FRAMED?? Click here!

Writers Corner

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What's a boomerang that don't work?
A stick.

What has 4 legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

• Daylight savings time gives us an extra hour of daylight each day. Will it help corn grow or cause it to dry out? Does it mess up the weather? Yesterday the wind blew so hard a chicken laid the same egg 3 times.
• Sometimes when you dig a hole and put the dirt back in you have more dirt than you took out and sometimes you don't have enough dirt to refill the hole. Does the moon's phase have anything to do with it?
• Time is usually counted after the fact. At missile launches it's counted before the fact. In history BC years came before the fact, AD years came after. In BC days did clocks (if they had them) run backward?
• If toast always lands butter side down and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strap buttered toast on a cat's back and dropped them both?
• Many people are surnamed Brown, Black, White, Gray, Green. Why not Red, Orange, Yellow, Purple, Pink or other colors?
• Is it true there's not a square inch of dirt anywhere on Earth that has not at one time or another passed through an earthworm?
• Tell a man there's 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• Do houseflies sense danger? Pick up a fly swatter, the fly takes off before even seeing it.
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Ever get so drunk that when you put money in the jukebox, a pack of Marlboros falls out?
• Could East Coast people stop a hurricane if they all turned on fans outside pointed east?
• Is it true lobster tails you order in restaurants are actually separate creatures?
• Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
• If the universe is everything, and the universe is expanding, what's it expanding into?
• Why do banks charge non-sufficient funds fees on money they know you don't have?
• If it's zero degrees out today and twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Is there an implied time limit on fortune cookie predictions? If so, how long?
• After you peel an orange, why is it sliced ready to eat? Whose idea was it?
• Why is so hard to perceive a steady state of the universe instead of a Big Bang?
• Why do people find other people's golf balls in the woods but never their own?
• If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to see it, do other trees make fun of it?
• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• How does deodorant have its own scent? Why doesn't it wipe itself out?
• If a tin whistle is made of tin (and it is), what is a fog horn made of?
• If dogs are so useful why aren't they sold in vending machines?
• What would chairs look like if your knees bent the other way?
• Is Pop Goes the Weasel the song most often played backward?
• Must one always begin at the beginning and not at the end?
• How fast do you have to run on water to keep from sinking?
• If a dictionary word is misspelled, how would we know?
• What do tweetie birdies see when knocked unconscious?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why is it called rush hour when cars barely move?
• How do Don't Walk on the Grass signs get there?
• Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
• Did anyone ever forget how to ride a bicycle?
• If it's a circular drive, how do you get out?
• What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why does sour cream have a "use by" date?
• When a bank is sold who gets the money?
• Do cats and dogs have regional accents?
• Is all this evolution worth it?
• How do we percieve infinity?
• How do we figure chances?
• Why is water wet?

• What do you mean you haven't _______ since the LAST time??
• Well, okay, that's the GOOD news. What's the BAD news??
• What was that noise in the kitchen???
• Why is Bill running down the street??
• How many times have I told you not to
• Tell me, when WAS the last time you
• Are you SURE this is the way to
• Oh NO! And what did HE say??
• Oh NO! And what did SHE say??
• Well, why DIDN'T you

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
____________ ___________
Yeah, _______________?

RULES OF RECOGNITION

• Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
• Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
• It's wrong to ever split an infinitive.
• Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
• Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
• Be more or less specific.
• Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
• Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
• No sentence fragments.
• Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
• Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
• NEVER generalize.
• Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
• Don't use no double negatives.
• Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
• One-word sentences? Eliminate.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• The passive voice is to be ignored.
• Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
  Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
• Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
• Kill all exclamation points!!!
• Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
• Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
• Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
• Eliminate quotations.
  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
• If you hear it once you hear it 1000 times:
  Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
• Puns are for children, not groan readers.
• Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
• Even if a mixed metaphor sings it should be derailed.
• Who needs rhetorical questions?
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

E-mail me here at Geocities

Home Poets IWorlds Electronics Awards Store

Capitol Hill Times Square Rodeo Drive

Your home on the Web