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This page was last updated on: April 16, 1998
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.
"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
The golf pro trying to teach the young miss the proper stance and swing, had somehow gotten his zipper tangled in the back of her shorts. After many unsuccessful attempts to free it, the embarrassed couple lock-stepped to the clubhouse for assistance.
A German Shepherd laying on the lawn jumped up, got the garden hose and turned it on them.
Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me the hell alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing G-string...
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
His Italian uncle - Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh
MARRIED 12 TIMES
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle... I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
The bride responds...
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great!"
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically "okay", but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, "Those who can... do; those who can't... teach."
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!"
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, I know I'm really going to get screwed.
A WW2 American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a boat to a supply base in the south of England, then took a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not locate a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for a place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a older proper looking British lady with a small dog sitting in the seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat," he asked.
The woman insulted him, saying, "You Americans are so rude. Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
The exhausted man walked through the train again and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs. I even have a couple at home. I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down."
The snooty woman replied, "You Americans are not only rude, but you are also arrogant!"
He leaned against the wall for a time, utterly exhausted and finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I just please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant but you are also obnoxious."
Hearing her comment, the soldier calmly stepped forward, picked up the dog, threw it out the window. Then he sat down where the dog had been Sitting. The lady was awestruck and speechless.
Across the isle, an older neatly dressed Englishman spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all Americans fit the lady's description of you, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, sir," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he has walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you have come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Defactualization"
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
"Law of Volunteer Labour"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for the ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness", Says the golfer and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "well you caught me fair and square. I am a Leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walked away.
Watching the golfer depart, the Leprechaun thinks, "well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. "I'll give him three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course. At the 16th hole, he gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he's doing. The Leprechaun says, "I'm fine and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The Leprechaun says, "I did that for you and might I ask how your money is holding out." The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The Leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you and might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week. The Leprechaun is floored and stammers, "once or twice a week!" The golfer, a little embarrassed looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.
They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole.
So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups.
He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out.
Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.
She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.
Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"
The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussy Willows."
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Cats... the other white meat.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynaecologist.'"
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