Mommy's
Pregnancy Journal
The
following are entries from my pregnancy journal as they are
written to Peyton. This was a very normal and uncomplicated
pregnancy so it may seem boring to you....but boring is good! We,
however, thought it was quite exciting.
April 22 (4 weeks, 4
day)
After work today, I bought
a pregnancy test. I was only one day late, but I just 'had a
feeling.’ I could hardly believe my eyes when that little
pink line actually appeared! I was in complete shock! Good thing
Mommy had already been taking prenatal vitamins. Daddy was on his
way home from a business trip in Minneapolis, so I wouldn’t
be able to tell him for at least four more hours. I had to tell
someone this amazing news, so I called up Grandma Pam and told
her! She could hardly believe it herself! I couldn’t wait for
Daddy to get home. I was trying to think of a good way to break
the news to him. I knew he wouldn’t believe it either! I
decided that I was going to write it in a sweet little card (he
would think it was an ‘I Missed You’ card). I planned to
write, "Don’t you think the second bedroom in our new place
will make a great nursery….in December?!" and see if he would
get the message. Well, daddy got home earlier than planned, so I
wasn’t able to write the card. Just like I thought, he
didn’t believe me when I told him and kept saying "no way" as
he hugged me. We just stared at each other in disbelief the rest
of the evening. It didn’t seem real.
April 23 (4 weeks, 5
days)
We bought two more
pregnancy tests today because our minds wouldn’t let us
believe that this was really true. I took one test tonight and it
was also positive…right away! Wow! This may be real, after
all!
April 24
Still in disbelief, we
took a third pregnancy test. Sure enough…this one turned
pink….and even faster than the last two had. We are starting
to think that this really is happening. We are so excited! Mommy
figured out that your birthday would be sometime around
Christmas.
May 7 (6 weeks, 5
days)
Today I had my first visit
to the doctor’s office. My new OB/GYN is Dr. Placek. I
won’t meet her for a couple more weeks though. Today’s
visit was a nurse’s interview which consisted of education
about prenatal care and what to expect at doctor’s visits.
The nurse figured out that your due date would be December 26,
1998. That seems so far away! I asked the nurse to give me another
pregnancy test just to be sure. You guessed it, pregnancy test #4
was just as positive as the last three! I am starting to feel a
little more tired than usual; especially after work….but no
morning sickness.
May 14
The final episode of
Seinfeld showed today. Our friends Sherry and Jay came over to
watch it with us, and we ordered pizza. Mommy missed part of the
show because the pizza made me feel icky, and I had to spend most
of the time in the bathroom.
May 22 (9 weeks)
Today was my first
doctor’s appointment. We are 9 weeks pregnant. Daddy came to
this first appointment with me. We met Dr. Placek, and she is a
very nice woman. She told us that she is a perfectionist, and I
told her that I am glad. Upon examination, she told me that my
uterus feels slightly small for your gestational age, so she is
ordering an ultrasound. I am a little concerned but am very
excited that I get to see you! I am starting to feel queasy at
times….especially when I am in the car. I have thrown up a
couple of times.
June 1 (10 weeks, 2
days)
We had our first
ultrasound today. It was absolutely amazing! Right now your head
is bigger than your body, and your arms and legs are so short!
Daddy and I watched in amazement as you bounced around in
Mommy’s tummy. You looked like a little astronaut on the
moon! I can hardly wait until I feel you moving around inside me.
You truly are a little miracle. Your gestational age is 10 weeks,
2 days, and you are measuring 9 weeks, 5 days. The ultrasound tech
said that your size is just fine. Now that I have seen you, I
finally feel confident enough to start spreading the
news!
June 2
Mommy had a dream that you
are a girl!
June 4
Mommy and Daddy bought a
new car! It is a 1998 Honda Accord, and it will be a very safe car
for you to ride in. I am feeling very tired lately and have very
little energy. I still don’t have any morning sickness. I ate
lots of cucumbers today. Yummy!
June 22 (13 weeks, 2
days)
We had our second
doctor’s appointment today. Daddy and I heard your little
heart beating for the first time! It was music to our
ears….you are alive in there! Your heart rate was 156
bpm….Dr. Placek said that is "perfect." I have gained 2½
pounds and weigh 118½ pounds. She also said that the size of
my uterus was "perfect," and that my weight gain was "perfect."
What a great visit.
June 26 (13 weeks, 6
days)
Mommy threw up for the
fourth time since you have been in my tummy. I sure hope that is
about over. I am not able to take my prenatal vitamins now because
they make me feel sick, so I continue to take Women’s
One-A-Day. Otherwise, I am feeling a little better….I am
getting more energy every day. In fact, I started water aerobics
today. I love it! It will be a great pregnancy workout. I can
hardly fit into any of my shorts now. I can definitely tell that
my tummy is poking out a bit.…but nobody else can.
July 10 (15 weeks, 6
days)
I felt you kick for the
first time today! I had just finished eating lunch (a grilled
cheese sandwich, grapes and cottage cheese) and laid down on the
couch for a nap. I began to feel different sensations on the right
side of my tummy. So I placed my hand down there and pressed
firmly. That’s when you kicked me…*three* times! It was
the greatest feeling I could ever imagine. I can’t wait for
you to kick me again so that Daddy can feel you, too!
July 15
Grandma Pam came to stay
with us for four days. We shopped for baby stuff and talked about
you a lot. Everyone is so excited that you are on the way. Grandma
thinks you are a girl, and so does Daddy. I have no strong feeling
about your gender even though you are a girl in my dreams. All I
know is that I love having you in my tummy. I no longer feel sick
and my energy level is almost back to normal. I am finally able to
take my prenatal vitamins again without getting sick to my
stomach.
July 17 (16 weeks, 6
days)
Today Mommy had blood
drawn for the alpha fetoprotein (AFP) and triple screen tests.
Mommy and Daddy had initially decided not to have these tests
completed, but after much thought and discussion we decided to get
them done. The results of these tests will not change the way we
deal with the pregnancy or how much we love you.
July 20 (17 weeks, 2
days)
We had our third
doctor’s appointment today. The nurse had a hard time finding
your heartbeat because you kept moving around. When she finally
found it, it came in loud and clear at 145 bpm. It was so fun and
reassuring to hear that precious sound. I have gained a total of
4½ pounds and weigh 120½ pounds. Dr. Placek said that
everything looks good. She said, "You are getting a little pouch,
aren’t you?" Now we are awaiting the results of the blood
work. I am feeling good.
July 23
We got the results of the
blood work back today, and everything looks normal. The
statistical odds of you having Spina Bifida is 1 in 4,000
and—Down’s Syndrome is 1 in 2,344. It feels good to have
that over with. Daddy is on a business trip in Oklahoma and Texas
until July 25. I told him the reassuring news over the phone.
Today, I had a really hard time finding some pants to wear to work
that fit! I ended up wearing a pair of *unbuttoned* khaki pants
today. I think it is time for Mommy to go shopping!
July 28 (18 weeks, 3
days)
My waist now measures
33½"…my tummy has grown 5 inches. Wow! You must be
getting big. Every night before we go to bed, Daddy and I read
The Pregnancy Journal to learn about your development. I
love knowing how big you are getting and what part of your little
body is developing.
August 3 (19 weeks, 2
days)
Daddy felt you kick for
the fist time today…not one, but 3 big kicks! You must have
been showing off you strong muscles! Daddy was truly amazed and
can't wait to feel you again.
August 4
Mommy is feeling really
good lately. My energy level has been high and my appetite has
been good. Some of your favorite foods are tomatoes, malt-o-meal
cereal, cucumbers, vegetable beef soup, and milk. You moved around
inside my tummy a lot today!
August 7 (20
weeks)
We are halfway there,
baby! I can hardly wait to meet you! Mommy bought her first
maternity clothes today. I bought some of those shorts with the
stretchy stuff in front, and boy are they comfy! Today also
started the first day of a nine-day vacation for us. While we were
camping, it got very cold at night, and I usually had to get up to
go potty at least once during the night…and the bathrooms
were very far away. Daddy walked me down there every time. You
must have loved to sit around the campfire, because that is when
you always kicked the most (I didn’t feel you kick very much
between August 4th and August 9th). Although I really wanted to do
lots of hiking and rafting, I wasn’t going to take any
chances while you—my precious baby—are in my tummy. We
spent the last two days of our vacation in Breckenridge. Daddy and
I took a long bike ride and rode a ski lift up to the top of a
mountain.
August 17 (21 weeks, 2
days)
We had another doctor
appointment today. Your heart rate was 146 bpm. Again, the nurse
had difficulty finding it--you must really be moving around a lot
in there! I have gained 9 pounds so far and weigh 125 pounds. I am
feeling great! You were very active tonight. In fact, Daddy and I
were able to feel and see you kicking in my tummy for the
first time—what a neat sight! I could watch you do that all
night long!
August 21 (21 weeks, 6
days)
Mommy’s waist is now
35 inches around. That means I have gained 6½ inches of
girth. We are both growing so fast! Daddy seems to be the only one
in our family who *isn't* growing!
August
29
Today we toured the St.
Elizabeth Hospital Labor/Delivery unit to see where we want you to
be born. It was a very nice place. We had also toured Bryan
Hospital last week, and it was very nice there, too. We decided to
go with St. E’s only because it has a NICU in case you would
need special care.
September 1 (24 weeks,
3 days)
Mommy and Daddy attended
our first Infant Care class today. Of all the babies there, your
due date is the very latest. We learned how to swaddle you
tonight. Daddy is very good at swaddling.
September
7
We went to the drive-in
theater with Grandma and Grandpa to see "Saving Private Ryan." You
were kicking very hard almost the whole time….it was so fun
to feel you. You especially liked kicking Grandma when she pushed
on my tummy. You made us laugh and laugh. Daddy and Grandpa
wondered why we were laughing during such a sad movie.
September
8
We had our second Infant
Care class tonight. We learned how to bathe you and take your
temperature. Daddy’s not so sure about having to take your
temperature in your bottom….he’ll learn.
September 11
Tonight, Mommy and Daddy
went out to eat at the Mazatlan restaurant with some friends. When
we were leaving, Mommy tried to get a piggy back ride from Daddy,
but my tummy was way too big for that! I tried to gently hop on,
but I bounced right off. That means that you are growing so
much!
September 14 (25 weeks,
2 days)
We had a doctor’s
appointment today. Your heart rate was 139 bpm. Mommy has gained 8
pounds in the last four weeks! You must be having a growth spurt!
I have gained a total of 18 pounds and now weigh 134 pounds. My
fundal height measured 25cm…."perfect," according to Dr.
Placek. I had the one-hour glucose test taken, and my glucose
level was 121. My hemoglobin level was 10.9, which is a little
low, so I will be taking daily iron supplements. We told Dr.
Placek that we plan to have you at St. E’s hospital, but she
told us that she only delivers at the other two hospitals in town.
So we will have you at Bryan Hospital, after all. It is a very
nice place, too. Overall, it was a good visit, and I am feeling
really well. Within the last week or so, I had been having some
pretty significant "growing pains" in my lower pelvic
region….but it has gone away now.
September
15
We had our third and final
Infant Care class tonight. We learned about infant safety
including CPR. These classes have certainly helped us be more
prepared for when you arrive. I think we are all ready to care for
you!
September 20 (26
weeks)
For the first time, Mommy
was able to feel your kicks above my belly button today. My
tummy (and you) seems to be growing so fast lately! I feel most of
your movement on the right side of my tummy. When I have dreams
about you at night, you are a girl!
October 1 (27 weeks, 5
days)
Mommy had what may have
been sciatica today. Pain radiated down my left leg, and I had
sharp, quick pains in my back on my right side….usually only
when you are moving around, though.
October
4
I find other people’s
comments about my size very interesting. Some people say "you are
so big!" while others say "I can barely tell you’re
pregnant!" Mommy is really enjoying being pregnant. My appetite is
good, but my energy level is starting to slow down. You are so
active in my tummy…especially in the evening. I feel you all
over my tummy! My waist is now 38 inches around. I have almost
gained one foot of girth!
October 5 (28 weeks, 2
days)
Daddy came with me to
today’s doctor appointment. I am now going to the doctor
every 3 weeks….that means we’re getting closer! Your
heart rate was 140 bpm, and Dr. Placek said that you are in the
head-down position. I have gained 3 pounds in the last 3 weeks. I
have gained a total of 22 pounds and weigh 138 pounds. My fundal
height measured 28cm. My hemoglobin level was up to 12.4, which is
good. I will continue to take my iron supplements. Everything
looks good.
October
16
Mommy and Daddy went to a
hockey game tonight. It was sooo loud, and I felt bad that I had
gone to that noisy place with you in my tummy. Also, the small,
cramped seats weren’t very comfortable with my big tummy. I
won’t make you go to another hockey game again!
October 17 (30
weeks)
Grandma and Grandpa came
to visit us for the weekend. Grandpa and Daddy put the crib
together while Grandma and Mommy decorated your room. Daddy and
Grandpa should have put the crib together after they moved
it into you room because it didn’t fit through the door! So
they got to put your crib together *twice.*
October 23
Today Mommy and Daddy made
a visit to the Doctors of Children Pediatric Practice to meet with
the staff and get our questions answered from your potential
caretakers. We spent most of the time talking with Kathy, the
nurse practitioner….she is a very nice lady. We really liked
it there and felt very comfortable and welcomed.
October 26 (31 weeks, 2
days)
We had a doctor’s
appointment today. Your heart rate was 130 bpm, and Dr. Placek
said that you are still in the head-down position and facing my
right side. I have gained 1½ pounds in the last 3 weeks. I
have gained 25½ pounds so far, and weigh 139½ pounds. My
fundal height measured 30.5 cm. I continue to love being pregnant
and feeling all of your movements inside me! Your muscles must be
getting very strong! In the last week, I have felt your hiccups!
It is the neatest feeling…those little rhythmic bumps. Right
now, you get the hiccups about once every two days. I am glad you
are getting some practice swallowing! I love to sing to you,
especially when I am driving in the car.
November 3 (32 weeks, 3
days)
Mommy and Daddy started
Lamaze class tonight, which makes labor seem so close! Julie is
our instructor….she is very funny and knowledgeable. You have
completely changed position so that you are now facing my left
side. You are still upside-down, and Mommy hopes you stay that
way. I have not felt any of your little kicks on my left side for
a long time, since you have been facing my right side for so long.
Your kicks continue to be very strong—if not stronger.
Sometimes it feels like you are all stretched out in there because
you keep one foot pressed against Mommy’s tummy. I love to
feel and rub that little foot, and I think you like that, too. I
am pretty sure that I can feel the difference between your knees
and your bottom. I love feeling and seeing you move around inside
me! Daddy gives me a foot massage nearly every night because my
feet are very tired by the end of each day. He also does the
laundry and cooks supper. You are so lucky to have such a
wonderful daddy! Mommy has decided that December 16th would be a
good day for you to be born.
November
5
Mommy and Daddy went our
first breast feeding class tonight. I am starting to feel some
Braxton-Hicks contractions lately. Mommy’s body is getting
ready for the big day. I hope you are, too! I have no stretch
marks yet. Maybe that cocoa butter lotion really does help. I do
have a definite linea nigra that extends above my belly button,
however. I have no heartburn or swelling, so far. I have not had
any leg cramps for a couple of weeks and have actually been
sleeping better lately—getting up two to three times per
night to go potty and drink orange juice. Daddy thinks I drinks a
lot of orange juice!
November 10 (33 weeks,
3 days)
We had a doctor’s
appointment today. I am now seeing the doctor every two weeks!
Your heart rate was 130 today. Mommy has gained 3½ pounds in
the last 2 weeks. I have gained a total of 27 pounds, and now
weigh 143 pounds! My blood pressure continues to be good, as it
has ever since you have been in my tummy. My hemoglobin level was
12.4 today, so I can stop taking iron supplements now. My fundal
height measured 35 cm today! Because of the 2 cm discrepancy
between your gestational age and the size of my tummy, we get an
ultrasound! That is very exciting for Mommy and Daddy….now we
get to see you! Of course we hope that my big size doesn't
indicate a problem.
November 16 (34 weeks,
2 days)
Today was your wonderful
ultrasound! Mommy has been so excited for this day to get here.
Everything looks perfect. There is no reason to be concerned about
my size. You are a BOY! We are so thrilled! Mommy and Daddy had
originally planned to not find out your gender until you are born,
but we couldn’t resist once the ultrasound tech told us that
she could tell whether you were a boy or a girl. Knowing this
wonderful news has rejuvenated me just as I was beginning to feel
those icky pregnancy blahs. Mommy brought in a list of things that
I wanted to see on your little body. I wanted to see if your brain
is the right size, that your spinal cord is closed, that your
heart has four chambers, that all of your internal organs are
present and functioning, and that you look healthy overall. I also
wanted to see that your cord and placenta are functioning
correctly and that there is the right amount of amniotic fluid
(although she wasn't able to tell me that). The ultrasound tech
told me that I was the first mommy in her 14 years of experience
to ever bring in a list. I guess I just wanted to make sure you
are healthy in there and see "all of you." Plus, Mommy finds all
of that anatomy and physiology stuff very interesting! This was an
amazing experience. We saw lots of hair on your head. Where did
you get all of that hair? You were sleeping when we first
started looking at you, so the ultrasound tech woke you up with a
loud buzzer. I could tell that it scared you, and Mommy and Daddy
felt so bad that you had to hear that noise. After all, your world
is pretty quiet. Once you were awake, you were blinking your eyes
and moving your arms and legs around. We could see your little
foot that you like to keep pressed against Mommy’s tummy. You
truly are a miracle, baby. We have 3 beautiful pictures and an 8
minute videotape of you, our beautiful son. You already weigh 5
pounds, 5½ oz. What a big boy you are! Of course Daddy
had to buy you a Dallas Cowboys outfit right away! After
seeing you, we really can’t wait to meet
you!
November 23 (35 weeks,
2 days)
At today’s doctor
appointment, your heart rate was 150 bpm. I am so proud of you
that you are staying in the heads-down position. I think you are
ready for this to be over, too! Mommy has gained 4½ pounds in
the last 2 weeks. I have gained 31½ pounds altogether, and
now weigh 147½ pounds. My fundal height measured 36 cm. Dr.
Placek told us that it would be okay with her if you came anytime
after 36 weeks. That’s only 5 days away!
December 3 (36 weeks, 5
days)
We had a doctor
appointment today. Your hear rate was 136. My weight has stayed
the same since our last visit. My fundal height is 36cm. We now go
to the doctor every week until you are born! Tonight we met with
Cindy, a nice lady who has a day-care center in her home. Daddy
and I decided that she would be a wonderful person to take care of
you while we are at work. You will be the only little boy there!
After you are born, Mommy plans to work four days per week rather
than five.
December
8
Tonight we had our last
Lamaze class. I think we are all ready for labor. Daddy has
learned some wonderful ways to help me relax. I love getting
massages. We haven't been practicing our breathing, but I have a
feeling we'll do just fine. You are the first baby due in our
class.
December 10 (37 weeks,
5 days)
At today’s doctor
appointment, we met one of Dr. Placek’s partners. We will
meet the other two doctors in the practice just in case Dr. Placek
is not on call when you decide to come. Today your heart rate was
120. I have not gained any weight lately. I have gained a total of
32 pounds.
Back
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Peyton's
Birth Story
December 16 (38 weeks,
4 days)
Well, today is the day
that Mommy had chosen for you to be born….even though you are
not due for 10 more days. Everyone told me that "first babies are
usually late," but something told me that this was going to be
your big day. My co-workers even planned a shower for you on this
day! When they were planning the event, I warned them that you
were going to be born that day, but no-one seemed to believe me.
At 10:30am this morning, we had a doctor’s
appointment—my first internal exam. After the exam, I asked
the doctor, "So, what’s the verdict?" She responded, "Well,
you’re not going to have a baby today." I was 1cm dilated and
70% effaced. I finally started to believe that maybe this
wouldn’t be your birthday, after all. But, you--my sweet
baby, obviously remembered all the talks you and Mommy had! At
2:30pm, I stood up from my chair at work and felt a whole new
sensation. I froze in my tracks, looked at my oblivious co-workers
and said, "something doesn’t feel right." I then looked down
at my chair and there was a little puddle of clear liquid. I
looked back up and said, "I think my water just broke." My
take-charge co-worker, Susan, grabbed me by the hand and whisked
me down the hall. We giggled as fluid continued to gush and run
down my leg. Although I had never before experienced the
"rupturing of the waters," there was no mistaking this! Susan led
me to the nearest bathroom. I sat there in absolute disbelief that
this really was happening today! I had so much work to do yet!
Mommy remained very calm throughout this entire event….in
fact, I was the calmest person there! Susan drove me home so I
could get my stuff together before heading over to the hospital
(they wouldn’t let me drive myself home, even though I wanted
to). I used my cellular phone to call your daddy and the
doctor’s office. Dr. Placek's nurse told me to go home, get
my stuff, and head over to the hospital. She also told me to stay
calm...little did she know, I was. Once home, I began cleaning and
organizing like crazy. I have always heard that expecting mommies
tend to do that but never thought I would ! Daddy arrived
home around 3:45pm. I think he was pretty nervous! Even though I
knew you were going to be born today, I was not ready and did not
have our bags packed. The only thing we had prepared was a snack
bag for Daddy, because he tends to get crabby when he’s
hungry! We finally arrived at the hospital at 4:30pm. We checked
in at the nurse’s station and they showed us to our room. I
could feel contractions, but none of them were painful, yet. I
changed into my hospital gown and settled in. I was still 1 cm
dilated and 70% effaced. The nurses encouraged me to start walking
in order to speed up labor. So your daddy and I set out to tour
the hospital. As we were waiting for the elevator to arrive, a
nurse caught up with us and told us that we were not allowed to
leave the maternity floor. Oops! So we started taking laps around
the floor. Around 6:00pm, I started to feel my contractions, and I
was 2 cm, 90% effaced….a little progress is better than none.
By 9:00pm, I was already 6cm dilated. I had made some good
progress and the contractions really hurt by that time. The nurses
offered me pain relief, but I decided to hold off until 10:00pm.
When she checked me at 10:00pm, I was still 6 cm dilated. This was
somewhat discouraging, so I asked for a shot of Stadol, and it
took the edge off some of the really painful ones. I was able to
sleep between contractions which were about 1½ to 2 minutes
apart at that point. Except for a total of about one-half hour, I
labored entirely in a glider rocking chair, while Daddy held
my hand and watched the monitor; giving me play-by-play of my
contractions and your heart rate. Your heart rate stayed in the
120bpm range the whole time. Grandma Pam called from her cellular
phone for updates every hour while she and Grandpa where on their
way from South Dakota. Daddy was a wonderful coach, and we both
remained very calm and in control the whole time. Daddy snacked on
beef jerky and fed Mommy ice chips. At 11:00pm, I got another shot
of Stadol, but it didn’t help as much as the first one.
Finally, at 11:45pm, I told the nurse to check me because I felt
like I needed to push. Just then, your grandma and grandpa walked
into the room. I was so happy that they had made it here before
you were born but wasn’t in any mood for hugs and chit-chat.
Of course, they understood. The nurse checked me, and—sure
enough—I was 10cm dilated and ready to push! Yippee! I hopped
(not really) up onto the bed and started to push you down. Deb was
a very good labor nurse. At 12:15am (after ½ hour of pushing)
you were ready to come out, but the doctor was running late so I
had to wait. I could see the top of your head in the reflection of
a picture on the wall…I could see all of your black hair!
Mommy had to breathe through some pushing contractions. Needless
to say, I wasn’t very happy about that. I begged the nurse to
let me push you out, but she calmly told me that I had to wait for
Dr. Placek. The doctor finally arrived at 12:20am and I started to
REALLY push. Six contractions and 15 minutes later, you were here!
We heard your beautiful cry right away. Deb, our nurse said, "Oh,
he’s so small." That’s when Grandma Pam came in…She
had been waiting right outside the room and couldn’t wait to
meet you either! Daddy cut the umbilical cord and the doctor
placed you on my chest. You were so beautiful! I felt like I
already knew you. You calmed down so easily. In fact, you calmed
down too easily—the nurses wanted you to cry a bit more in
order to increase circulation to your little hands and feet. Your
APGARS were 8,9,9. We could hardly believe you were really
here…our precious son!! I held you for about 20 minutes, and
you even nursed while the doctor stitched up Mommy’s little
episiotomy. Then you, Daddy, and Grandma went down to the nursery
while you got weighed, measured, all cleaned up. You cried and
cried while the nurse gave you a bath. You weighed 7.06 pounds and
measured 19½ inches long. In the meantime, Mommy moved over
to our new room at 2:30am. I was hungry, so the nice man nurse
brought me two slices of toast with peanut butter. I hadn’t
eaten since I had a Subway sandwich at lunch time, 14 hours
earlier. Then you and Daddy came into our room….you were all
cleaned up and your hair was combed. The nurse parted your hair
down the side and combed it all over. You looked so spiffy! You
were all wrapped up in a little, tiny bundle and looked so very
sweet. You looked so tiny in Daddy's arms. Daddy and I held you
and kissed you for a little while. We had you sleep in the nursery
for 3 hours so Mommy and Daddy could get some slept, but I was too
excited to sleep (Daddy must have been tired because he was
snoring!).
Peyton's
First Day
December 17 (your
birthday!)
The nurse brought you back
to me at 6:00am because you were hungry. This time, it wasn’t
quite as easy for you to nurse. But that is understandable since
neither one of us had ever done this before! We finally got it
right after a few minutes, and you had your very first breakfast.
Grandma and Grandpa came back to see us around 9:00am. They were
so excited about their very first grandbaby. Daddy went home to
shower and get cleaned up. Your Grandma Linda came to meet you,
too. She thought you were very cute! She couldn't believe you had
so much black hair! You didn't like to open your eyes very much.
You opened them up every once in a while to take a peak at Mommy
and Daddy, but the lights must have been too bright for you. You
especially didn't like it when we took pictures of you with that
bright flash. Your doctor came to check you over and listen to
your heart. He said everything looks good. You received lots and
lots of balloons, flowers, and teddy bears today. All of our
friends and family are so happy that you are here. We had lots of
visitors today, too. Three of Daddy's co-workers came to meet you
over their lunch break. It was so fun to show you off to everyone.
Around 1:30pm, Daddy decided that I should get some sleep, so
everyone left while you and I stayed in our room. But I was still
too excited to sleep. Instead, I held you, gazed in awe at you,
talked to you, and called all my friends. When I did try to sleep,
I pulled your little bassinet right up next to my bed so that you
were very close to me. You must have been very tired, too. While I
was supposed to be napping, Daddy and Grandma Pam went shopping,
and Grandpa took a nap. They also washed a load of of all your new
little clothes. I called home around 5:00pm and asked them to come
back, and they were just on their way out the door. That evening
Mommy, Daddy, Grandpa, and Grandma sat around chatting...mostly
about you. We all took turns holding you and trying to figure out
who you look like. You definitely have Daddy's long fingers and
toes, Grandpa's ears, and Mommy's pointed chin. We finally decided
that your name would be Peyton Michael. That's been our favorite
name for a long time. Plus, Daddy already had a Christmas present
under the tree to "Peyton." Around 9:00pm, Grandma and Grandpa
said good-bye and went back to our place for the night. At 9:15pm,
I fed you. You ate a lot better this time, and Mommy was very
glad. When you were done eating, Daddy held you in his arms for an
hour while Mommy dozed off. You guys bonded. Daddy was so glad to
have you, his very own son. Around 10:30pm, we kissed you
good-night and Daddy took you to the nursery so we could try to
sleep.
That was the last time we
ever saw you as our *healthy* newborn baby. At 10:50pm, our nurse
came into our room and told us that you had started to cry, you
were turning pale, and your little nose was cold. They had called
your pediatrician and were starting to run tests to see why that
was all happening.
The Next
Four Days
(The rest of
Peyton's story is written about him, rather than to
him.)
December 18 to 21,
1998
The nursing staff had
placed Peyton on one of those newborn warming tables while they
attempted to draw blood out of his little veins. They poked and
poked and nobody could get any blood from him. We would learn
later--that because of his heart defect--his peripheral arteries
and veins had virtually collapsed. They also placed an oxygen hood
over his head, but we would also learn later that HLHS babies need
lower oxygen levels than other babies. They ran chest x-rays to
check for pneumonia. Our pediatrician, Dr. Bernstein, also talked
of the possibly of the Group B Strep or meningitis. All of that
scared us, but at least they were "fixable." Our pediatrician was
very good about keeping Mike and I informed and updated on
Peyton's status and letting us know when tests came back
negative....which they all did. Dr. Bernstein was on-call for his
partner and was also working with another critical infant at a
different hospital, so he was going back and forth between the two
hospitals throughout the night. Mike and I took turns standing in
the nursery next to Peyton, holding his hand, and talking to him.
He cried and cried. It was so very hard to see him like that. His
beautiful pink skin was now a milky shade of gray. It made me so
sad that there was NOTHING I could do for him. How could this
happen? I called my parents around 1:00am. and kept them informed
about what was going on. I was so sleepy, as I hadn't slept at all
since before Peyton was born the night before. But there was no
way either one of us could sleep now.
Approximately 6 hours
after Peyton began displaying symptoms, the staff decided to
transfer him to the NICU at St. Elizabeth's Hospital across town.
They didn't know what more they could do. The transport team
arrived from St. E's and it was so hard to see him go. One of the
NICU nurses from St. E's asked me if I was the mom, and I said
"yes." She said, "He looks like a heart baby to me." I said "He
does?" and she nodded her head yes. That was the first time we had
heard that. As they wheeled him by in a well-equipped incubator,
the nurse said, "You can talk to him." So I put my hand in there
and said, "I love you sweetie, Mommy will see you in just a little
bit." And they wheeled him down the hall. Mike followed the
ambulance to St. E's while I took a quick shower and got
discharged from the hospital....less than 18 hours after giving
birth. My mom and dad helped me pack our stuff and we were out of
there within 30 minutes. My dad dropped my mom and I off at the
front door of St. E's and we headed up to the NICU. A nurse met us
there and showed us to a room where Mike was waiting while Peyton
was getting an echocardiogram done to look at his heart. Not long
after that, Dr. Martin (a pediatric cardiologist) and Dr.
Bernstein came into the room. I looked at Dr. Bernstein's
face and knew immediately that we were about to get the most
devastating news of our lives. I asked him, "Is it bad?" He
dropped his head and nodded. Mike, my mom, Dr. Martin, Dr.
Bernstein, and I all sat in that small room while Dr. Martin
proceeded to tell is that Peyton had what was called Hypoplastic
Left Heart Syndrome...something none of us had ever heard of
before. She began by drawing a sketch of a normal heart. Then she
drew a picture of Peyton's heart . His left ventricle (the main
pumping chamber of the heart) was severely underdeveloped, as was
his ascending aorta (which carries oxygenated blood to the body).
Basically, his patent ductus--which acts as a bypass between the
pulmonary artery to the lungs and the aorta when the baby is in
utero--had been keeping him alive during his first "healthy" day
of life. Once that started shutting down (which it normally does
between 24 and 72 hours after birth), Peyton began exhibiting
symptoms because his little heart was unable to pump blood to the
rest of his body. Since I am in the medical field and Mike
has had anatomy classes, we had a good understanding of what was
going on. But this wasn't supposed to happen to our own son! Dr.
Martin presented us the information very matter-of-factly without
much compassion at all......which made it that much more difficult
for us to accept. She then discussed our three options. She began
by telling us that our first option was to place Peyton on a
waiting list for a heart transplant which may take many months. We
would have to temporarily move down to Loma Linda, CA where all
pediatric heart transplants are performed in the United States,
and many babies with HLHS don't live long enough to ever receive a
heart. She then explained option #2: a three-stage palliative
procedure (a temporary fix, not a cure) has been available since
the mid-1980's which consists of 3 open-heart surgeries in the
first 18 months of life. This procedure could be done in Omaha and
the first surgery is usually done before the baby is four days
old. The success rate for this procedure is between 60-75% across
the country, and the children who survive will more than likely
need a heart transplant eventually. Before she could even say it,
I knew what the third option was. I said, "And I know the
third option...it's to let him go." Mike, my mom, and I were in
absolute disbelief...I never in all my life imagined that this
would ever happen to me. Dr. Martin told us that she was going to
have Peyton transferred over to the Omaha's Children's Hospital
NICU until we had made our decison.
We were allowed to spend
some time with Peyton and have him baptized before they
transferred him. Even though we aren't Catholic, we agreed to have
an elderly Catholic nun baptize Peyton. Much to our
disappointment, she did so when neither Mike nor I were right
there by Peyton. She also said a prayer with us, but we were
unable to understand her words. I was already saying my own
prayers.
Our little peanut looked
so very sick and I wasn't sure that we were ever going to see him
alive again. He was already hooked up to a ventilator and on
paralytic drugs. They had also begun giving him Prostaglandin-E, a
drug which inhibits closing of the ductus. This drug helped out
immensely so his little heart didn't have to work so hard. He
looked like a completely different baby...so limp and lifeless.
The nurses were very compassionate and graciously took pictures
for us, but those pictures are now actually hidden deep away as
they are so, so heart-wrenching to look at. Once Peyton was
stabilized, the transfer team took him over to Children's in the
ambulance. Mike's mom and sister met us down in the lobby of St.
E's as we were leaving. We sadly told them the worst news of our
lives and went home to pack our stuff up so that we could go be
with Peyton.
Walking into our home
without our son was one of the more difficult things we have ever
done. I vividly remember thinking as we were leaving for the
hospital after my water broke, "next time we are here, our baby
boy will be with us." Who ever would have guessed otherwise? Both
Mike and I were so angry, scared, and in absolute shock. I did not
know what to do with myself. I was still so very tired from giving
birth, yet that wasn't even a priority or an issue anymore. We
took about an hour to get our stuff together and leave for the
hospital. As much as I wanted so very much to be with Peyton, a
huge part of me was scared that he wasn't going to be alive. Mike
and I drove ourselves over to Omaha, and we didn't talk about
the fact that we were losing our son ...it was just too exhausting
at that time.
When we arrived at
Children's in Omaha, my brother and his wife were waiting for us
in the lobby. We immediately went up to be with Peyton. He was
already stabilized and settled into the NICU. It was so good to
see him...he was alive and his pink color was coming back. He had
so very many wires and tubes coming from his little body, which
absolutely broke my heart. But a mommy learns quickly to look past
that stuff and see her beautiful baby boy. They still had him on a
ventilator, in a drug-induced coma, and on many other drugs to
keep him alive and comfortable. We were informed that he had
received a blood transfusion. The hardest parts for us during
those three days was the fact that we weren't able to hold him and
that he was on paralytic medications--unable to move on his own.
This was done so that he couldn't breathe over his ventilator
which was breathing for him. Also, the medical staff wanted his
little body in optimal condition in case we chose either the heart
transplant or Norwood surgery route. During those three days,
Peyton was so very helpless but just as beautiful as before. He
looked like our own Buddha baby in the NICU next all those tiny
little preemies.
We stood by Peyton's side
for 3 days...giving him more love than I ever knew existed within
me. We read books to him, sang songs to him, played musical toys
for him, gave him baby massages, stroked every square inch of his
soft skin and hair, and marveled at his incredible cuteness and
mere existence. It was absolute torture on us not being able to
hold him. Plus, there were only two of us allowed in there with
him at a time. We really got to know Peyton quite well during
those days. In fact, we came to know more about our newborn son
than we had ever hoped. We could tell his mood by watching his
blood oxygen levels and his blood pressure. Although he could not
physically respond to us, his oxygen saturation levels always told
us and the nurses that he knew when Mommy and Daddy were there
with him....which was very often, of course. We also came to know
when his paralytic drugs were beginning to wear off, as he would
begin to open an eye or wiggle a little toe. We lived--and
loved--to see those movements throughout those three days! Daddy
especially loved to see those little glimpses of life. But, as
soon as Peyton began moving a little, the nurses had to give him
more drugs. The nurses were so good about making us feel involved
and useful by allowing us to take his temperature and help change
his positions. I always had to walk away when they either
suctioned him or bagged him...I just couldn't watch. Even though I
knew he couldn't feel it, it was just too hard for me to see.
We stayed at the Comfort
Inn just down the street form Children's Hospital during those
three nights. It was so hard to leave him at night, but it was
just too exhausting to stay there as long as I wanted to. We
always seemed to be the last parents to leave and the first ones
to arrive. On one morning, Mike got up before any of us to go be
with Peyton...he needed a little daddy time alone. We were not
allowed to be in the NICU during shift changes from 6:00 to 7:00
both in the morning and evening. These were natural breaks for us
to either rest or eat. On the first day our family encouraged us
to leave the hospital to get something to eat, but we were
miserable the whole time and never did it again.
Something that seems
interesting to me now is the fact that I really didn't pay as much
attention to all the in-depth medical information about Peyton as
I would expect from myself. I do not know the name of all the
medications that he was on or what all of the numbers on his
monitor represented. It was not important to me to come to
understand all that stuff....I just wanted to be with my son and
know that he was comfortable.
The entire staff was so
wonderful to us. Each one of Peyton's nurses cried with me on more
than one occasion. I couldn't believe how wonderfully
compassionate everyone was...they were angels from God in my eyes.
We developed a special relationship with one of the pediatric
cardiologists, Dr. Gumbiner. He sat down and talked with us more
than once about the three options available. He talked to us very
kindly and answered all the questions we had. But he never once
offered his opinion, and we came to respect that in him. We wanted
no one's opinion because this was a decision that only Mike and
I could make for our son.
On our second day at
Children's, we met with another couple who had chosen the 3-stage
surgery route for their 6 month old son. He was back in the
hospital because he had a virus. He had survived the first two
surgeries but was developmentally delayed and had a minor stroke
during the surgery. Although it was good to talk with them, I
actually felt worse after we did. There was also another baby at
the hospital who had just gone through the first surgery and was
still in very, very critical condition. When I saw her, it broke
my heart. She was so puffy and hooked up to a roomful of machines
and monitors. She--unfortunately--passed away the next week.
From the first time we
were presented with Peyton's diagnosis, Mike and I knew in our
hearts that we couldn't put our precious baby through a heart
transplant or multiple open-heart surgeries...not knowing what the
outcome would be. Even though there were many, many times we
thought, "we have to do EVERYTHING possible to save our baby
and give him a chance at life!" But the two surgical options were
not good enough for our Peyton. Quality of Life was a big
issue for us, and there was no guarantee that he would live a
healthy life--or live at all, for that matter. We knew that
we--his parents--were going to suffer and feel pain regardless,
but we did not want Peyton to feel the same. On the Sunday night
before we presented our final decision, Mike and I were sitting in
the family room alone, and we picked up a little book called
When Dinosaurs Die, a children's guide to understanding
death. The book started out by first explaining what life
is...breathing, eating, running, laughing, crying, and so on. We
realized that Peyton may never have those basic life components if
there are complications from a surgery....a risk we were not
comfortable taking for our son. We did know, however, that he
would have a beautiful, pain-free life as a child in God's
home.
On Monday December 21,
1998 at 9:30am, we informed the NICU staff that we were choosing
to let our son go....one of the single most painful things we had
to do throughout this whole process. We disclosed to God, the
world, and ourselves that we were choosing to let our baby
go....even though most of the staff and our family already knew of
our decision.
Before they could begin
the process, I wanted to know--in specific detail--how Peyton's
last moments of life would be. After all, we were choosing
"compassionate" care for our son and did not want him to suffer in
his last moments of life. This was my biggest fear about choosing
this option for our sweet baby. Both the neonatologist and the
pediatric cardiologist told us that Peyton should just slip
peacefully away and feel no pain. Even though I wasn't comfortable
with the word should, we had come to realize that there
were no definitive answers in this entire situation.
So on the morning of
Peyton's fourth day of life, the medical staff began the process
of removing him from all medications and support. It was a long
process, but everything went rather smoothly. He came off the
ventilator very easily. They gradually dropped it down from 60
breaths per minute until Peyton started breathing over it and
taking a few breaths of his own until he was eventually breathing
completely on his own. The paralytic drug that was keeping him
from voluntarily using all of his muscles was also gradually
wearing off at the same time which allowed his diaphragm to take
over the work. The NICU staff had it down to both an art and
a science. I was amazed. They stopped administering all of his
blood pressure meds and any others that he was on. But most
important to us was the paralytic drug! It was so wonderful to
finally see him move again. He started with the little toe wiggles
and peaking at us with one eye at a time. After a while, His grasp
reflex was back and he would squeeze our fingers again. He was
also beginning to suckle on his ventilator tube. It was the most
beautiful thing we had seen in 3 days! One by one, tubes and wires
started coming off of his little body. There were few
complications throughout the day. A critical set of twins has
unexpectedly arrived in the NICU and needed extra care, which
slowed down the process of weaning Peyton a bit. As the time was
coming closer to holding our son again, we had a sense of
excitement. My arms were literally aching for him. Just before
2:45pm, the nurses asked us to go wait in the family room and they
would bring Peyton into us as soon as they had him fully extubated
and suctioned. I gave them two of Peyton's receiving blankets from
home to wrap him in while Mike and I retreated to the family room
to wait for our son.
I remember seeing his
two nurses rush around the corner--one of them with Peyton in her
arms. They both had intense and somewhat distressed looks on their
faces. I said, "How is he?" His nurse Kathy gave me no eye contact
and just pressed her lips together. I could tell that they
thought he was critical and would not live long. But there I was,
holding Peyton in my arms for the first time in three days. When
the nurse placed him my arms, the feeling was almost as beautiful
as when I held him that very first time just four days before.
Only this time, we knew that our time with him would come to an
end much too soon. Mike and I both cried. This was the epitome of
a bittersweet moment. Not knowing how long Peyton would be with
us, we chose to stay in that small family room near the NICU
rather than drive to our home an hour away, which was suggested by
some members of the NICU staff. We just weren't comfortable with
that yet. By staying at Children's, the nursing staff was there to
check in with us, and I felt much comfort knowing that someone was
available to take Peyton's pain away if that became an issue. One
heparin lock remained in his foot in case a medication would need
to be injected intravenously, but that was removed about 8 hours
after he was extubated.
Mike and I spent time
alone with Peyton, taking turns holding him and feeling his warm
little body next to ours. For the first few hours, Peyton had red
marks on his face where the tubes were taped to his precious skin.
He was slightly blue around his mouth, but that went away after a
few hours, as well. He looked so beautiful. We were able to have
Peyton baptized by my uncle, a Methodist minister who had married
us. We were also able to share our sweet, 'tube-free' baby with
family members who weren't able to see him during his first day of
life. Even Peyton's 85 year-old great grandmother from Iowa was
there to meet him. We took many, many pictures and didn't stop
holding our baby for one moment.
The nurse who was assigned
to Peyton checked in with us other every hour or so. She listened
to his heart, checked his breathing, and took his temperature. He
was doing so good with a steady heart beat of 120bpm. A few hours
after he was back in our arms, one of our favorite nurses Lynn
asked us if we would like to feed him. Of course we would! I had
forgotten that our little baby would probably like to eat...I was
just so focused on the fact that he was alive and in my arms. So
she prepared a little bottle for us, and we fed Peyton. It took
him a little while to latch on to the nipple, but he eventually
got it and drank down about 2 oz. We were so proud of him. A
little later when Lynn came back in to see how we were doing, she
asked if we had checked Peyton's diaper. Oh yeah! I had totally
forgotten about that aspect, too. With Peyton being catheterized
for 3 days, I had not even thought about it. Sure enough, the
little guy had a soaking wet diaper. A few hours later when
Peyton was getting hungry again, Lynn brought us another bottle.
But someone suggested that I try to nurse him. Again,
I had forgotten that that was still an option. So
I started to nurse Peyton. He had some initial problems
latching on, but he finally got the hang of it and this continued
to be his preferred method of eating until his last few hours.
I felt like a mommy again...what an incredible
feeling!
Throughout the evening and
into the night, we took turns holding Peyton and taking cat naps.
Having him back with us was so emotionally exhausting that we
needed little rest breaks. The room had a couch in it, so we would
just lie down right there. Our parents took turns coming in and
out of our little family room. Peyton's grandmas especially loved
rocking him. Other family members also came in and out and
graciously brought us food. The farthest I ever got away from
Peyton during that time was to go to the bathroom.
Every time the nurse came
into check Peyton's status, he was staying the same. We couldn't
believe it. He slept most of the time because of all the drugs
still circulating in his little body. Lynn told us that Peyton's
incubator in the NICU was still set up for him in case we would
need to bring him back in. Mike and I said "No way!" There was no
way in this world we were going to send him back in there. We told
them to take his little bed down and get it ready for another
baby. So they did.
By early Tuesday morning,
we were ready to take our son home. He had remained stable for
over 12 hours, and we felt comfortable enough to take care of his
needs. So, the process began of getting Peyton discharged. Like
removing him from all support and medications, this also took a
while. Our pediatrician in Lincoln was contacted and informed that
we were coming home. Hospice was called and informed of our
situation. They were the ones who would be able to provide relief
to Peyton if he would begin to suffer in any way (this brought me
MUCH comfort). The neonatologist had written a letter that
described Peyton's diagnosis and our decision of compassionate
care. That way, if the paramedics were called, we could show them
the letter and they would not be allowed to resuscitate Peyton.
Peyton was on no medications and we were given no specific
instructions other than to just love him and fulfill his basic
needs.
As the medical staff
completed all the necessary steps to get Peyton discharged from
Children's, we gathered all of our stuff together and prepared to
leave. We dressed Peyton in his first 'real' clothes and waited
until all of the paper work was done. For some reason, I had
packed a little diaper bag for Peyton before coming over to
Children's...even though I have no memory of doing that.
I had a little outfit, a bunting, booties, diapers, and a
hat. God must have known that Peyton would be coming home with us.
By 10:30am on December 22,
1998 (Peyton's sixth day of life), we were ready to leave
Children's Hospital with our son. After spending 19 hours in that
small room, we wanted to be home! I remember walking out of the
NICU with Peyton in my arms and a gleaming smile on my face (yet
another bittersweet moment). A woman walking out at the same time
asked if I was taking my baby home. I told her that yes, I
was, but he has a fatal heart defect and won't be with us for very
long. She said, "Oh, really? He looks so good." I told her that
I thought so, too. A nurse walked us down to the front door,
we took a picture of Peyton in his car seat by the big Christmas
tree in the lobby, and loaded up into the car. I think it was the
coldest day of the entire year! Mike drove us home while my mom
and I sat in the back seat with Peyton. Grandpa followed behind. I
was a little nervous about the hour ride home, but Peyton just
slept the whole way home....I think he was ready to be there,
too!
Peyton's
Time at Home
December 22-23,
1998
We arrived home just
before noon on December 22nd. Grandpa decided that he needed to go
back home to South Dakota, and Mike and I decided that Grandma Pam
should stay with us (which turned out to be an absolute blessing).
Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma Pam hardly slept at all during those two
days because we didn't want to miss out on a single moment of our
precious baby's life. When we look back on that time now, none of
us even remember eating!
While at home, Peyton took
a nap on daddy's chest, filled his diapers many, many times, got a
tour of his room, made us laugh and smile, and continued to marvel
us with his existence. We videotaped our little guy, took lots of
pictures, and loved him oh-so-much. Peyton also nursed, cooed,
slept, and did all the things newborns babies are supposed to do.
He mostly slept because of the many medications that were still
circulating in his little body. For his last few feedings, I
pumped because it was easier for him to breathe while drinking
from the bottle. He got a really bad tummy ache in the middle of
the night when his bowels really started working again. So it was
a good thing that Grandma was there because she was the only one
who could calm him and make his tummy feel better. It was so
frustrating to me--and still is today--that EVERY SINGLE cell
of Peyton's body was ready for life except for his little
heart...the most important part. How can that be????
With Peyton at home, we
were torn between inviting everyone we knew over to meet our son
or just completely shutting out the rest of the world while he was
here. We did a combination of both. We invited over our good
friends Sherry and Jay to meet Peyton. I asked my co-worker Pam to
come by and see him, as she had only seen him hooked up to all the
tubes. My aunt and her family was driving through on their way to
South Dakota, so we asked them to stop by. Also, the Hospice nurse
and chaplain stopped by to let us know of their services if we
should need them. Everyone who came just stayed a short time, and
we appreciated that. Plus, many other caring people sent over
flowers, plants, and cookies. Our family members would call
periodically for updates.
Kathy , the nurse
practitioner from our pediatrician's office called to see if we
would like her to stop by for a visit, and we decided that it
would be a good idea. She told us that she would be over sometime
after 4:00pm. We had met Kathy when we toured the pediatrician's
office back in November and felt so comfortable with her. It was
good to see her again... she is a wonderfully caring person.
I believe that she was another angel sent to us by God
himself. Around 4:30pm, Peyton had just finished eating and was
sleeping on my lap. I noticed that he had begun to breathe out of
his mouth instead of his nose. It wasn't labored, just different.
I knew then that those were Peyton's last moments. I asked Kathy
if she would please stay with us. Kathy took his heart rate, and
it was at 100. Until then, it had always been at 120. Mike and I
sat with him on the couch and took turns holding him in our arms.
We continued to tell him how much we loved him and that it was
okay for him to go be with Jesus. I sang lullabies and Christmas
carols to him. Over the course of thirty minutes, Peyton's heart
rate gradually lowered to 80, 40, 20...until his little heart was
no longer beating. Our little boy had been lifted to God right
from our very own arms at 5:05pm, two days before Christmas. It
was so very, very peaceful. To know that he had even passed away,
Kathy had to listen to his heart with her stethoscope. It was that
peaceful...he just stayed asleep. No pain, no gasping, and no
suffering....just the way I prayed it would be. This
reassured us that we made the best decision for Peyton by choosing
compassionate care...he really did know nothing but love in his
short life.
Altogether, Peyton
lived 50 hours after being removed from the medications and
support...for a total of six days and 16 1/2 hours. That precious
time is not comparable to anything else on this earth....and never
will be. As I sit here 6 months later writing out the last four
days of Peyton's life, the emotions feel just as intense as they
did during those 6 1/2 days of my son's life. We thank God for
giving us the chance to meet and get to know our first-born child.
We also thank Him for the wonderful people who have come into our
lives because of Peyton. Peyton has brought so much meaning into
our lives. Although I would much rather have my little boy with
me, I feel so blessed to have such an awesome angel watching over
us forever. As fate would have it, we put our sweet baby to rest
the day he was due to arrive....December 26, 1998.
When
the time comes...
Look up into the Heavens above,
Because the stars will be shining extra bright
On the day I am reunited with my son...
And my heart will be whole again.
Peyton's
mommy, June 1999