LEGENDS OF THE CORD

EDITED BY CHRIS “EVENFLOW” FINCH

Legends of the Cord is the section of our web site that deals with our greatest exploits and adventures. These are our greatest triumphs, some of our funniest moments (let’s face it, not everything that’s happened to us is entirely appropriate to tell, even on the Web), and the story of the Men In Cord.


THE ORIGIN OF CORD




The cold, frozen, womb that is Tunkwa Lake. This is where the Men In Cord were born. It was the first-ever Cord retreat. We were all in a small cabin with our new Cord leader, the one known as Humeniuk. We all knew each other, some of us were good friends with each other, but none of us truly knew just how powerful we would become.

On that frigid tundra of the shore of Tunkwa Lake (in the interior of B.C.), the MIC were forged. It was apparent we were at a whole other level compared to the other Cord groups right from the start. We had easily the best food (on Saturday night we eagerly feasted upon a massive, bloody, delicious pot roast...[drooling noises, similar to what Homer does, are currently emitting from my mouth]), were the best at all the games, and were just flat out superior to all others. Our name was suggested by Cord leader Jason, and since we were the only male Cord group at the time, we wanted to have both the words men and Cord in it, so Men In Cord was an easy choice. Now we had a name, and we also had a destiny.

Over the months, we had many Cord gatherings and many good times. The next major part of our history, though, comes on the shores of another lake, this time with sunny weather and football fun. This is the legend of...


ANDREW.... NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

 Now, at our youth group, the Junior High started a drama team. The only reason that slackers like Murray, Andrew and I were on it was because Jason (who was a director) threatened to slay us by nurpling us until we bled internally. After weighing these two options, we decided the drama team would be our best choice. Anyway, to make a long epic shorter, we were playing a little tackle football on the shores of... some lake (I should really have this better researched, shouldn’t I?). We were in Vernon, and I apologise to the people of Vernon for not knowing the name of your very cool lake (and it was very cool), so maybe if anyone knows the lakes of the Vernon area, maybe they could mail us them. It just might jog my memory.

So, we were playing football on the shore. On one team were MICs Murray, Andrew (Cox, just so ya know) and I. On the other team were MICs Mike and Justin, along with Cord Terminate member Bill Switzer (yes, that Bill Switzer). Brother Humeniuk, having much more football skill and experience than the rest of us put together, played quarterback for both teams.

This legend (as well as telling about “ANDREW...” etc.) tells about how I acquired the name Evenflow. I, upon getting the ball, decided to make a mockery of both the other team and myself AT THE SAME TIME (amazing, aren’t I)!!! Since the other team was made up of little guys, at least in comparison to me, (I’m about 6”2 and 170 pounds) I slowly (emphasis on the slow) spun around all their attempts to tackle me. Jason, overcome by laughter, named me Evenflow right on the spot, after my smooth movements.

Anyway, that wasn’t the most important (not to mention funny) event of the afternoon. Andrew (Cox, just so G-Money isn’t disgraced by being confused with him) decided to go to the bathroom, so we stopped the game and waited for him to go back. While we were waiting, Jason and I (and perhaps others) noticed a strange occurrence. “Wasn’t the men’s room on the left side at this beach?”, we thought. And, “Isn’t Andrew going into the one on the right?” Upon realising that Andrew was about to enter the ladies' room, we shouted with all our might (the next quote is probably the most famous in Cord lore, so make a note of it),

“AANNDDREWWW!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



Andrew, a little confused to see us screaming at him, continued his entrance, but then noticed the picture by the door. It had a skirt on it. He immediately sprinted with all his might back to us, and said (panting), “I think I’ll go later.” All of us erupted in unstoppable, roll-around-on-the-ground laughter. Andrew had to put up with that for about a month or two.

This next legend is about our greatest battle, and what (considering the circumstances) may have been our shining moment. My only regret (besides the smell in the tent) was that Jason wasn’t there to join us.

CARNAGE AT THE VBS TENT

Because this is such a key moment in the MIC’s history, I asked Andrew, Blair (Lasell, Cord X member and creator of this site), and Murray to share their interpretations of the night’s events on tape. I later typed and edited their accounts. Anyway, here it is.

First, I think I should provide a little background on the subject. The main girls involved were (Junior High leaders) Katie Betts, Naz Farrokhi, (students) Krista Lee, Emma Latheron, Lauren Hayes, Jenny Moon, Molly Betts, Farnia Farrokhi, and Fae Morris. At least I think those were all the girls involved. Anyway, some of the girls’ personalities (Emma and Lauren in particular) are hard to describe if you haven’t met them, but try to go along with the narration.

You see, for a week every summer, our church has a Vacation Bible School for the kids. They play games, sing, hear about God, etc. Junior highs usually volunteer as teachers and helpers. In the parking lot of our church was very, very, large tent, the VBS craft tent. The church needed people to guard the tent at night against vandalism, so groups would sleep in the tent at night, and have some fun along the way. It was our night to guard the tent.

The guys there were Grant (the Junior High head leader, directer-type guy), Murray, Tim Gibson, Andrew, Justin, Blair, Cam Anderson, and I. So, after some basketball fun in the church courtyard, we decided to go to 7-Eleven (sev, in our language) for some Slurpees. Grant took one car load, and would come back for the other. In that first car load (I think) were Grant (obviously), Murray, Blair, Tim, and I. We got our wonderful Slurpees, and were coming into the church parking lot.

We quickly realized that not all was well. We saw shadows running through the parking lot, and heard the other guys yelling. It was clear that the girls had come. Whatever evil possessed them to strike us when we were most vulnerable, during the precious sev run, I will never fully know.

Here are the accounts of what happened that night, divided into the separate stories of Andrew, Blair, Murray, and myself (mainly because I’m too lazy to splice them all together), from that point (when we returned from sev) on.


ANDREW’S ACCOUNT



I was alone when they came, and Justin and Tim were off somewhere being dumb. I saw them come, and decided to wait for the other guys to come back. For most of the time, I was doing little secret missions, attacking the girls and stealing their hydro weaponry. The first thing I did was to get Molly. Murray had left some Barq’s behind, and I dumped it on her head. I then stole Krista’s water gun, and shot girls with it for a while. Then me and Blair ran off to the bathroom with it, and hid it in the garbage can under some paper towels, so they wouldn’t find it. But, we were locked in there for about half an hour because the door handle fell off. We were trapped in there until Grant came with a new door handle to let us out. Then I ran out.

Oh yeah, Krista was driving away, so I shouted, “Come back here, you wimp!” and ran after her and jumped on the back of her car. Then she gunned it, and I fell off. You see, I flipped off and fell on my back. I injured myself quite badly because I wasn’t wearing a shirt. Previously I was wearing my VBS shirt, and since I would be needing it the next day (I was a VBS worker) I didn’t want it to get dirty or wet. BUT I DIDN’T CRY!!! Later on I mooned Emma. She was outside the door near the kitchen and mens’ room, banging on the window beside it, yelling “Let me in, let me in!” in a really pathetic, whiny voice. So I gave her some pressed hams.


BLAIR’S ACCOUNT




When we got back, we saw people running around, and we thought, “Now what is going on?”. We got out and we heard people yelling. So I immediately ran to the tent, and smelt this very rank smell. I ran over to my sleeping bag and skateboard, and both had SARDINES ON THEM!!! I was quite enraged. So I went after Molly, ripped off her mask, and pelted her with water balloons. Then Krista came out with her big water gun and started spraying us. So, Andrew snatched it from her and tossed it to me. Krista (who is, to my surprise, quite a fast runner) started sprinting after me. Andrew and I ran into the mens’ room. You see, the door handles of the bathroom were quite loose. And Andrew asked me to take the door handles off, and I was quite confused to what was going on.

ANDREW


You see, I knew we would be locked in if he didn’t pull the outside one off. The one on the inside had fallen off, and so I knew that if he took the outside one off, we could use it to open the door from the inside and leave when we pleased. At the same time the girls would be locked out. However, he didn’t take the outside one off.

BLAIR


So, while we were locked in, we hid the water gun in the garbage can. We waited and waited until Grant let us out. Because of this we missed much of the action.


MURRAY’S ACCOUNT




Well, when we came back, I was quite furious that the girls were there. Anyway, I saw my bike outside the tent, and I thought, “Hmmm, I can use this.” So I hopped on my bike and went around the back and found Naz’s car. It was unlocked. So Grant said, “Hey! Let’s take these grass clippings and put them in her car!” So we filled her car with grass. It was splendid! So later I found out she was allergic to grass. So that was pretty cool, as she couldn’t drive her own car home. Oh well! Later I went around to the front of the church and poured a whole bucket of water on Emma. So we were hanging around later, after it was all over, and the cops came. Then Grant had a little chat with the cops, and they went away, ‘cause Grant said “I’ll beat you up if you bug me.” [Editor’s note: not exactly] And that was about it.


CHRIS’S ACCOUNT

(that’s me!)


Upon our return from sev, we found carnage had erupted. Black shadows were running everywhere, but we knew they were girls, because they weren’t very stealth. We heard some of our fellow males screaming war cries. The battle had begun. I immediately found that the girls had put sardines on our sleeping bags!

I quickly found Farnia and dragged her back to our tent. I think Justin helped me hold her down. Anyway, I grabbed the McDonald’s Sweet ‘n Sour container that she had planned to us against us. I poured all the sauce on Farnia’s head. We continued to run around and cause carnage. Justin (in perhaps his finest hour) gave Tim $10. Tim quickly hopped on a bike and bought some shaving cream at sev. We used this and the stolen hydro weaponry (in other words, water guns) against the girls quite effectively. I also found a bag of about 15 odd water balloons that the girls planned to use against this. I used this stolen cache well, sharing it with my fellow Cord brothers and dispensing vengeance left and right.

I came to the guys’ bathroom and found that the door handle was missing and Cox and Blair were hollering from within. I’m afraid I couldn’t save them, but I waited until Grant came to liberate them.

And so, the fight began to slow down, and Grant had a chat with the cops, etc, etc, etc.

In summary, we didn’t have the resources they had. We started out with nothing (some shaving cream and two scrubby bikes!)!!! BUT WE ATTAINED THE VICTORY!!! THEY MAY PUT SEAFOOD IN OUR SLEEPING BAGS, BUT THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR FREEDOOOMMMM!!!

So, there you have it. The greatest adventures of the Men In Cord. I suppose if all our zany adventures and hilarious times were written about, the whole world wouldn’t be able to contain the books that would be written!

To read Cord X's adventures, go to The X-Files.

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