My Story cont…

This is the third "story" that I have written about my life…

It was written on Sept.12, 1997.

By writing this, I am risking criticism in my decision, and perhaps even

disappointment or dis-like, but I feel that I need to talk for a moment, and

explain what has been going on in my life.

As most of you know, I have started university, and that has certainly not

been without difficulty. However, before I got here, I lost a couple of close

friends both on the computer and off, which, whether you believe it or not,

has affected me deeply. My family and I have also not been getting along well,

mainly because I have focused so hard on hiding what I am going thru from

them. They have no idea, THAT I am sure of. But it has not been easy. My

parents are un-supportive in that they believe only in getting on with life and not

looking at anything that has happened in the past. That will never change with

them and so I have had to look at myself and try to convince myself that yes, I

can make intelligent decisions involving my well-being, and that yes, parents

are occasionally =) wrong.

Now, there a quite a few of you here who have not seen the progress that I

have made lately and so I will tell you a little bit about it. Although I have dealt

with this virtually alone, I think that I have come leaps and bounds. I worked

thru a lot of things in my head, and wrote many of them down on paper. I

looked deep into my soul and discovered myself. I learned to trust more than

I ever dreamed was possible. I learned to love. I learned to talk and to be

more open. I learned to be honest. I learned also that I am capable of

supporting others and in return have received their love and support, an

immeasurable 'bonus'. I like to help others. I have learned about strength, and

I have learned much about that from the people here. I have learned to listen

to myself, and have begun believing in myself. I learned a lot about the inner

child inside me and that was a tremendous and difficult discovery...I have also

experienced more pain, more triumph, more love, more support and more

disappointment than I ever thought possible.

I want those of you who know me and who care, those of you who I know

and who I care deeply for, to know that the slump I have been in for the last

week has not been constant. I want you to know that I have made

progress...that I have experienced happiness...

However, the last two days have left me feeling like I am in a million pieces..I

have NEVER ever felt as lost as I have over these past two days. I have felt

extremely alone, having no one to confide in, no one who understands. I have

no one to hold me when I am scared, no one who loves me for me. I have

never met anyone that cares for me very deeply and who wants only the best

for me. I am hoping they are out there. I have questioned myself for hours on

end the last two days. I have been looking for the answers within myself as I

know no one else can give them to me. I have been frustrated, tossed upon

the wind, confused, and extremely suicidal. I called up a girl on our floor at

1:30am this morning and asked her if I could come sleep on her floor...I don't

even know her that well…but it was the only thing I knew to do to keep me

from killing myself last night. It has felt very hopeless. I have been unable to

concentrate, to work, to feel, to hope, to care, to do anything really. I slept all

day yesterday, skipped classes and all. I put on a beautiful facade for those

around me. The sad truth is they do not know me well and it is simply unfair

to throw your problems on them if and when they ask. I refuse to hurt anyone

in the simple hope of feeling better for ten minutes. That isn't going to work

and I know that. But it has been hard. I haven't been able to eat over the past

two days till tonight. Till I made this decision. I am not saying it is concrete

and final but it is my decision for now. I believe that the best thing I can do for

myself right now is to get on with my life. I don't mean to forget what

happened necessarily but that I cannot spend this much time of my life

'healing' like this. I have lived thru the memories, the flashbacks, the thoughts,

the feelings, the pain, and all of the seemingly real parts of memories of sexual

abuse. I have pulled these all out of my head and looked at them and felt the

pain. Therefore, there is nothing left for me to do with them. It is impossible to

throw them out. That simply won't work. I think now that they are no longer

in a closet per say, but in a drawer. They are not hidden. They ARE hidden to

everyone else around me, but not to me and I think that is most important. I

can't live with them out in a room that I call my heart tho either...every time I

close my eyes then I will see them. So I am going to put them in a drawer

now. And that drawer can always be opened. And that drawer is not so dark

as that closet. But it is MY drawer and I can open it and close it and therefore

no one else has to look inside that particular drawer either...and that's

important to me. As I said, this drawer is not locked...and one day, when I

meet someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with...I feel certain that I

will let them look inside this drawer...that will be important…it will be hard, but

not impossible, cause a drawer is easier to open than a big dark closet door.

I think that my healing has come as far as it will for now…and I think that my

body has tried to tell me that by disrupting my life entirely and making me

physically ill for the last two days. I have listened to my body, and it has told

me what I have written above. It took me a couple days, but I got the

message. If I leave this stuff open in my heart, it is going to kill me because of

the strength of the pain it carries. There is no room for it in my heart...but I

can make room for it in a drawer. I hope by my explanation that you have

understood that I am not 'burying' this. That was the purpose of this

explanation, to let you know that. I have thrown 9 months into my healing, full

force, devoting everything that I have to it, living thru more ups and downs

than many people do in a lifetime. I think too that maybe I have done it a little

quicker...but no one has the same amount of time for healing and no one heals

the same and ends up in the same place. I am here now and I think this is

where I have to be.. I believe with all my heart I think that this is true...I really

and truly have devoted myself to my healing lately and have worked extremely

hard at it...reading, learning, facing and conquering all the barriers I have

come across along the way…I think that after writing this, my mind, my heart,

my soul, my body, will be satisfied...they all want happiness...and freedom

and love and the freedom to be an eighteen year old woman, rather than an

eighteen year old mental case. I think I am ready to be that person...I love

you all so dearly and I thank you all for your support and love and help. I

believe that I will probably be around, I cannot say how soon, nor how late,

to support others as I have been supported...but at the immediate moment...I

need a break...my body is screaming for one...I have worked it to death...I

want to be able to help others again but first, I need I think a little time to

adjust to this 'new' life and to get accustomed to it...I need a little rest...but, I

want more than anything to be supportive to you all...and I believe that I will

be able to do that, hopefully soon, as a healthy, happy person...I believe that

my immediate journey in healing is over. I have dealt with all that has been

thrown at me right now and there is nothing left to do but enjoy what I have

worked for...this is what my body has told me...I am quite sure that in life,

other challenges in dealing with this abuse will be thrown at me, so my

'journey' is perhaps not over...but the climb up the mountain for now is...and I

am going to enjoy the view...the other challenges will hopefully be

simpler hills to climb and conquer...

I love you all dearly...

Please…believe in and love yourself as much as I do....

Thinking of you...

Much love, always…

I'm planning on having this story continue…when I take the time to write…