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I was going to date these entrys, but that might not be a good idea, someone might figure out who I was from what I talk about on a certain date, like, the guy said he was getting chemo on wednesday I wonder if it's that guy *there*? OK so I'm paranoid. Anyway, I will do these in cronological order, not that it really matters because it's just my thoughts anyway and my thoughts have usually been out of order, you can tell by the way I fucked up my life. I found out that I had cancer last june. I didn't tell anybody, just went about my business, nobody keeps track of me so I had the cobalt or whatever and noone suspected not even my girl friend at the time. We always made love in the dark so she didn't see the lines they made on my chest and shoulder and hips. Not that we made love much, we were pretty much at the end of our thing anyway. She was a real bimbo but she made me feel good when we first started. I'm almost glad that the sex part of my life is over. It was a lot of trouble anyway, but enjoyable. I'm impotent now (I think, I haven't tried it) and I don't miss it much. I haven't even thought about sex for 3 months probably. The chemo has done me in there. Chemo- sick shit. I'm about done with the last of it though. It's about the middle of December now. All the docs can do for me if this last round doesn't work is give me pain pills. Actually, a nurse will give me injections, they work a lot better. And I smoke dope, not much, but it takes the edge off of the chemo a lot. Another reason why I need to be anonymous. I can just see me spending my last days in the county jail on drug charges! I'm still pretty well off financially, so I can afford to have everything I need here in my cabin at the lake. When it gets to be necessary, I'll have a nurse around the clock. Sometimes I get really lonely here by myself. But I'm too hard to live with unless I pay someone, and even then it's hard on them. I don't really try to be, it just works out that way. The guy that does the HTML comes over to get the disks and he's been looking at me funny lately. YEAH YOU! I don't think that he knew what he was getting into? He's doing a fine job, though. I don't know diddly-shit about computers, but I'm not afraid of them like most guys my age. But this guy could *be* a computer if he would just try a little harder. I don't mean that in a bad way at all, he knows this shit in and out, like I know real estate and investments. Plus he has the patience to teach an old man like me. I can't wait to see these on the net. I hate to up and die just when the world gets smart. The net is probably the best thing to ever happen in the world. Anyone with just a little bit of money can learn everything that there is to know about the world on his computer. I have found out how to grow marijuana on the net! No, not grow it on the net, but in my basement. I could if I needed to, but I'm pretty well connected. I don't have time to learn, but I know I could if I wanted to. I kind of understated my *cabin* here on the lake. It was one of the first really smart RE moves I made, and I've built it up over the years. I've got a nice covered dock and a boat house with a bass boat (Ranger) and a 24 foot pontoon. There are a few guys down here with cabin cruisers but I always thought that they were too ostentatious and too much money. Computers: I've got three networked now. One on the covered dock, one in the bedroom (where I am now, overlooking the lake- it's drizzlin' rain!) and one in the great room, again looking out over the lake. I don't really know why I have them all hooked together, I just carry my disk around in my pocket anyway. Well, it's good for games I guess. I have a housekeeper who fixes me food and stays hidden the rest of the time. She avoids me which is OK because I don't want to run her off. She's never got paid so much for doing so little in her life! But my life is simple now, relatively speaking. I read and surf the net. Watch TV constantly, I mean the TVs are always on, I sometimes watch them. I don't eat much, no appetite right now. The last ful meal I ate was thanksgiving, when I stuffed myself after my xwife and daughter left. My daughter. She's an emigma. She brought the boys out and they tear up the house and mess up the computers while she sits and talks to me. She makes no sense at all. I wonder how she can drive. Too much dope at too young an age, I guess. Her mother didn't care and I wasn't there. After the dope she got religion. We don't talk about it any more, I threw her out once too often, so she keeps her clam shut about it. The last time she was here she told me 'god loves you daddy' and I glared at her so hard it made her cry. What pisses me off is not that she tries to convert me but that she actually believes the bullshit. The closer I get to dying the more I resent every minute I spent in church and every dollar I gave the bloodsucking preacher/con men. I'm just rambling now, time to close up shop and get to bed. I'm going to try to catch some crappie in the morning, a friend is coming over to help me. |