Ashley because, well, they hadn't had any time to plan this.
Their voices broke off though, making Ashley worry. They had mentioned fighting, and she was figuring it would be safest to make a break for it right now. However, when she looked up, she realized there was no chance. Their horses were circling her as they circled each other, making her feel on the spot for some reason, like she was on a stool in the middle of a stage or something like that.
And then they began to fight. But the fighting was not of violence like she suspected. Instead, they began to sing. Something in her mind put a label to it : scatting. Their voices raised high in syllables, they sang over her head at each other, the one singing a phrase, the other repeating it back, and then it went the other way, each trying more difficult phrases. She lost track of following it after the first simple one of "hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi", and instead of following just listened.
Finally, the White Knight sang one, and the Red Knight faltered. Triumphant, the White Knight urged his horse back, facing them. "Well fought" he said, pulling off his helmet, running a hand through black curls to fix them from helmet-hair and scratching at a sideburn.
"Well fought indeed" responded the Red Knight, pulling off his helmet to reveal eyes a warm chocolate brown that seemed relatively undisturbed by his loss. Running his fingers through his own dark hair, he placed his helmet to the side and rode up to shake the hand of his rival. Then he urged his steed back to where Ashley stood, lowering his dark head to her fair one. "Bye dork."
Ashley shook her head "How did you guys do that?" she exclaimed wondrously.
"Practice" replied the Red Knight with a grin. "We're equally good, usually come to a stalemate. I don't know what could have come over me this time."
She blushed at that comment, and at the conspiratorial wink he gave her, and then watched him grin again at her response before he rode off on his bay horse into the distance. Watching until she was distracted again by a clearing of the throat.
She turned around to find the White Knight leaning on his horse just a little ways away from her, head down but eyes up giving an even more mischievious look to his features. "It was a glorious victory wasn't it?" replied the White Knight, waving to get her attention and then giving a victory sign gesture with the one hand.
"It was amazing" replied Ashley "But to be quite honest, I don't want to be anybody's prisoner. I want to be just myself, and to do that I'm told I have to be a Queen."
"You want to be just yourself? Marvelous" he replied. "I can see why being a Queen would help, it's the only way to get freedom of movement here."
"You don't have freedom of movement?" replied Ashley, amazed "Why that would mean ..."
Seeing the mischievious grin she now wore, his voice quickly cut her off "Ix-nay. Don't go there. The only place to go is across to the Brook, once you pass that you will be a Queen." At that he pulled her up in front of him on the horse, and gently guided the horse down the hill.
As they rode, she felt something bumping into her back. Her upper back (get your minds out of there *G*), and she turned a bit to see. Around his neck hung a box which bumped into her back as they moved. "What's that?" she asked.
He moved it to where she could see it better, and she noticed it was ornately carved with monkeys. "It's so I can carry things when I'm riding around. Right now it's just got my lunch. Chicken-fried rice."
"And what's with the monkey thing?" she asked, curious. However, at that moment he urged the horse into a trot and distracted her from the question, or at least made it hard for her to re-ask the question. The wind however brought tears to her eyes, and he slowed down quickly.
"Aww, you're sad" the Knight said in an anxious tone. "Let me sing you a song to comfort you."
"Is it very long?" replied Ashley.
"No, not very" the Knight responded again "We're almost there after all." Ashley grinned at that and looked up at him.
Of all the strange things Ashley saw in her journey in this land, this was the one that she remembered most clearly. Afterwards she could bring the whole scene back again - the mild eyes and kindly smile of the Knight, the setting sun through his hair, and shining on his armour to dazzle her, the horse moving quietly about, and the black shadows of the forest behind all this, she took it all in as he sang to her.
As he completed the song, she came back to herself. Not only because the song was over, but because she heard another voice break in. A female voice, yelling. "Woo!" came the call, appreciative. "I should have known it was you again White Knight. The song always gives you away."
Ashley looked down startled, to see a woman reclining on a blanket on a patch of sand alongside a winding strip of blue water. "Hello again" said the White Knight with a dazzling smile "Ashley here needs to get to the next square to become a Queen."
"Hello Ashley" the woman said with a friendly tone as Ashley dismounted, although with surprise Ashley noted the woman's eyes continued to smile up more at where she had been seated and where the Knight was. He smiled back at her, then looked around curiously. "Where'd your friend go?"
"Oh, she went to go watch the show in town, you know, Lion, Unicorn, all that jazz" replied the woman with a friendly tone. "And may I say you look as good in armour as you do in Tin?"
Ashley turned to the Knight again, head cocked to the side, unable to picture him in Tin armour, but agreeing that he looked good in the white armour. However, there was little time for all this, so she with a sigh asked "Is this the brook I must pass?", gesturing to the water.
"No" replied the Knight "That is the Brook you must pass.", gesturing to the woman.
"Brook with an E, thank you very much." Brooke replied, nodding to the Knight, who nodded gallantly back, and then once to Ashley with a grin, and rode off.
Ashley turned to the woman, who was still wearing a grin. But then, so was she. Around that grin she managed to ask "So, what do I have to do to get across Brooke?"
"Are you truly ready?" enquired the woman, leaning back against the blanket, curls spread out beneath her.
Ashley thought about it, hard, and then nodded.
"Well then go" replied Brooke with a negligent wave of her hand. "It's just a hop, skip and a jump away."
And so Ashley hopped, skipped and then jumped over the water. Landing with a solid thump, she waved goodbye to Brooke (with an E) and started off. Barely hearing the other woman's whisper of "good. Less competition".
As she walked away from the water though, her steps got heavier and heavier. Some of her tried to brush it off as the feeling of leaving that last situation, but as she kept walking she felt that it had to be more. And indeed she realized it was more, as she felt something heavy lowered on her head. Raising her hand she touched the heavy object to find in amazement that it was a golden crown. "This is an honour, yet it feels so weird" spoke Ashley to herself, "I feel like I should be walking with 5 generals to give my orders to, trailed by a bodyguard who also is an assassin, and want to yell out me me me, look at me and rule the world." The heaviness left her at the absurdity of that thought and she giggled. "Definitely not me" she said decisively, and would have taken the crown off even, if she could have thought of a way to carry it otherwise.
As she continued on, the trail wound down and down, as if she still was headed down that cliff where she had started so long ago. Until she saw at the end the first true building she had seen since she had entered this realm. Tall and white, green hedge against its walls, and a bright chrome-coloured gate beckoned to her in the distance. She stopped at the gate though, eyes peering through the slats. Leaning her head against that gate, a small ringing noise was heard as the crown hit the metal of the door. The ringing bright and clear, causing the gate to swing open before her.
Hesitantly she stepped forward. As she did, she noticed a figure coming from the other end of the corridor. A figure that glided across the floor on long legs, in a graceful way that made even Ashley feel a bit clumsy. With a grand jete, the figure danced her way in front of Ashley, landing in a curtsy-like pose, before straightening up before her.
"Glad you could make it" exclaimed the Frog, eyes dancing and for some odd reason in her stance giving Ashley an impression of a rose, or perhaps the Rose. "You were almost late."
"Late?" replied Ashley, memories resurfacing of another adventure and of the power of being late, "Late for what?"
"Why, your dinner party!" replied the Frog with a grin. "Queen Alice's Dinner Party. That is the whole reason we're here. And the Red Queen and White Queen don't like to be kept waiting, so please, follow me."
And with that the Frog turned around and walked away at a more sedentary, but a still incredibly graceful, pace. Leaving Ashley to trail behind, looking around in wonder. Especially when they excited the corridor and entered the hall.
For some reason at that entrance to the hall thought her eyes skated across to the source of music in this hall, where a slim woman with sparkling eyes played a piano with grace and style. But even that intriguing Musician could not hold Ashley's attention for too long, for the room itself was filled with a great number of people. Including almost everyone she had met on her travels. Her eyes continued to follow up the room to the main table, where she saw the knights, and the Lion and Unicorn at peace again, and the Gentleman in White. Then the Kings. And finally, the Queens, Red and White, sitting separated by only one thing. An empty chair, there between them at the head of the table.
"Go on" whispered the Frog "you know which chair is yours." And so Ashley walked up the table in that silence filled only by the quiet notes of the Musician, head lowered so in shyness she barely saw all the wondrous creatures she passed. And so Ashley sat down at the head of the table between the Red and White Queens. She was rather uncomfortable at the fact no one said a word, and longed for someone to begin speaking. Finally the Red Queen began "Bring out the Broth!"
"Broth?" Ashley asked curiously.
"Yes dear" replied the White Queen "It's quite a delicacy. The Broth Chef makes it all herself, it's her specialty"
From the kitchen walked out a young woman, red curly hair tied back, who nodded to the three Queens. Then with a clap of her hands, three waiters wheeled trays out to follow her. Ashley watched as the woman walked over to the tureens on each tray, opening them, sniffing at the contained liquid, and even tasting a few. Rolling her eyes with pleasure.
The waiters watched her in amusement, two who stood together almost like they'd be chatting, although no words passed their lips even as you could swear communication was occurring between them. The tall one, lanky, rubbed at his very curly hair with a grin towards the much shorter one, straight hair a bit askew, who smiled back, their communication uninterrupted by the Chef as she walked by. The third waiter however gave her a brilliant smile from his blonde-haired and goateed face, looking a lot more comfortable as just a waiter, albeit a quite good looking one.
Then the Broth Chef walked over to the table, the waiters following after her. She looked at the confident looking woman, and the three waiters who hovered over her. "What would you like?" came the request of the chef, and Ashley couldn't help but being confused.
"What would you suggest?" she finally opted for, curiously peering at the tureens behind the chef. The chef looked her up and down and then nodded. "I think a compendium will be best." At that the chef turned around, gesturing to the waiters who brought the broth closer, and began scooping broth out of almost all the tureens, all but a few at the end. She gulped as the liquid was placed in front of her and a spoon placed into her hand by the Chef, barely noticing the Chef's encouraging wink or her movement to fill the other Queen's bowls with their usual favourites.
"No sausage tonight?" asked the Red Queen with a bit of a frown.
"No, sorry. The butcher is ... busy" the Chef replied with a little grin, before hurrying them all back into the kitchen. Leaving the quiet again, and Ashley sitting between the two Queens. As they dug in with a hurry, she gulped and picked up her spoon, before ladling some of the broth into her mouth.
And she gasped, taking another big gulp. The variations and different types of flavours in it were amazing. She began to eat it quicker, and heard a giggle. Looking up she saw the Chef peeking out at her with delight from the kitchen door. But with a wink she was gone, and Ashley continued to finish her broth with speed.
"So" spoke the White Queen with a smile, "should we drink to your health? You made it this far after all. You now may roam where you please."
Ashley smiled shyly at that. "It's a great honour, but there's truly no reason to make a fuss over me." were the only words that she could say.
"Nonsense!" exclaimed the Red Queen 'To Queen Alice's Health!" she yelled at the room, and glasses of all shapes and sizes were lifted by hands and paws and such of all shapes and sizes.
"She ought to make a speech" mumbled the Red King beside her, getting a jab in the ribs by the Red Queen, and for the first time Ashley was glad for that, for she surely did not want to make a speech. But it was too late. "A speech, what a fine idea" responded the White King, "as a new Queen, it would only be proper."
Ashley ground her teeth in annoyance, and lowered her eyes, but nothing worked. A rhythmic clinking sound of cutlery against glass began, enhanced by the beat played by the Musician. Dragging her to her feet, eyes looking down at the table. At reassuring glances all, as her heart beat in her chest strongly, not able to focus on anything very much.
"I'd like to thank you all" she began.
"No Ashley, thank you" came a voice, the source of which she couldn't see, still looking down, but like it would be if spoken over her shoulder. At that the entire table began yelling "Hear hear", and the noise grew louder, stamping and clinking all resolving itself into a continuous noise like a very loud ...
******
Purr. The Purr of a kitten snuggled as close to an ear as it could get, snuggled into warmth and happily not planning on moving. "Whoser, get off" muttered Ashley, looking at the cat in annoyance. Sitting up a bit from where she curled on the couch in front of her computer. "Did you wake me up from that place?" she asked Whoser a bit curiously. "Was it only a dream after all?"
The thought both relieved her and disappointed her. Relieved her for she wasn't sure if she could really take being queen, she was not that comfortable in the spotlight, and never kept it for her own on purpose. But disappointed, because yet again she had found a place of joy and fun and found it gone again in a heartbeat.
But a chime from her computer broke her out of her reverie. A chime with a small window popping up. "Hey L" was all it said "Come to chat?" And Ashley grinned. Because there were still places of joy in fun in this realm as well. As long as you knew where to look. And had friends to call you there, just like they had called her through the looking-glass.
**** THE END ****
Whosers here do stand by me
Lingering onward dreamily
In my mind's eye them I see.
Whosers here that nestle near
Eager eye and willing ear
I hope you're pleased my tale to hear.
Long be us friends, all you and I
Never to fade, mem'ries never die
To me your comfort always doth fly.
In dreams, you haunt me, phantomwise
Figures moving under skies
All Whosers round with watching eyes.
Friends you yet, my tale to hear
Eager eye and willing ear
I thank you all for staying near.
As through Whoserland my story went
Dreaming till my tale was spent
Dreaming of my message sent.
Seeing the respect which in this was meant.
So let my smile from me beam
Let me linger in this friendship's gleam
And no matter what, let me keep this dream.
Ashley AS ... Ashley/Alice of course!
Whoser AS ... Whoser the cat :)
Josie Lawrence AS the White Queen
Stephen Fry AS the White King
Caroline Quentin AS the Red Queen
Paul Merton AS the Red King
Any executive who tries to change the show AS the Jabberwocky (EXEC)
Any critic who criticizes it AS the Cri-tick
Karen Maruyama AS the Tiger-lily
Denny Siegal AS the Rose
Debra Wilson AS the Daisy
Catherine O'Hara AS the Violet
Natalie AS the Nightingale
Richard Vranch AS the Willow Tree
Sharilyn AS the Bee
Page Mae AS the Guard
Greg Proops AS the Gentleman in White
Donna AS the Beetle
Vanessa (US) AS the Goat
Vanessa (UK) AS the Horse
Julie AS the Gnat
Lindsey AS the Fawn
Clive Anderson AS TweedleClive
Drew Carey AS TweedleDrew
Serena AS Clive's Aide
Shari AS Drew's Aide
Mike McShane AS the Walrus
Tony Slattery AS the Carpenter
Micaelita AS the Sheep
Dan Patterson AS Humpty Dumpty
Joanne AS the Messenger
Ryan Stiles AS the Lion
Colin Mochrie AS the Unicorn
Niall Ashdown AS the Red Commentator
Rory Bremner AS the White Commentator
Laurel AS the Fight Aide (Lion's Aide)
Wayne Brady AS the Red Knight
Brad Sherwood AS the White Knight
Brooke AS the Brook (with an E)
Dana AS the Frog
Jim Sweeney, Steve Steen and Steve the Waiter AS the Waiters
Sam AS the Broth Chef
and your humble narrator, who AIMs, spins the tale and speaks the poems ... Jessie ;)
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