RELATIONSHIPS :
First of all, a man does not call it a relationship-he refers to it as "that  time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi- regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never  forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX :
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.

MATURITY :
Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can function as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES :
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.  Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING :
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, coloured stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY :
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favourite Stooge.  The women will roll their eyes and and wait it out.

BATHROOMS :
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste,  shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES :
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES :
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit , then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

GOING OUT :
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS :
Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING :
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS :
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh, gee.  That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP :
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN :
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LAUNDRY :
Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS :
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

SOCKS :
Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES :
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT :
.. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS :
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.  Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE :
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE :
Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman can  visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS :
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.  Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES :
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE :
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA :
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS :
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS :
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS :
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS :
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES :
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES :
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is >because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELLERY :
Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS :
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME :
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION :
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie," "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size," "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS :
Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS :
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

1. .. Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
   Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
   Male: Food, sex and beer.

2. Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
   Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
   Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

3. Butt (but) n.
   Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
   Male: The organ used for mooning (and farting).

4. Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
   Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
   Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

5. Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
   Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
   Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

6. Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
   Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
   Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

7. Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
   Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
   Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

8. Making love (may-king luv) n.
   Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
   Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

9. Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
   Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
   Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. Taste (tayst) v.
    Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
    Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car changed the world.

As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang with Adam, the first man." So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

Adam says yes.

"Well", says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm", says Adam, "hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

If Men Were To Re-Write "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived!