Wedding Kit - Guest Lists
This is probably the moment you've been dreading... and rightfully so. A wedding might seem like the perfect time for revenge, to show how you really feel about the friend who slighted you or the relatives that insist on calling you "Big Feet" and ask why you haven't lost your baby fat yet.
While I'm sure those people will get what's coming to them, it's not up to you to sock it to 'em (at least, not at this, your festival of love). What the guest list is all about is deciding where to draw the line... how many guests can fit within the budget, how far back into the gene pool you'll be delving (first cousins? Third step-cousins, twice removed?) and if co-workers, friends, acquaintances or even children will be invited.
Wait - who's that? You with the faint voice, saying you don't think the guest list is going to be a hassle? Try telling your cousin that their colicky 8-month-old princess won't be there to scream on your wedding video. Or, when the mailman assumes he's invited and starts talking about what a wonderful party it will be. The worst part is this: you aren't the only one who will be bombarded with the ridiculous, petty, and astounding requests. Everyone's mother, your fiance[e], and possibly your cats will be forced to listen to all sorts of excuses and promises, not to mention demands. So brace yourself. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and to be honest with you... the decisions you make with your guest list (rash, well thought-out, or otherwise) may bless or haunt you the rest of your life.
Let's start at the beginning:
Grab each of your address books and start what I like to call the "Dream Guest List". This is the list where everyone you've ever known, every relative in the universe, and everyone who you want to invite are included. The point in making this list is that you might actually be able to afford to actually go with this list. You'd be surprised... what might seem like a mountain of people before you begin the list might really be manageable.
Let's say that your dream list is too large, which is the unfortunate conclusion in most cases. What comes next is not the hard part: make boundaries. Decide how many people you can invite, and start cutting back from there. Most people will either start with distant relations, and work up to cutting back on casual acquaintances and co-workers. You might consider an age limit - especially if special favours, sitters, and other budget-busters might have to be included if you invite 10 or more children. Whatever you decide, make the list and don't look back, because...
...now you are at the hard part. Which is, of course, enforcing the rules you have set. Do you see now why you might come to regret your decisions if you use your guest list as revenge? Of course, if I was your mother I might casually ask how you would feel if your best friend didn't invite you to her wedding because you insulted her shoes in ninth grade. Sure, go ahead and fantasize about how crushed so-and-so is because they weren't invited to your wedding, but that makes you the petty and quite unattractive person, doesn't it? So list your 'exclusions', make a copy of them and the guest list, and hand out a copy to the few people who will need to enforce them. Make sure you are clear... you don't want someone flubbing up what you've worked so hard on (plus hurt feelings aren't fun or easy to kiss-and-make-better).
Here's an example of a set of rules for a guest list:
Once you've made it this far, and have informed everyone of your decision (make sure that it's agreeable to all involved) then start creating little "form letters" in your head and a mantra like I will be strong, I will not cave in for emergency situations that are sure to come up. Rehearse them ahead of time, and mean what you say - that you would love for a particular person to be there, but you just had to keep your guest list within the budget, and (if they keep pressing you) while you would love to make an exception for them, you couldn't possibly, because if you did then all the other third cousin's roommates would have to be invited, too... and you hope they understand. Leave it there, because then they are forced to be accomodating for you. Never argue! Your guest list is not debatable. Another way to deal with it is to give the responsibility of fielding these calls to someone you trust and is able to turn someone away nicely... simply give them the explanation you've rehearsed and then turn them over to Mr. or Ms. Guest List Explainer. Be sure that they know where your head is at in regards to the guest list, and what you want said.
What to make of the relatives who threaten not to come? Ignore them... if they make it to the wedding, great, if they don't, well, you aren't going to die because of it. It's their life too, and we'll assume they can make these decisions for themselves... even if they do hurt. If you can just set aside your hurt feelings for your wedding day, and promise yourself that you'll go home and have a hot bath and a cry later, then you can avoid letting them wreck your special day.
I hope this has helped, at least a little bit... I warned you that this business of having a wedding isn't always a faery tale, but if you remember that it's all in preparation for a day of celebration in which you start a lifetime with your love, then nothing else really seems to matter. You might not even have to deal with many of the problems involved in creating your own wedding... but aren't you glad that you were prepared to be? *smile* Stay strong, and stay true to yourself and those you love. Everything else will fall into place.
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If you've already done the first things first section, you probably have a rough idea of what your budget will allow in the way of how many people to invite. Even if you don't, the easiest way to start is by making everyone in your immediate family swear to you that they will not divulge the guest list to anyone outside of your secret meetings within the BatCave to discuss it. This is crucial! Should someone be told they are invited and then 'cut' from the list later, that person will hold a grudge until the end of time. This is not a happy wedding memory, so keep the list to yourself.
1) No cousins except first cousins (Note: invite all first cousins, or don't bother. You can't invite some and not others).
2) No children under the age of 16 (make sure that if you are asked, or are telling someone who is invited that their kids aren't, that you do indeed love the children and wish they could be there, but are going to be too stressed out/worried about the alcohol at the reception/have too small a budget to invite them).
3) Single guests may invite a date (be sure to include this in writing on the invitation... when addressing it, use "Mr. Chandler Bing and Guest"). The rule of thumb to follow is this: if their name isn't on the invitation, they aren't invited.
Do you have a suggestion for keeping a guest list under control to add to the guidelines I've created here? Get in touch and I'll add it. Let me know if you have any questions or found these pages helpful!