Mystery Science Theater 3000 - MStied in the city

(We see the SOL. Mike and the bots are relaxing in front of a kiddie pool and a couple of palm trees.)
Tom: This is nice.
Crow: Yeah but too bad its not a real beach.
Mike: Crow, you and Tom would rust in a real ocean.
Tom: Yeah but itd be worth it.
Mike: The mads are calling.
(No one moves.)
Mike: Crow youre closest to the button.
Crow: Oh! (Hits it) hello.

(We see Deep Thirteen.)
Dr F: Having fun? Well now its over. Here and now I will show you the last episode of Caroline in the city I have on tape. Caroline and the wedding.
Mike: Well Dr F we're really sorry about that.
Tom chuckles.
Crow: Really we're sooooo depressed.

Dr F: This is the last episode of season one and one of the many episodes that highlight the Richard-Caroline relationship for the rest of the series. It was on 12 years and they never got together. Pity really.

Crow: What does he mean Caroline-Richard relationship?
Mike: I guess we'll find out. Ohhh we got sitcom sign!
Tom: Whoo hoo!

(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.)
[Scene 1: The Church. Caroline is about to walk down the aisle. Annie is there attending to her.]

Tom: (Sings) We're going to the chapel and we're gonna get married.

ANNIE: You look so beautiful.

Crow: Thank you!

CAROLINE: I think I'm gonna throw up.

Mike: (as Annie) Not on me, this is Donna Karan!

ANNIE: In that case, [lifts up Caroline's veil] let's get rid of this.

Mike: Ewww, she looked better with it on.

CAROLINE: I'm so nervous. I cannot believe that Liz Taylor went through this eight times.
ANNIE: She had to get through this to get to the cake. [laugh] It's alright honey, I'm here for you. If you want me to push you down the aisle, I'll do it, if you want to back out of this, I'll toss a rock through that window and we're out on the street in ten seconds.

Crow: I'll kill someone, who do you want dead?

CAROLINE: It's alright, I'm fine.
ANNIE: [music plays] That's my cue. See you out there, Mrs. Cassidy.

Tom: Ewww, does that mean shes gonna be related to Keith Cassidy?
Crow: Ewww.
Tom: I hope not.

CAROLINE: [Annie trys to kiss her cheek] Lipstick, lipstick... [exit Annie] [Caroline studies herself in the mirror][enter Richard] Richard?

Mike: How did she know?

RICHARD: Excuse me, Caroline, are you busy? I just wanted to give you a little wedding gift. [hands her an envelope]

Crow: Now how appropriate is it giving the bride the catering bill?

CAROLINE: Really?
RICHARD: Yeah. Go head, open it.

Mike: (As CAroline) This says I may already be may be a winner!
Tom: RIiippppppp!

CAROLINE: Okay. [she opens it] A check.
RICHARD: Yeah, but don't cash it until Friday, you haven't paid me yet.
CAROLINE: Thank you, Richard.
RICHARD: Yeah. Sure. Caroline, there's one more thing. [he kisses her][Caroline wakes up from her dream shaken]

All: Whoa! Tom: Talk about unexpected. Totally out of nowhere! A big surprise! Crow: we get it!

[Scene 2: Caroline's apartment. Angie and Annie are tailoring Caroline's wedding dress.]

Mike: The stereotypical italian mother pays a visit.

CAROLINE: There's an Irish tradition, stick a six pence in your shoe and it will bring good luck to you.

Tom: (As irish person) That and kissing the blarney stone brings you a lot of lucky charms.

ANGIE: Well, this is an Italian tradition.

Crow: So she gets pizza and garlic bread thrown at her?
ANNIE: Yeah, it's put a penny in her dress, hope her life doesn't end up a freakin' mess.

Mikes:(sings) Whos the bitterist gal around?
Crow and Tom: (sings) Annie!
Mike: (sings) Whos guarenteed to bring you down?
Crow and Tom: (sings) Annie!

ANGIE: Annie, watch that mouth. You know, your cousin Theresa didn't believe in the invisible forces of the universe and look what happened to her on her wedding day.
CAROLINE: What happened to her?

Tom: She got married.

ANNIE: It's no big deal. She was attacked by a swarm of bees and her face kind of swelled up.
ANGIE: Like a balloon fish. And you know why? Because she put her gloves on inside the house.

Mike: Huh?
ANNIE: No, it was because she wore orange blossoms in her hair and there was a hive in the rafters of the church.

Crow: What were borgs doing up there?

ANGIE: And why do you think there was a beehive in the church?
ANGIE:/ANNIE: Because she put her gloves on inside the house.

Tom: Wonderful family unity.

CAROLINE: Look, you guys, I don't want to hear anymore about this. It will just give me another nightmare tonight.
ANGIE: Are you having nightmares?

Crow: She just said so!

CAROLINE: No. It was just a dream that scared the hell out of me.
ANNIE: What did you dream?
CAROLINE: Nothing.
ANNIE: Come on, the next time you have a margarita you're gonna end up telling me, so you might as well tell me now.

Crow: Now hold on, she may say a more interesting version of it when shes drunk.
CAROLINE: Alright, I was getting married and I was wearing this dress. And that bra, you know the one that cuts me right here.

Mike: Glad I'm a guy.

ANGIE: See, she wears a bra--even in her dream.

Tom: (as Annie) Mom!

CAROLINE: Anyway, you were there and I was about to walk down the aisle and Richard came in and he gave me a check and he kissed me.
ANNIE: Richard?

Mike: Little?

ANGIE: Check? Oh, no, it's an omen. You dream of another man the night before the wedding? Atu! Atu! Holochio!

Crow: Pardon you.

CAROLINE: Angie, it wasn't the night before the wedding. It was the night before the day before the day before the wedding.

Tom: So there!
ANGIE: Look at that. She's already speaking in tongues.
ANNIE: If you dreamt about kissing Richard the only thing it means is that you had bad clams last night.

Mike: (as Caroline) Well I did feel clammy and sick afterward.

CAROLINE: Yeah, maybe.
ANGIE: If you really want to know what it means....
ANNIE: Mom, would you please take the sewing kit into the other room.

Tom: AKA - shut up mom!

ANGIE: You don't want to know what it means? Fine, fine, I'm not going to tell you. [sings] She loves him.

Mike: She loves him NOT!

CAROLINE: Angie, we just work together. Nobody's in love with anybody. [enter Richard]

Crow: So no ones getting married?
Tom: Episodes over. Lets go.

RICHARD: Well, well, well, if it isn't Miss Haveashum. Tell me, do you sleep in that thing?

Mike:(as Caroline) Don't look at me like that, you sleep in your bad attitude!

CAROLINE: Yes, and I plan to get married in my flannel footies. [Caroline suppresses Annie who is trying to tell Richard what Caroline dreamed about the night before]

Tom: Yeah Caroline! The less that know the better.

ANNIE: Richard, you met my mother.

Mike: She has a mother? I thought she crawled out of a pod.
RICHARD: Yes, of course, charmed. Rosemary's mother. Here are the thank you cards you ordered, although why they were such an emergency, I don't know. [hands Caroline a box]

Crow: Heres your liver.

CAROLINE: Well, you know, I hate to wait 'til the last minute. I want to address all of these today.
ANNIE: All of these. Wait a sec, what if somebody doesn't give you a gift.

Mike: (as Annie) Can I got beat them senseless?

CAROLINE: I'll send them a thank you note anyway and make them feel guilty.
ANGIE: Ah, you could have made such a good Italian.

Tom: Prego prego!
Crow: Ragu!
Mike: Paul Newman!

RICHARD: Bye the way, the printer said you could just mail him the check.
CAROLINE: Okay, Richard.
ANGIE: The man from her dream comes in with a check. Her dream is coming true. It's an omen.

Crow: Shes marrying Damian?
Tom: No, Del.

ANNIE: He didn't have a check., [they begin to squabble][phone rings]
RICHARD: Hey, hey. [picks up the phone] Yente center, may I help you? Yeah, yeah, hold on a second. Fruma Duffy, it's for you. It's the bridegroom.
CAROLINE: Hi, Del. Yeah, okay. What's the priest doing in Los Angeles? He sold a screenplay?[camera flashes over to the desk where Richard is seated]

Tom: That scenes not working out, lets go over here.

ANGIE: Benedicto and nominy patre, benedicto and nominy patre! Atu! Atu![throws a glass of water into his face][Annie gets him a tissue]

Crow: What did he do to deserve that?

RICHARD: Feeling a little tense?
CAROLINE: [on phone] I'll meet you at the chapel then. [to everyone] We lost Father McCarthy.

Mike:Look in the hamper, thats where I found my playboy once.

ANGIE: You lose the priest the day before the day before the wedding? It's an omen.

Crow: No its not! Its sitcom law for stuff to go haywire.

CAROLINE: It's not an omen. We got a new priest. A Father [pauses] Daemeon.

Mike: I called it!

[Scene 3: Del's Office. Del is on the phone with his ex-wife Jill.]
DEL: Yeah, Jill, it's Del. Listen, I'm trying to write the vows for my wedding and you know at our wedding you wrote that poem about the tree and eternity and stuff? Yeah. Can I buy that from you? Hello? [enter Charlie]

Crow: He's already giving her alimoney, he should get something back.

CHARLIE: Here you go, sign this.
DEL: Hey, Charlie, do you have any aspirin?

Tom: (as Del) Cause as I look at you I suddenly dont feel good.

CHARLIE: [pulling 3 bottles from his coat] Yeah. What would you prefer? Bufferin? Ibuprofen? Or perhaps a mild diarrhetic?
DEL: Plain aspirin.
CHARLIE: [hand him the bottle] You got it.

Crow: He got it babe.

DEL: Hey, Charlie, Charlie, aren't you forgetting something?
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. [bows to Del][exits]

All: (make wa-wa-wa sound)

DEL: Charlie, Charlie wait! Charlie! [looks outside his office for Charlie while Charlie comes in from the other entrance.] Didn't I send you to Tiffany's this morning to pick up the wedding bands?

Tom: (as Charlie) I did but Pantera and Molly Hatchet are busy that day.

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [pulls out the ring] Okay, here's your ring and here's Caroline's. Man, for a little chick she's got fat fingers.
DEL: Charlie, where's the box?
CHARLIE: You want it back? I was keeping my olive pits in it.

Crow: EWwwww.

DEL: Forget it.
CHARLIE: Here, try the ring on.
DEL: Oh my God! Oh my God. I'm getting lightheaded I've got to take it off. It's the ring.
CHARLIE: I was wearing it for an hour and I didn't even catch a buzz.

Tom: Woohoo LSD rings.

DEL: No, Charlie, it's an anxiety attack. I'm hyperventilating. I need a bag. Go see if you can get me bag to breathe into.
CHARLIE:[pulling out 2 bags] Paper or plastic?

[Scene 4: Remo::'s.]
REMO: Bonjourna, Ricardo. Remember, before Carolina's wedding we're having hors d'oeuvres here at two, because as you know they hired someone else to cater their wedding. Enough said, I don't want to beat a dead horse, which is probably what he's serving.

Crow: He's not bitter.
Tom: Oh no.

RICHARD: You know, I don't even know if I'm going to make it to the reception. You know, you drink too much, someone hits you in the face with a garter, and then some fat woman asks you to take her home. I can do that in Times Square any night of the week.

Mike: Why did he need to tell us that?

REMO: Now, Richardo, you have to be there. This wedding without you would be like...

Tom: A plot without a point.

JOHN: A funeral without a corpse.

Tom: Sonny without Cher....The Partridge Family without Danny Bonaduce... Crow: We get it Tom!
REMO: Now me, I wouldn't miss a wedding.
JOHN: Except your brother's.
REMO: Hey, that was a special circumstance.

Mike: (as Remo) I had to-a do-a my-a hair.

JOHN: Tell the story.

Tom: Of the lovely lady?

REMO: Okay, I tell the story. [Remo and Johnny sit down.] [to Johnny] What are you doing?
JOHN: You sit, I sit.
REMO: Alright, the woman my brother was going to marry, I was madly in love with her. But I couldn't tell her, because when I was around her she was so beautiful I was speechless.

Crow: Him?
Mike: I find that hard to believe.

RICHARD: [mock shock] You?
JOHN: Strange, but true.

Tom: Truth is stranger than fiction.

REMO: Anyway, the night before the wedding I wrote her a letter and asked her to run away with me.

Crow: But she actually wanted to run away from him.

RICHARD: That's ridiculous. I mean what if she'd said no. You never would have been able to face her again.
REMO: It didn't matter, I could not have been more miserable than I already was.

Crow: Could you tell the differance?

JOHN: Plus, she didn't say no.
RICHARD: The letter actually worked?
REMO: That night we sailed to New York.

Tom: We booked a passage on the Titanic.

RICHARD: Wow. You took a boat all the way from Italy?
REMO: It was the Staten Island ferry.
RICHARD: Remo, wait, wait. What about your brother?

Crow: He married some Taylor girl named Liz.

REMO: Have you met my wife? My brother thanks me every day.

Mike: Like in thank god you married that cow before I did.
Tom: This is our cue to leave.

(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area.Everyone is there, including Gypsy, and they are all decked out in wedding gear. Gypsy is wearing a nice off the shoulder frock.)
Tom: This is so fun. I LOOOOOOOVE weddings!
Crow: Me too. The statement of love it makes really touches my heart.
Tom: Hey Mike, maybe you can do this someday.
Crow:But hes gotta meet a girl first.
Tom: Oh! Right.
Mike: Yeah you know....hey!
Gypsy: So who is getting married today?
Mike: What was that Gyps?
Gypsy: Well we are here for a wedding right?
Crow: True.
Tom: Yeah. Shes right? We'rea ll dressed up here for a wedding, cake and all and NO ONE is getting hitched?
Gypsy: Right.
Tom: Whoo hoo! At least there will be no divorce. I got dibbs on the cake!
Mike: No time now! We got sitcom sign!
Tom: WAhhhhhh! I want my cake!
Crow: I'll save you a piece Tom. Not!
Go on to the second part of Caroline and the Wedding