One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"

 
1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.

2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

5. Hmmmm....  If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

7. Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.

9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss !!

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: .

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ...  and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp.  about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

I. DOORS:
      Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.  Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
       If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.  If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING:
    If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.  Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!  First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

V. WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.  This will help their co-ordination skills.