Hot Chick: Radha Mitchell

Hot Chick Factor: 7

Synopsis -- A former Marine and expert assassin finds solace and the will to live again through the friendship of a young girl whom he is hired to protect. Despite his best efforts to prevent it, however, she is kidnapped and killed. He decides to react revengefully and violence ensues.

Short declaratory phrase in an attempt to get quoted in TV trailer, ad, or cover box --

"At first I thought this movie was going to be about either some gay guy or maybe an unfortunate fireman, but it turns out it's about how fiercely Denzel kicks some ass!"

Nate's review:

Well kids, I got to see this movie for free before it came out again, but not in the usual way. I had grown somewhat weary of the usual trappings of winning radio contests by simply being the tenth caller, or answering some ridiculous trivia question, or reciting the titles and artists of the last eight songs that they just played. I was examining my plight whilst sitting in a local tavern when my eye caught none other than the somewhat fetching (after a few G&Ts, anyway) Gretchen from the KSLY morning show, "Larry, Gretchen, and Mr. Silly." I proceeded to chat her up and seduce her for the sole purpose of getting some free passes. We talked, we laughed, we compared notes on Shakespeare, Moliere, and Conan O'Brien. A couple of hours and the better part of a twack of Rock later, I had my tickets and she had fulfillment and satiety in its most primitive form.
When I got to the movie, I was fortunate to have a chance encounter with my beautiful fake wife, Hayley. When I say fake wife, I mean she and I go out to bars and tell everyone that we're married for the singular intention of meeting and seducing swinger couples. It adds an element of variety to making someone's acquaintance when the normal way of meeting and seducing girls in bars (rohypnol) becomes tiresome and droll. I figure I'm not the one committing adultery, so what the hell. And let me tell you what fellas, there are some hot swingin' married chicks out there! Hayley entertains the husband, I have a go with the wife, everybody has a good time. At any rate, we had a good strategy meeting about the lobby after the show. Then the "talent" from the radio station, the aforementioned KSLY morning crew of Larry, Gretchen, and Mr. Silly took center stage, sans Gretchen. Perhaps she was embarrassed about our fling, but usually they don't remember the next day... Or maybe she was just worn out. At any rate, that Mr. Silly was really starting to get on my nerves. Plug your show and get the hell off, fucker! This jackass was making people show him Ids so he could tell if they were lying about their birthdays to get prizes. Even the silliest of us should still have some tact.
Some of the Bastards have been making comments about how we are becoming too easy to please in our reviews. I can't say I don't agree to some extent; after all the original intent behind this Website was to be irreverent shitasses about the few movies we liked, and irreverent dickheads about the movies that were beneath us (hence the "Bastards" title). To that end, I (finally) present my review of this movie. There are two elements of this film that I liked, those being the performances by the five principals, and the writing by Brian Helgeland. Denzel is a force, Dakota is actually somewhat believable as a half-hispanic girl due to her decent Spanish accent (nevermind the blond hair), and of course, Walken kicks his customary ass. He gets off some quintessential Walken-esque deliveries, and I ate it up. The writing works despite the fact that the third act of the movie is unbelievably different in tone from the first two. The character develoment is adequatley deep that I understand the plot change-up when Denzel goes on his rampage. But what the hell is up with the direction and the editing? Tony Scott wears me out with all the jump-cutting and quick zooms all the damn time. What the fuck is that for? I can understand using it as a pacing device, but it's just superfluous and in my mind amounts to an ill-advised stylistic choice with no reason behind it other than to wear out the audience. Shit, if we wanted to see that we could sit at home and watch MTV all day instead of paying to see something that could have been considered art until the editing fucked it all up. I never felt like the actors had enough time to "get going." And all the long lenses??? The focus is used way too frequenly as a device to draw your attention to only one thing in the frame since everything else is so mother fucking blurry, ruining an otherwise nicely shot movie (it has kind of a dark, grainy, digital-video look that works well and brings out cool shades of green). And the music is overpowering at times. It is your average Tony Scott movie nowdays. It's like he is telling you exactly what to look at and what to feel the whole son of a bitching time. Fuck that shit, the art is in the subtle manipulation of emotion. This film takes melodrama to a whole new level, which might be a step forward in some people's minds, but for me, I want none of it. If you are looking for a good revenge movie with some ass-kickin', go see an artist at work at Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol. 2. If you want to become the cinematic equivalent of some poor asshole living under communism, by all means, waste your money on this piece of fuck.
Rating: 2 out of 10 times Denzel gets shot

Tim's review:

I saw it... Actually I haven't seen it or a preview for it, but the title reminds me of the queer on Red Dragon who gets lit on fire and pushed downhill in a wheelchair so it must be funny...
Rating: 9 out of 10 burning queerchairs

Jason's review:

I loved this movie. I loved the camera jumping around, the loud music and Mexicans. The thing everyone needs to know about this movie is that the preview only tells you half the strory. Yes, Denzel takes care of a little girl and she gets kidnapped. But you know what they don't tell you about? The rampage of ass kicking that Denzel goes on. I thought this movie kicked all kinds of ass. It's a little bit long, but oh well, more ass kicking. It's almost like one long music video. I loved it, it's something different, go see it.
Rating: 5 out of 5 times Denzel cuts a Mexican's finger off and burns with a cigarette lighter-- that's right bitches, I said cigarette lighter.

Ryan's review:

Ryan has yet to review this film.

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