Get your own Free Home Page
1. Power lunches and working breakfasts will be replaced by elevenses and tea-breaks.
2. Program will be spelt Programme.
3. If your name is Randolph don't shorten it.
4. Thanksgiving, St Patrick's Day and Independence Day will no longer be celebrated but The Queens Birthday is compulsory.
5. Cold drinks will be served with a maximum of two ice-cubes which will not be renewable.
6. Cold drinks won't be renewed either.
7. Company cars will be similar in size to a shoe box and will have an engine with the power output of a standard hairdryer.
8. All contract or temp staff are to be Australians or New Zealanders.
9. Cowboys are dodgy housebuilders and car salesmen from Essex.
10. Indians will wear turbans not feathers.
11. Color will be spelt Colour.
12. Queens are nice old ladies who look after corgis, wayward offspring and tired old empires.
13. The London Underground is not the Hanger Lane Merger Resistance Movement just an ineffective method of travelling to work.
14. Women's make-up will be thinned down and should be applied in thirty seconds or less.
15. There will be a morning and afternoon tea break when hot tea will be served in cup and saucer.
16. Biscuits are to be "dunked" in tea NOT smothered in some white sauce erroneously called gravy.
17. The company sells petrol at the pumps NOT gasoline at the dispenser.
18. There will never, ever be enough parking spaces
19. Learn to shop at lunchtime. They're not open anytime else.
20. The word "niche" is pronounced neesh NOT nitch.
21. Pin stripe suits and old school ties are appropriate dress for executives.
22. Mail room staff uniform includes tattoos, body piercing and spiked hair.
23. Vacation entitlement is extended to fourteen and a half weeks.
24. Giggling uncontrollably at toilet humour and words like "bottom" is normal behaviour.
25. An Ass is a donkey
26. If your name is Fanny, change it!
27. The company social club's sports activities will be cricket, darts and football hooliganism
28. Rubbers may be used in the office whenever the need arises.
29. Food portions in the company canteen will be large enough to feed a small pygmy
30. You don't have to like the Spice Girls but they will appear regularly in every magazine or periodical you read
31. Foreigners will no longer hate you for being patronising but instead will hate you for being arrogant
32. Racial equality no longer extends to persons of Celtic origin
33. Offices will be 12ft x 6ft for executives
34. Offices will be 8ft x 5ft for senior managers
35. Everyone else will be shoe-horned into a small open plan space
36. It will not be air-conditioned
37. In keeping with the fine traditions of British journalism, the company newspaper will have a photo of a semi naked woman on page three and lots of juicy articles about who the receptionist is bonking
38. It's good to be pissed.
39. Polish jokes will be replaced by Irish jokes.
40. The company jet will be replaced by the company bike.
41. The receptionist will double up for the above requirement.
42. Y'all is a meaningless noise. Don't use it.
43. Even when talking about dancing, seabirds, tobacco or hairdos, don't use the word shag.
44. The restaurant will serve Spotted Dick at least twice a week.
45. All recreational alcoholic beverages will be served warm.
46. Nobody likes Fergie. At all.
47. Nobody ever did.
48. Or ever will.
49. Public and Government Affairs will be reported in the company newsletter as a useful lobbying tactic
50. Despite everyone talking about it the company does not have a site office in Wanking, China.
© 1997 michelle@michellegilders.com
Get your own Free Home Page