A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's most private parts. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carry her to the car. They make a mad dash to the doctor, desperate for help.

The doctor, after examining her, concludes that the wasp is lodged too far in to remove with forceps. He suggests to the husband that he entice it out by putting honey on his manhood, making love to his wife, and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, the poor husband has difficulty rising to the occasion. The doctor, being the kind soul that he is, offers to perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree, fearful that the wasp will do damage if the situation is left unresolved. The doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey and instantly gets an erection. He begins to plunge into the wife.

However, he doesn't stop and withdraw, but continues with unabated vigour. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening? What are you doing?"

The doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard instead!!!

Business was bad for Tom's company so he had to lay off one of his staff. He felt terrible about the whole thing and just couldn't decide on which one to let go.  It had to be either Jack or Mary.

Finally he just decided that the first one to get up and go to the water cooler would be the unfortunate one.  As luck would have it, this turned out to be Mary.  So Tom walked up to her and said:  "Mary, I'm either going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"Well," says Mary, "you're just going to have to jack off because I've got a friggin' headache."

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.

A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.

After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.

This continued all night; each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a  cat, and each time it was the cats turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.

"Well", says the man "I found this lamp that had washed up on the beach. As I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish.  I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
  45 minutes.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"  The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

So they found Adolf Hitler. That's the good news.  The bad news is that they're going to try him in Los Angeles.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The tightness of your grip.

How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.>

What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

What's another term for lesbian?
Vagitarian

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

-2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
-2 French men and 1 French woman
-2 German men and 1 German woman
-2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
-2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere .....

-The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
-The 2 French men and the French woman are having a "menage a trois"
-The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
-The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
-The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander.  He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

An inexperienced guy took a girl home to her apartment where she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not really knowing how to explain she said " I'll put my head between your legs and you put yours between mine"

Willing to give it a try but still unsure he agreed but just as he got  his head between her legs she let out a riproaring fart!.

"What the hell was that!" he said

"Ooops sorry lets try it again" she said.

On the second attempt the same thing happened so the guy got up and started getting dressed.

The girl asked "Where are you going?"

At which the guy replied "Well if you think I'm hanging around for another 67 of those you're mistaken"

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the  front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have  sex with him.

The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at  the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, "said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.

When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to  work on the nun.

After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"

Little Johnnie was in class and his teacher asked him a question,  "Johnnie, there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one with your BB gun, how many birds are left on the fence?"

Little Johnnie replies, "None."

The teacher asks "How did you arrive at that answer?"

He replies, "Well, if I hit the one bird with my gun, the others would be scared and fly off."

The teacher says, "Well Johnnie, the correct answer is 3 birds left on the fence; but I like the way you think."

Johnnie says, "Teacher, can I ask you a question?"

She replies, "Sure."

He says, "Three women are sitting in the park eating ice cream. One is using a spoon, one is biting the ice cream and one is  slowly licking her ice cream.  Which one is married?"

The teacher  flushes with embarrassment but replies, "The one licking the ice cream?"

Johnnie replies, "No, the one with the wedding band, but I like the way you think."

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.  The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right  testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you? "In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"  The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured  I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.  I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound  right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around."

Three old men in the nursing home were talking about the exciting times they had been through. One said his most memorable experience was when he was a fireman and the women's college dormitory had caught on fire and he had to catch scantily-clad co-eds jumping from windows.

The second man said he most exciting time was when he was a deputy sheriff and had a shoot-out with some of the John Dillinger gang.

The third man said his most exciting time was when he was an undertaker and was called to a hotel to pick up a deceased man. He said when he went into the room, he noticed the man on his back with a big erection and since he didn't want to take the man through the hotel lobby in that condition, he hit him hard on the erection with the base of a lamp. Then he paused in his story.

The first man asked, "What was so exciting about that?"

The third man replied, "I was in the wrong room."

There is an old hillbilly couple a sittin' on their porch, just a rockin'. It's their anniversary, and they've been married 60 years. They're just a sittin' and a rockin'.

Suddenly, the old lady looks over at the old man and hits him so hard she knocks him clean out of his rocker and he falls on the porch. He pulls himself up and clambers back into the rocker and asks, "What the heck was THAT for?!"

"That's for 60 years of lousy sex!" she replies.

So they sit there for a time longer, not sayin' anything, just a rockin', and suddenly the old man looks over at his old wife, and gives her a shove so hard it knocks her right out of her rocker. She shakes herself off, and scrambles into her rocker again, and says, "What the heck was THAT for?"

And he replies, "That's for knowin' the difference!"

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."

A man walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall. The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says "Make a woman out of me". He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies "Iron that".

This guy's wife wakes him up in the middle of the night to tell him she has chest pains. She is barely 35, quite trim and beautiful, and otherwise healthy. He takes her to the nearest hospital to get checked out.

He paces around the waiting room for 45 minutes. Finally a doctor comes out and says, "Your wife has Acute Angina!"

"I know," says the guy. "But what about the chest pains?"

A young woman was preparing for her wedding.

She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out "I told you not to peek!"

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar, but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he asks to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the customer turns to the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish, and she was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis", she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven", St. Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's penis", she replied.

"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven" , he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"

She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".--His buddy said " I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled". So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"- "Yes, I did" said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"