Stoned

I mean these things are huge. Solid. Massive. Weighs a helluva lot more than a ton. A Solid immovable chunk of granite on the move.

These things grab my imagination as sources of fun and amusement....

• Buy a book on sculpture, a hammer and a stone work chisel. Advertise in the Sunday newspaper "The complete Teach Yourself Sculpture kit, R100.00 contact ...."
• When victim orders kit, arrive with truck plus massive granite block, roll video camera, knock on door and say, "Here is your instruction manual, hammer and chisel... Where do want the stone?"
• If they temporise, get shirty and leave it on their driveway.

Variants are possible...

• In this country "funeral" schemes are quite popular. The idea is as you approach your end, you invest a small monthly sum with a funeral parlour. This prepays your funeral expenses, removing the burden from your dependents. (And ensuring a decent burial.)
• Find some bod that is investing thusly....
• Arrive one day with truck and stone saying you're from the undertakers, here is his tombstone, where does he want to store it?
• If he temporises proceed as before...

For this one, your need the aid of a friendly Do It Yourself building supply store...

• When victim orders a load of gravel....
• Appear at his door with block and hammer and chisel...

Modern art has been a great source of giggles for everyone for decades...

• Chisel an artists signature on the bottom right corner of the block.
• Deliver block really very close to, but not quite blocking the doorway of a municipal or government building. (Portly pillars of society must have to really squeeze to get in...)
• If anybody asks you what you're doing or orders you to desist, tell them you were told to put the new sculpture here.
• If they persist in their demands. Show them a neatly printed paper ordering you to place the sculpture "Poetry in Motion" at said location. Proceed with off-loading.

If the city fathers take legal steps against you, remove it whilst moaning copiously to the local newspapers about being "misunderstood", "unappreciated", "heathens", "actions were only undertaken out of civic pride" etc.

Of course, the last joke should be, umm, "on me", I would love one of these things as my tombstone for when I snuff it...

• Inscribe block with the epitaph, 'Here lies John Carter. "Excuse me if I don't get up."'

However, a tad of circuitry to detect passes-by during the witching hours and a bit of sturdy hydraulics under the block could supply some light entertainment for my descendents....

Nah! Too complicated. It would be better just to spread a rumour that I was determined to "take it all with me" and was buried with a huge treasure....

The activity of placing a number of booby traps around the coffin, (stink bombs, luminous paint spray bombs, demon howlers, goblin laugh bags, etc. etc.) could cheer my mourners immensely while they prepare my grave for the treasure seekers...

Comments, queries and conversation.

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