Maria  & Antonio get married. After the reception Antonio goes upstairs to the bedroom. Maria asks her mamma whata must she do. Mamma says,"go upstairs".

Maria gets to the room and Antonio takes off his shirt revealing a well developed set of muscles. Maria says,'' Antonio whata big muscles you have, how did you get them"?   Antonio replies," I goa to the forest and all day I choppa da wood and thisa makes my muscle big". 

Maria runs down the stairs to her mamma & says," Mamma, Antonio he has sucha big muscles whata must I do". Mamma instructs her to go back to the room.  Then Antonio drops his pants and reveals a well muscled set of legs. Maria asks," Antonio where did you getta sucha bigga legs". Antonio replies, "All day I choppa the wood then I draga the trees through the forest this makes my legs big".

Maria runs down to mamma & says," Mamma, Antonio he has sucha big legs whata must I do". Mamma again tells her to go back to the room.

Then Antonio takes of his socks. Maria looks down and sees that he has no toes on his one foot, screams & runs down the stairs to mamma.  " Mamma, Mamma, Antonio he has a foot and a half whata must I do". Mamma brushes her aside saying " STEP ASIDE DAUGHTER, THIS IS A JOBBA FOR YOUR MAMMA" 

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each day, she told him this same thing.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.

She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

He said "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always did tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!!"

The day before his wedding this guy decides to play a game of baseball with his buddies. Playing shortstop he gets hit in the 'nads with a line drive.

He goes to the doctor in a lot of pain, but the doctor tells him there is nothing he can do except wrap it up. So the doc takes a few tongue depressors and wraps it in a splint.

The next night on his honeymoon his lovely wife comes to him dressed in a nightgown. Taking down the top she shows him her breasts. She proudly says "No man has ever touched these, I have been saving them for just you for tonight."

Surprised but not to be outdone, her new husband pulls down his pants and says, "Look at this, honey, still in the crate."

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"

"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded, "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."

This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So why are you complaining?"

"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."

Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."

"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing between his legs.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."

"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."

"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Work to become, not to acquire."

"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."

"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."

"Find old man in dark, not hard!"

"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."

"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."

"Man who put head on RailRoad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."

"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."

"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser."

"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."

"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Confucius say too God damn much!"

"Those who quote me are fools."

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."

"Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"

"Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."

"Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."

"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. "

"Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly. "

"Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night"

"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. "

"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok "

"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. "

"Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent"

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Minds are like parachutes. They work best when open.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

Just because you're smart does not mean the other guy is stupid.

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

Do unto others, then run.......................

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If swimming is good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

I put the fun in "dysfunctional".

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the King.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You are here: X

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw things.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.......

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1) Never tell everything you know.

Parenthood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

A piece of rope slithers in to a bar and says, "Bartender, can I have a beer please.?"

The bartender says, "Hey, you're a rope aren't you?"

"Yes," the rope replied.

"Sorry, we don't serve rope in here."

Well the rope was a little let down, but he thought that maybe if he was more assertive, he'd have better luck.

He slithers in to the next bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer over here."

The bartender says, "Hey, you're a rope aren't you?  We don't serve rope in here."

Well the rope was really dejected. As he slithered down the street, he ran into some friends and told them of the trouble he was having.

One friend had an idea, so they tied the rope into a knot. They also frayed the ends of the rope. Now he was looking tough and mean. He went into the next bar, pounds on the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer over here,"

The bartender says, "Hey, you're a rope aren't you?"

The rope says, "No, I'm afraid not."

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?  You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..."

"Well, all right, three times..."

"Three, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...  Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me....  So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and care for you until you were in good shape again...  Well...."

"Oh my god!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife...  To do such a thing, you must really love me darling...  I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation....  And you were 47 votes short...."

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.  The very next day,  Herb showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

The head lumberjack took one look at him and told him to leave.

"Just give me  a chance to show you what I can do," he said.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.  "Take your axe and go cut it down."

So Herb headed for the tree, and in five minutes was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," He  said.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest,"  He replied.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the Head Lumberjack.

And then Herb laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it NOW!"

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.   Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

His dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me "capitalism".  Your mom, she's in charge of the family budget, so we'll call her the "government". We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the "people". Now, the nanny, she works for us so we'll consider her to be the "working class". And your baby brother, we'll call him the "future".  Do you understand it now?"

"I'm not sure", Billy replied.

"Well why don't you think about it for awhile and we'll talk about it again in the morning."

So Billy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has pooped in his diaper.  So Billy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. 

The next morning, Billy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."  The father says, "That's good Billy. In your own words tell me what you think politics is all about". Billy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do.

One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time.

The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up.  But it didn't.  He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover!

Bill's phone rang, it was Bob.  Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"I feel great!" replied Bill.

"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?"

"No.  That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover.  We ought to do this more often!"

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No..."

"Well, don't, because I'm in Melbourne!"

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He knew what it was.  "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!"  said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard.  Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.  Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."  Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were  still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.  And one last one for you.  That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all  jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, with the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.

  The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her.   Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in.  The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined.  The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe.  What happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else!  She invited me back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.