My Personal Thoughts

My Story till Now March 13, 1997

     To say I was born was born on September 22 1974 in St.Joseph, MO is a start. I have grown up in a world not congenial to happiness, but I am starting to find it. I grew up a child of sexual abuse, a twice divorced mother and two and a half years in a foster home. As an adult I have just begun to deal with these issues and newly diagnosed mental illness namely bipolar disorder and several anxiety conditions. I say these words not out of self pitty, but in hopes someone will read them and know that they are not alone in this world.

     In January I lost my best friend to suicide, and my beloved California home to the flooding of the Tuolome River. I picked up the shattered pieces of my life and moved far away to Ohio (God forbid it is flooding here now) . I am now living in Fairborn, Ohio where I will take the high ground and stand against sea of troubles and by oposing end them.

Oh yea, view my picture here. . .

March 12,1997

     I have come to understand one thing about disability, both physical and mental ones, that the most disabling condition is in our mind and is called attitude. We either control our destiny or become slave to our apothy. We chose to ask for help in accomplishing tasks or we suffer from laziness. We must want to do and have enough to act and aquire, we must have a dream worth fighting for, or all that we say we want is but our fantasy never to be recognized.

March 13, 1997

      Another day spent reflecting on the hell that caused so much pain, made me appear so vulnerable when it made me cry and the strength that has grown from it. Who am I, why do exist, why can't I just die (multiple attemps were fortunate failures) are all questions I asked during his abuse and my 15 years of self-punishment. I look back and still have no answer. I am not sure those questions bother me now, the way they did then. I have seen them become less important as I came to realize it didn't matter if people believed me about the abuse or not. I have come to terms in the last 2 years that the15 that came before were over when I decided they were over. I had to come to the understanding I

March 14, 1997

      To say I have a love hate relationship with Rachael is he best I can sum it up. I care for her a great deal, but find myself irritated by her at almost everey corner. We fight daily, mostly about her attitude towards life, her attiude is down trodden hopeful of failure. She has no goals, no expectations no passion for anything in life other than wanting to marry me. I have worked for to long to raise my expectations of being nothing and having nothing to be brought down by her bad attitude. I would leave at this point in most relationships i have been in, but I have this thing called love that prevents this common sense.

March 15, 1997

I have decided I should stay with Rachael and help her with her attitude, I believe that in time she can see the potential in herself and decide that she wants more and can be more than wat she is now, that she can grow as a person. Until such time she shall remain unmarried to me. This I am told by the last person I wouldn't stay with who had no desire to grow makes me a prick, but I think I am not a prick based on the fact I seek my own happieness and will not stay with someone for my life that makes me unhappy, just to make them happy, those are the things that cause insanity and death.

March 16, 1997

I am not sure what makes people love each other, at sometimes i wish i could just turn off my love and walk away from Rachael, but I find it immpossible, though she is stubborn, self-centered and on a regular basis a flat out bitch. I love her. I wish I could walk away from this relationship and start over sometimes, but I can not. People walking out of her life and out on her is what made her partly the way she is. I find an over whelming resposibility to keep taking care of her, maybe it is my need to care for someone who truly cares back, which I know she does.

March 17, 1997

I know i must be crazy to stay here. I left my beloved California to come back to a midwest not so mcuh different from where I grew up. I miss California, as if it were the homeland of my birth. But now it would seem on the day I was to be married at one point in time that it will be one hell of a long time before I am able to return to California. I am here with Rachael and niether of us can afford to move out of our shared rental and live here on our own even though I feel it would be the better for me if I would do so. I could but maybe it is just to comfortable to me to live in conditions I don't like, to maintain some form of lifestyle I was used to. I shouldn't speak poorly of Rachael, I am trying to remember that she has never lived outside of her pampered family life or at college, and never in the real world of bills, rent and responsibility

March 18, 1997

Am I self righteous to believe that because I deal well with being bipolar, that all people with disabilities who have lived with them their entire lives should cope as well as I? I love Rachael very much, but i am to the point that I feel like i am runing in circles dealing with her and her often pathetic self. As an only child with muscular dystrophy she was very spoiled and thinks the world is still supposed to spoil her, I wish she would grow up before she drives me away.

March 19, 1997

I can't throw her out, she needs to finish school, their would be no other place for her to go right now, no one to take care of her, god know the agency that should doesn't 50 percent of the time, and that is only after i get on the phone and verbal kick their ass (Some of the people their I do believe are afraid of me). I can't leave my name is on the lease, I wouldn't make it paying for 2 places, and I would feel guilty about leaving Rachael, for their would still be no one to take care of her. I hate have the sense of self-respect, responsibility, love and self preservation all at the same time.

March 20, 1997

I think I can begin to understand what it is like to be a single working parent. I am the one who must take care of Rachael, i do it out of love no other reason. I am the one who runs the household as well as brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan. (I think i watched to much TV as a child to a sing working parent). I think in some ways it is harder than being a parent, I must treat Rachael as an adult, I even try when her maturity diverts from being 23 to 7. She is by no means mentally less than a 23 year old adult, only her body has the disability her mind works as well as mine and yours. Well maybe yours, I must confess to being accepted into mensa and found it to boring for my manic side to take interest in.

March 21, 1997

*SIGH* It is a long day indeed. even though we equal daylight and night this unit in time seems to press on like no other. The first day of spring is supposed to be a good time of year or so many members of my farming family have told me, but I have yet to figure out anything good that I have gone through today. I carry on in my love hate relationship with Rachael. I wish I knew what to do what to say to her how to help her improve what we can have and not try to drive me away. I care, but I am not sure why, the bitch.

March 21, 1997 through March 31, 1997

These have been trying times. rachael and I have had our troubles and our Happines. I love her with a sense of belonging. She can be the most difficult person to deal with, but none the less I do love her. Why put myself through this when most would walk away, because love is there pure and simple so walking away is not an easy thing to even contemplate. I have spent the last 10 days working my ass off with no time for my journal much less even opening my e-mail hardly. I wish I had had more time to spend with Rachael. This story goes on, because we go on. I say it proudly that I love rachael and renew my own commitment to her no matter what I am going through to help her grow and to continue to grow myself so that in the future there can be no doubt in any ones mind that we trully do belong togeather.
These days here will be added as I can recolect them for my own benefit, and so that any who may gain benefit from not feeling alone in their own struggles may do so. I thank those who have only a link to this page and read it religiously, I will try and keep it up better. I thank all of those who have written and said that I am not alone either. Thank You All and To All a Good Night!

April 1, 1997

I Feel the fool these days. I wonder when I will stop fooling myself about the things I want in life, the people I want in my life, the kind of life I want to have. It is a matter of being honest with ones self that makes them truly happy in life, because no one can be happy with who they are if they don't know who they are. Knowing who you are though is only a start to happiness though.

April 2, 1997

I continue to ask myself am I really in love with Rachael or is it my need to love someone in general.

April 3, 1997

They say pain and pleasure go hand in hand, I find this true in so much of my life. There are some who would accuse me of being sexual for that comment, but tis not true, that isn't my cup of tea. My years of enjoyment of the great outdoors has taken it s toll on my body, I am 22 and falling apart. I have seen and done things men 4 times my age could not have had time to do. Mountain climbing, sky diving, biking, white water and sports have left me with a bad back, a deteriorating shoulder, knees on their way out and countless scars and constant pains. I would not trade any of these pains for the wonders that have caused them. I have truly enjoyed things in life that most people say sounds interesting, but never have the desire or ambition to undertake.

April 4, 1997

For the first time in a few months I have started to wish that I had not ever left California. I think I might have kept Sara hanging on to life for a bit longer. She had so much that she could have lived for, but couldn't see it. The only time she was happy, she wrote in her last letter to me, was when she was with me. This sounds wierd and unthinkable to some, I was the only straight man she ever cared to be with. I think at times she chose a life of lesbianism only to escape her constant reminder of her father. She told me I was the only man she ever loved (from that letter) but hadn't a clue of how to show me that love and didn't believe she ever would be able too and therefore would never be whole and happy. She died unhappy because she didn't know how to love me in the way a woman could love a man, she died because she didn't think I loved her in that manner. I was afraid to tell her those feelings for fear of jeopardising our friendship and in the end she died not knowing them one way or the other.

April 5, 1997

I have thought of nothing but Sara today, my love holds true and strong even 4 months after her body was found. Her and I were bonded in a way I will never find again. In some ways all I want is the kind of true friendship and love her and I shared, even though it was born from such a pain that most people never can imagine. The survivors of sexual abuse all hold a common bond that only they can form, it is a bond that is truly undiscribable in words. It is an understanding of the pain, a compassion for the person and a respect that is born out of our own desire to know others of our kind. Everyday since then I have tried to explain what it was that Sara and I had to other people, but all I get is blank faces and questions of why is that so important. I wish i could explain it, Rachael becomes so frustrated with me of why i don't tell her things about it. It is not that I mind sharing about my abuse, but when all I get is an I don't understand after trying to explain till I am blue in the face, I give up at trying to explain. I was told by multiple therapists that this is an inability to communicate on my part, but coming from someone who's knowledge of sexual abuse comes from a book I can't hold their oppion very high. I long to meet another person in my life who I can look at and know exactly what they are feeling and have them know I understand and care. I want to have another survivior in my life, yet don't really want to go seek one out. When you first meet a survivior their pain can over power you into depression if you aren't careful. I want that intimate feeling, but I cry everytime I find it. I cry for the one who shares thier pain with me openly, and privately for the pain it brings back to me.

April 6 1997

The difference between a survivor and a victim of sexual abuse is only minor or not at all to a person who has been through it. The difference is this. Victims are still slaves to thier pain, and survivors are masters of thier past. I am not trying to say that we, as survivors, are not regualrly haunted by the memories of the abuse, our abusers or the self abuse that always follows in some form, we are. I do say however that our abuse has stopped and that we are healing. Victims remain victims till they decide to move on. I see this as one of the few truths in life for all people, life is what we make it. Even though it is fairly shitty sometimes for things we don't have control over, taxes, death and other people, we have the ultimate control over us and our lives. We rule our world or the world rules us.

April 7, 1997

I haven't a clue as to why i feel so shitty today. I am full of hate and anger and I am not sure why. I have openly been mean to people today, I haven't meant to be, but I have. I will appologize when I figure out what the hell is wrong. I think i should just go to sleep. Good Night.

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