If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846,
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860,
John F Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy,
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were called Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808,
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839,
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse,
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland,
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe!

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed  his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the  air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he  told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A,  they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was  setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia  they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his  beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was  setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada  we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one  twice.

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?  Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.  What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?  Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who carefully closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him.  He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you.  I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.  Riding away a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.  "I want it  known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down next to a priest on a subway. The priest noticed the man's tie had food stains, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. The drunk began reading his newspaper, but, within a few minutes he turned to the priest and said "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with loose women, too much alcohol, and a complete comtempt for your fellow man."

The drunk shakes his head sorrowfully and turns back to his newspaper.

A minute later, the priest nudged the man and said apologetically "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have come on so strong. Tell me my son, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading in the newspaper that the Pope does."

One day, there is a fly flying over a pond.  In the pond there is a fish, and this fish is thinking: 'If that fly drops 4 inches, I could eat the fly!'

Then there is a bear, and the bear is thinking: 'If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will jump up to get the fly and I'll get the fish!'

Then there is a hunter, and the hunter is thinking: 'If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will jump up to get the fly, the bear will grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear!'

Then there is a mouse, and the mouse is thinking: 'If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will jump to get the fly, the bear will grab the fish, that hunter will shoot the bear, and that piece of cheese in the hunter's pocket will fall and I'll get the cheese!'

Then there is a cat, and the cat is thinking: 'If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will jump to get the fly, the bear will grab the fish, that hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will grab the cheese and I'll get the mouse!' 

Well, all this happens: The fly falls 4 inches, the fish jumps and eats the fly. The bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear. The cheese falls out of the hunter's pocket, and the mouse eats it, and the cat leaps for the mouse, but something goes wrong and the cat falls in the pond. 

And the moral of the story is: 'When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet!'

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.  A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.  The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." 

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." 

The manager okayed the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.  You think on you feet and we like that around here.  Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

"Oh really?  Why did you leave Canada" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Canada!!"

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.  They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.  The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again.  I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk  about our sex lives in public|"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

The Englishwoman was on a bus in Calcutta. She sat behind two local gentleman who were in an animated conversation.

Raji says " No, no, no.  That is not so.  I have studied at the university and I tell you with some authority - it is spelt "W-O-M-M-B-B"

Bishen retorts "My scholarly friend, do not try and tell me this rubbish I have read many books and seen it written many times - it is spelt "W-H-O-O-M-B"

Unable to contain herself, the Englishwomen leans forward and pipes in "Excuse me - I am both a woman and English - it is spelt W-O-M-B."

Both Indians look at her with total disdain and Raji says indignantly: "My dear lady.... you have probably never seen a water buffalo much less heard one break wind"

A butcher is working, and really busy.  He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away.  Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.  So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.  Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.  They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus.  The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.  Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.  The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.  Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus.  The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.  He walks up the path,  and drops the groceries on the step.  Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door.  He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself  -whap!- against the door again!  There's no answer at the door,  so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.  He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times.  He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.  The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy.  "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"  To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye.  This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

TORTOISE

A tortoise staggered into a police station.. stunned, dusty, bruised.. and lacking his shell.

The cop said, "What happened to you?", and the tortoise replied, "I was attacked by three snails.  They stole my shell!"

"What did they look like?"

"I don't know. It all happened a bit quick for me.. "

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a frog on his head.  The surprised shrink asks, "How may I help you?  The frog replies, "I can't cope with this thing that's stuck to my rear!"

A certain white whale and a tiny herring were inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale went in search of food, the herring was sure to go.

One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion.  Naturally, all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.

"How should I know?" the herring replied. "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.  The first thing He said to them was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit?  Really?  Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break.  He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve must have children of their own. Thus was the pattern set, and it has never changed.  But there is a certain reassurance here.  If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't absorbed it, don't be too hard on yourself.  If God had trouble handling His children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address: 286 words
American Declaration of Independence: 1,322 words
U.S. government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

REPORTER: What do you think about global warming?
ESKIMO: I'm for it.

I went to see the slasher movie "Scream 2" last night.  It's a good film, but the guy sitting behind me ruined it.  He kept complaining, "Oh, that's not real" and "That's not how you do it" and "Gimme a break, you don't hold a knife that way!"

Finally I turned around and said, "Dammit, O.J., will you please SHUT UP?"

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 2+2).  Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to Face cancer.

I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

My kid had sex with your honour student.

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

Help wanted -- telepathy: you know where to apply.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

When there's a Will, I want to be in it!

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvellous myself.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.