News in brief

Basinger Banned!

A council has banned Kim Basinger from appearing on the wall of a car park attendant (either in poster form, or in real life) after female customers branded her offensive. The poster showed Kim fully clothed, but with a small amount of cleavage on display. We spoke to the poster in question and it had this to say

"Hey, I'm just a poster... I don't mean to offend people... but sometimes, you know, people just rub me up the wrong way - and before you know it, we're having a bit of a tussle in the park..."

Our reporter then set out to interview Kim Basinger's cleavage... but was arrested after drooling too much.

Cola Music Bank Flys (undone?)

Richard Branston, famous pickle maker, has announced his latest venture. A huge big cola bank whereby all Virgins can come together as one and gain high levels of interest. When questioned, he reportedly said

"I wish you people would get your facts right and stop making up such stupid stuff - ptang! ptang! ptang!"

Government cracks down on smokers!

After proof that passive smoking can kill, the government aims to come in hard on people who provide a huge chunk of treasury money. They aim to cut smoking in public places, ban smoking in the workplace, and smack the botties of those caught lighting up.

We spoke to a concerned smoker who had this to say

"Remember WWII. That was all about someone attacking... killing off a minority and that's what we have here. Those in power are choosing to destroy us normal people by taking away our few pleasures... first, we have smoking... then we'll have beer... how long can it be before we turn into vegetating zombies incapable of rational thought?"

Health Minister, Tessa Jowell had this to say

"There is overwhelming evidence that people want smoking banned and we are responding to public opinion... of course our ultimate aim is world domination... did I say world domination? I meant a better world for all of us..."

New Law Laws to be introduced

Legal aid. That thing which means the very, very rich can sue whoever they like, and likewise, the very, very poor can too slap legal claims on whatever they see fit -whilst the normal person in the street earns too much - and yet too little to gain L.A. is about to change.

We asked the man on the street how this would effect him and this is what he said

"Got any change mate... hey... I know you, you're that poncy reporter type that hangs out in the red light district and seems to go for those really ug...."

...unfortunately, he was rather drunk at the time and made little or no sense at all. So we spoke to the woman on the street...

"...so its a fiver for a quick hand, tenner for oral, and thirty with all the trimmings... "

but the police, as always, turned up and put a stop to our interview. I guess this just goes to show what a bad thing this is - especially if it isn't a good one.