It is with heaviness and a rollarcoaster of emotions that I write this entry. Details will be left out of course...things people do not need to know. But I have been put through a challange, and a painful one. Isn't is amazing the way the brain wants to complete a picture, when your heart cannot stand the image? Amazing the way a body reacts to anxiety and great unhappiness?

Why do we feel the need for temptation over permission? Why is the only little thing we cannot have the only thing we want? Even as adults!? Sure, we can move past the need for material desire, but personal desire? The desire for an encounter with another vivid human? Hardly. Promises made are promises broken. So, you begin with a base of no promises. No restrictions. Nothing to tempt if all is granted...and we will still find a way to go further. And then the rubber band effect...all restriction, all temptation. It's like suspending a child for truancy. Where's the logic? So, bend or break. Breaking seems good for a while. Certainly not comforting, but maybe an end to the cycle of all or none? To what...another cycle from ground zero? There's always the ultimate choice, lonliness. Commitment to oneself only. (But what fun is that?)

There is human ideal, and there is human reality. The reality is that people, myself included, will do what they want, when they want. Self-restraint is the last bastion of society. And the fort is merely an illusion. Never be fooled. So, one has the choice, the common choice, the panic choice, the self salvation choice...to lie. Will they take that option? How brave does one have to be to look someone in the face with truth? Truth they know will demolish with savage wreckage.

And then there is the aftermath, the damage control. If one lets go of personal anger too quickly then there are feelings of rejected defeatedness, if one holds on for too long..bitterness. And there are the apologies. Just as there are only the words 'I love you' to mean many feelings, there is only 'I'm sorry' to mean many more. How many times can one attempt redemtion while admitting fault? What a messy process.

And yet I've been on all sides of this gut-wrenching fence before, several times for each. I've looked, bold faced and earnest, straight into the eyes of a loved one, and lied. I've been caught and felt the crushing weight of guilt sucking the very breath from me. I've been the cause, almost giddy with flippancy over the secret nature of it all. I've been the victim, the wronged one, and felt despair pull me down to oblivion. So if I've seen all sides of the equasion...what now? What can I pull from this fire?

Well...

I think it levels the playing field a bit. Those who one might think are beneath contempt become human again. Those one might put on a pedastal for all they've endured come back to the ground. It brings us back to equals. The victim, the tempter, the liar, and the guilty. Connected. Better to absolve them all? Many are drowned by all this trechery, fall into those dark cracks of the mind and never recover. Continue to play the game..losing. Some move past, blanketing their grief, their history, refusing to poke at that dark place. I want neither. I want to keep poking at this...thing..this activity that people persist in. I want to piss it off and have it hurt me and find out where the heart is and get right down to the bottom of it.

Pain is existance. The Buddha said the only way to save oneself from sickness, dying and death is to find that middle way that exempts you from rebirth into Nirvana. To understand that all of life is connected, each blade of grass, each person, etc. Each action sets off a multitude of reactions in all directions. So, live in misery....or not. Effect the world around you.

I'm being told that I give off great positive energy. I'm being told it's even intimidating at times...people aren't sure how to handle it, is it genuine? Where does it come from? How do I get to that state? However, I feel a bit of a black hole as of late, sucking in the misery of 2 others, feeding mine. And the natural process is to let it fade, slowly. But I'm impatient. I crave that happiness. I don't want to wait for that pain to fade I want it gone now. I want the images out of my head now. But this is such a careful time. Better to rebuild the tower without cracks.

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