Mah Comeuppetance

Othah than that, Ah don' much want to talk `bout it.. But I gotta.

Ah have embarrassed Bob a bit too much, both deliberate laik an' jus' by lettin' mah gums flap without thinkin' at people. An' then Ah got lil' too frisky an' tried to Top Bob. Didn't work.

Ah have been chastised. Ah undahstan' that it's just an' all an' they woulda let me off with jus' what they did to me in response to what Ah tried to do (Ah shall draw a veil ovah both things, weren't ver' pretty, either one...) , but when Ah saw that everdamnbody was glad `bout what happened to me, Ah realized Ah wasn't jus' bein' picked on, Ah realized Ah'd been' steppin' on folks an' not hearin' the yelps.

So Ah've taken th' collar foah a while. Some o' you will know what that means, some o' you won't, an' thas' the way Ah want it jus' now. Ah'll be allright, nobody gonna change me none; ah' jus' need some time to think on mah sins.

In heah, it's awful hard to lie to yo'self, you see. Ah'm unusually talented, so Ah managed foah quite a while. But aftah mah chastisement, they all jus' showed me how Ah've been slightin' an' hurtin' folks; talkin' down to `em; belivin' Ah'm a special case, `cause Ah'm a twin an' not an' alter, treatin' mah brothah - All the Bobs an' most oah all o' the alters - laik brain damage cases that Ah kin kick aroun' ifn' they's messin' up.

Thing is, Ah'm raight often `nuff foah them to let me do it; hell, they want me to do it, but they's a might sick o' bein' kicked an' laughed at.

An Ah swear, Ah didn't realize. Ah jus' feel sick `bout it all.

This will stay up heah until Betty-Pauline says Ah can take it down. Hope it won' be too long, but could be tomorrow, could be nex' yeah. An' Ah'm ok with that. Not ver' happy `bout it, but ok.

Mistress says Ah can go free an' have all mah hair back when Ah get three `o these. Ah earned one by postin' this. Lord know how Ah'll have to earn th' othah two. Prolly be even moah humiliatin'. Mistress says that expressin' humility ain't humiliatin' but Ah sure don' feel that to be true. Guess Ah'll learn though.

Ah understand this-all a bit bettah now. Theah is a method in ouah madness, though woudn't blame nobody ifn' they thought Ah - n' all o' us, really, was ofn' ouah rockahs.

Thing though, we is sadomasochists. Some of us ah bettah compensated than othas, thas' mah problem. But to `splain, Ah gotta go back to th' begnnin' an' it's a mite difficult to believe.

Y'see, ohah fathah murdered us when we was `bout seven an' a half weeks along, bes' as Ah kin' recon. He beat th' livin' hell outta th' mothah, with special `tention paid to th' belly!

Why? Who th' hell knows? Pure meanness? Tryin' to cause a miscarrage? It was nevah, evah talked `bout. Far as Ah know, Ah'm th' only one knows anything `bout it atal.

But thing was, mah placenta was dislodged an' Ah starved to death, pretty bad hurt, too. Bob was too, but Ah was on top (Startin' a lifelong tradition!) an' took th' brunt of it. So they `borted me an' Bob was born alone - oah so everone thought. But bein' a twin an' not bein' born yet... well, theys' possiblities that exist than that nevah do latah. Ah moved into his head at th' moment of mah death. Not that Ah realized that foah yeahs, oah him foah a lot moah yeas, but it's the truth of it, believe it oah don't.

Ah could be deludin' mahself, makin' up some grand story to justify mah existance - `ceptin' ifn' you think that, you's a pure idiot oah you don' know me ver' well. Ah ain't nevah felt th' need to justify anythin', much less mah own reality. Without gettin' graphic, Ah have even _less_ reason to doubt it now an' th' whole Firewheel has had it's nose rubbed in mah tears o' misery, so their doubts are fadin' too.

But still, this-all what I'm sayin', moah than what Ah'm feelin, it's a bit of a square pill to swallow foah them. Ah mean, Ah belive, Ah was theah; but th' rest o' th' system has problems belivin' that ouah fathah raped me to sleep mos' ever' night, in th' mos' demeanin' an hurtful ways he could `magine.

`Cause you see, didn't rape nobody else an' ifn' he messed with the body atal, that ain't somethin' that's come up yet.

Woudn't surprise us none, y'unnerstan', jus' don't know ifn' it happened.

So how did he manage to rape me?

By `maginin' it, whilst in his room at th' end `o the hall. Ah'm a shamanic bein', y'unnerstan' thas what alters is, really, an' even though Ah'm somethin' of a special case, ah still play by those rules.

Y'see, shamanic realities are sorta kinda th' product o' the collective `magination. Not entirely - they got a bunch o' othah influences, but `magination from this "real life" realm is jus' as big an' influence as El Niñyo heah. `Bout as well unnerstood, come to that.

Ennyhow, you-all get all worked up `bout "spririt possession." HAH! Thas' laik a strappin' woman afeard of a mouse; mouse got lots moah to lose in a tussle!

Specially lil' baby shamanic bein's that nobody don'e tol' they was dead an' reinventin' themselves to keep theah twin safe.

See, couldn't have stuck around if'n Ah wasn't a twin. Bein' one, Ah s'pose ah had a choice, though Ah cain't recall actually thinin' about it; Ah jus' wanted mah twin an' mah mommie, in that oahdah.

Well, Mommie nevah even noticed me, cept'n when Ah peeked outta Bob's eyes, an' then ... well, les' say that Bob ended up with th' wrong skillsets entirely. We even had dolls, ifn' you can belive it, though none o' us had much use foah `em.

Movin' along, it quickly became cleah to th' fathah that he'd offed th' wrong one o' us. Oha so Ah s'ppose. Cain't think o' any othah reason foah `maginin' yoah boychild to be a girlchild an' then rapin' them in youah fantasies. Oha mebbie he was `maginin' me. Tha's where Ah get mah name from, anyhow, the perp bastard gave it to us. Named us afatah a notorious family whoah. Well, slut, really, she nevah took money. Jus' real estate.

Foahtunately, Ah happen to laik Great Aunt Maude; well, th' idea o' her; bein' notorious an' all. It eithah suited mah nature oah suited th' nature the sumbitch left me with.

Betty Pauline is remindin' me Ah's duckin' th' hard part. Because th' hard part wasn't bein' raped. Funny thing, kids can get used to anything, even that. It became a normal part o' mah life. No, what Ah've been havin' to deal with is th' fact that, bad as `twas, Ah enjoyed it. An' not jus' on a phyical level. Oh, ah got `cited an' all that, but physically, daddy-o's kink was to make sure it wasn't fun. Foah him, ifn' it wasn't dirty an' degradin', it wasn't sex and it sure wasn't no fun foah him.

No, the patheticly Freudian thing is that this was the only `tention Ah got foah mahself alone, as me, from eithah parent. So, ifn' that was the price Ah had to pay, bein' used foah an' aft an' in ways that defy mortal survival - tha's what Ah was gonna do. An' do it real well, too. An' show enthusiasm.

Because the wors' thing wasn't him comin' back the nex' night. The wors' thing was when he didn't. After a while, Ah started goin' lookin' foah him an' he had me foaheveah then.

Aftah that, he nevah stopped comin'. Not until he died... Even though the body hadn't clapped eyes on th' bastard foah two yeahs. The res' of `em jus' felt relief, Ah... Ah don' know what Ah felt, but Ah went quietly nuts theah foah awhile, until Ah figgerd out how to go into the Deep Realms an' get me some of much of the same. Well, Ah'm mixin' mah timelines, some, but Ah'm tryin' to keep this simple.

Ah wanted mah daddy to love me. Instead, Ah got used, so Ah figgered that was love; specially if'n it's so good yoah brains leak outn' yoah eahs. An' it was. Foah me. By that time.

Not only can a kid get used to anythin' she can get damn good at it, given `nuff practice.

An ah wanted mah mommie to love me, but she nevah even knew ah was theah. Three guesses why Ah love big, butch leathahmommas, twice mah size oah bettah? Well, `barrassin' as it `tis to admit why, thing is, ah do. `Specially ifn' they have a rumbly contralto an' don' mind singin' Brahm's Lullaby in German.

Ok. We's past th' believe it oah don't, because even if'n you don' believe a word o' this, you believe in multiples oah you wouldn't laikly be heah at this site.

So you know jus' how real mah `motions can be an' Ah bet you know jus' how much trouble denial kin get you in. An' Ah been in denial `bout all of this. Ah ain't `mitted it happened - nevah foahgot, jus' wouldn't tell nobody. `Cause Ah figgered it'd hurt them if they believed me an' hurt me if'n they didn't. But jus' got to a point wheah all this was curdlin' mah usual good nature an' turnin' me into a natural, as opposed to a studied bitch.

An' tha's wheah we came in. This is what's been bitin' mah currently painful posterior. An' tha's why Ah ain't complain' about th' pain. Funny thing about pain, physical pain; drowns out the `motional pain; leastwise `nuff to make it managable whilst you deal with it. It's a good friend raight now, though one Ah don' plan on seein' to often in a non-sexual context.

Now, speakin' o' denial, since Ah'm barin' mah soul heah anyhow, maight as well touch `pon th' whole mattah o' bein' a sadomasochist. Ain't the sort o' thing folks expect you to admit. These days, it's moah o' less ok to be out as a lesbian. Hell, we ain't even had any problems sayin that Ah was a lesbian female person livin' within a multiple pesonality system.

But say that bein' hurt oah hurtin' folks foah sexual gratification an' folks do tend to get put off a mite.

Well, in a sense, thas' a good thing. Ain't a real good sexuality to choose, ifn' foah no othah reason than it's hard to get lucky in a truly satisfyin' mannah with any regularity atal an' th' odds are even worse that it will be with anyone you'd wanna take home to mommah - oah take home, come to that. But we nevah had no meanin'ful choice.

Mebby we wasn't born this way, but Ah know that by th' age o' five we was, no mistakin' it. Ah s'pose we could try an' get oahselve "cured" of this legacy of oah abuse, but even ifn' that were really possible - which it ain't hardly - still leaves us up the creek without a paddle.

We have a whole set o' skills built `round bein' eithah submissive oah dominant, eithah sadist oah masocist. Hell, even' when we is makin' love, ouah mindset is that we is inflictin' pleasure `pon someone.

So what are we s'posed to replace it with? Celebacy? HAH!

We prefer "Safe, Sane & Consentual."

She says she is "carvin' th' block."

Anyhow, tha's foah latah. Ah have to return to mah durance vile now.

witnesses to mah comeuppetance.