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Volume V

I'm going along
and doing just fine
then dreams of you enter my mind
Are they signs from above
     from heaven on high
or only reminders
from the back of my mind
where you still reside
I know that I can let go
     but I don't
     not all the way
Love in all it's wonder
    and all love's splendor
Stays back there
I know I can let go
until the dreams of you return
I don't know if I should let go
Memories
Remains of the day
     and messages from God
Reside in dreams
Looking for a sign
and I wonder
should I just remember
or keep holding on to you

It's always so terrible when you come back
     and you always do
I'm so glad to see you
     and my heart races
     at the mere glimpse
Elation
but then I think
it won't last
you will be gone
before my breath can catch the beat of my heart
you would rather live on chances
So much keeps you coming back to me
     the ties between us are always there
     never gone forever
     a promise that will never break
but each time you come back
I want to cut those threads
Seeing you once more reminds me
     how unhappy I will be
     when you are gone
the distance pulls on me
     cutting me
Would you tear me apart?
Are you happy in your world
     so far away?
Not feeling strain of the ties that bind us
     so safe in your distance
     where you know they'll never break
After awhile the strain lessens
I don't notice those threads
     pulling on me
You will be back some day
I will remember once more
Feel every inch between us
     pulling on me
     wishing that they would just break

Fall forever
My forever falling star
I wait to catch you
You're gonna twinkle
     and sparkle
     and shine
forever in the sky
you'll never fall
you'll never fade
you'll never fail
     if you just keep falling
     and never touch the ground
I should have gone
     followed that mighty
          shimmering star stream
Now I just look at you go
whenever I look into the night
          see something so bright
          see wonderful you
All I can do
is watch as you fall forever
fast as the speed of light
Out of the grasp of this Earth bound girl

Don't tell me the time
I don't want to know
     how long you've been gone
Every sunset reminds me
     that the light years
     between us
          only grow
So helpless
Thoughts of you
     fill my mind
     with impossibilities
     of things that can never be
And things that are too far away from me
So senseless
No amount of logic can explain to me
     why falling in love
     means staying apart
     and that you can't have everything
     that you hold in your heart

In the grand scheme of things
     we are all very small
The world revolves around no one
we create our own spheres
I don't expect you to spend your life
spinning around me
nor will I spend mine
spinning around you
But, one minute we're together
and in the next
     you leave me behind
I begin to wonder
     I am not blind
     I see what you do
     and hear what you say
and in your grand scheme of things
     I know
that I am the last thing on your mind
and I will not waste my life
chasing you
while you waste yours
spinning around something else

So this is my sign
     been waiting so long
          here at the crossroads
          of life's indecisions
Waiting for a guide to show me the way
Expecting something subtle
     a feather floating in the air
     a certain kind of breeze
          that flows softly through my hair
Not a flashing red light
A brick between the eyes
Something so obvious
     that it just can't miss
But I don't want to see
I don't want to change my course
Watching all my roads fade in the distance
Looking for a sign that says don't move
But all the cards say
     you've reached the end of this line
Everything you're doing is wasting time
Eternity is a very long time to wait
     for something that will never happen

What will we do with all my anger?
So uncomfortable and out of place
     in a world of glass houses and starving trees
It's been buried
     only to rise from the grave
     and live a new life
Reincarnated, reborn
     looking different
     but the roots remain
            the feeling is the same
            and more powerful
Somethings only grow stronger when tamed
     they turn on you, like wild animals
     seem to simmer, then boil out of control
     try to keep it shut, then it opens new wounds
          too easy to destroy such fragile people
          my anger could devour them whole
The anger of being forced to control anger
Only makes me angrier
     at you and you and you
You that do not want to feel
You that do not want to face
You that want to forget
     all the pain
     all the sadness
     and all the love
          denied in the land of pretence
          where everything is breakable and rotting
Go ahead and live your little lives
Filled with little lies
     you are too important
But my memories are too clear
I'll never forget
You can pretend to be comfortable
But you can't rest for one moment
Because I can't promise that my anger
Won't one day reach you
     those trails of hidden tears and fears
     always have fresh scents

He never listened to me
and now it doesn't matter
I'm remembering the dream
     trapped in your little world
     trying to talk to me
I was desperate to know
but I couldn't hear
and I wanted to help
but I couldn't reach
     not in that place of yours
     with all it's barriers
You wanted me near you
You wanted me there
but your words never came through to me
He never said it loud enough
     treasured my words
          hidden in a special place
     treasured my love, trapped in his world
     but he never told me
          even though I asked
and now, it's too late
The dream was about you
but now it doesn't matter
who it really was

The message has been received
He is returning
     from his secret moon
     on the far side of the sun
Or maybe he was only across the street
He talks the same
He acts the same
     but he's different
     but no one else notices
This is no soap opera
     no mushy love story
This is real and unreal
It's science fiction, baby
     with an alien force
     that haunts me
     rips open my heart
          because it can and it must
          and because I happen to be
          in love with the right man at the wrong time
His world fell, he had to flee
Left his love for me in some black hole
Lost me on his way to finding a new existance
Traded his brain for a new life, without me
I remember you
You don't remember me
     but I'm familiar, sort of, atleast
We've got some place to start
If only he knew where to find me
If only I knew how I arrived
     in a deep dark space dilemma
     where no one hears my cries
     or understands the force
          that keeps me beside him
I contemplate the lack of logic
     concerning this situation
Where reality could come crashing
     at any moment destroy
     this altered state
Where I cling to paradoxes
     hoping I won't get hurt
     knowing I can only get hurt
I'd prefer a simple melodrama
Because I know, despite all the hype
     that there are so few good movies
     in the sci-fi/horror genre

"Canon in D" by Johann Pachelbel