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"Top 10 (or so) Reasons Why Pocahontas is Better Than Ariel"
Written by: Eric T. Simon (tzd0vb@sun126.hqs.mid.gmeds.com)
Copyright: 1996 by Eric T. Simon. Originally posted 2/28/96.

Author's note: This list is intended as a comedic effort only.
  This is not a serious attack on Disney's most beautiful redhead,
  the woman who helped bring Disney feature animation to new heights. 
  If you are offended instead of amused, if you frown instead 
  of smile, then I am truly sorry.
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I'm posting this here 'cause I don't get r.a.d.a.


*** SPOILER WARNING.  DON'T READ THIS POST IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE ***
*** MOVIE POCAHONTAS YET.  IT WON'T MAKE SENSE.                    ***

In honor of the release of Pocahontas on video . . .


ahem.

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The Top Ten Reasons why Pocahontas is better than Ariel:
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10.  Poca's smarter than her dad.

 9.  When you ask Poca the simple question, "What's your name?"...she can
     answer.

 8.  Poca has enough sense to stay on TOP of the water.

 7.  Ariel's best friends are a crab, a seagull, and a fish.  Poca's best friend
     is a major babe named Nakoma.  Who would you rather go on a double-date
     with?

 6.  Ariel does her hair with a fork.  Poca's hair is professionally styled by
     her buddy Meeko.

 5.  Redheads sunburn easily.  Poca?  Not a chance!

 4.  Poca has men chasing after her, instead of the other way around.

 3.  Unlike certain mermaids who are always running late, you can always count
     on Poca to arrive "just" in the nick of time.

 2.  Only Disney heroine to dress in leather.  and... AND... AND!!!  A TATTOO!

 1.  She's so awesome, they named the movie after her.
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Oh, but wait kids... there's more!!!
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Still More Reasons Why Poca is Better
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11.  Poca gets all of Flit's frequent flyer miles.

12.  She's trilingual (Algonquin, English, and Willow)

13.  She can visit alternate planes of reality using only the power of her voice
     (no mind-altering substances required).

14.  Getting hungry?  She's always got maize around as a handy snack.

15.  She's a better kisser.

16.  Best nickname:  "Pookie"

17.  She's not obsessed with material things.  In other words, a cheap date.

18.  Poca was the first (Native) American Olympic gymnast.  She gets a gold
     medal in the uneven bars, floor exercise, cliff-diving, AND kayaking.

19.  Little known rule from chess/poker/checkers:  red chief beats white king.

20.  Two words:  nice lungs

21.  Everything that Meeko steals?  Poca gets ten percent!

22.  Poca knows CPR (well, hummingbird CPR anyway).

23.  Ariel has crabs in her bed (well, at least one crab).

24.  In a pinch, Poca's best friend Meeko can do double duty as fashionable
     headgear.

25.  She can read a compass, run like a cheetah, and sing like a siren...all at
     the same time.

26.  She knows lots of great places in the woods to make out.

27.  She's got this really jammin' canoe...it goes zero to sixty in 5.3 paddles
     and it's got this sport suspension that really handles those waterfalls.

28.  Poca's really good at hide-and-seek.

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;-)

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