This year's New Year's resolution was to do something by age 30. That's 3 years away *shudder*. I had never understood the desperate feeling of life slipping away and it's magickal connection with age 30...until now. I have a memory of my dear aunt crying on her 30th birthday, lamenting age and the resignation to adulthood. As I stood hip high, I did not understand and expressed my concern. I was hushed away into another room. Left to figure out for myself why such an arbitrary number should cause such distress. Shouldn't birthdays be about a celebration of life? A day, all to yourself, affirming that you exist in this world? But this...number...this...designated age of adulthood and responsibility comes with a realization of the need for direction in one's life. No one is asking what I'm going to do with my life anymore. I'm only left asking what haven't I established yet? What degree/occupation/house/car/lifestyle don't I have yet? Yet, at the same time, it seems ridiculous to examine one's life and compare it against some seemingly monetary, materialistic marker.

I've so much more to learn about people, about the internal workings of... everything. So much more personal expression to accomplish, to look forward to. So much more life to live, both theoretically and realistically. I still frequent my temple of music dressed in rich velvets and restricting corsets. I'm still adding bright colors to my hair and worshipping the glitter goddess. I do not feel outdated in these habits. They have not yet lost their inspiration. For a few year's now I have known the 9 to 5 life while still seeking that happiness of living.

But the winds are blowing in a different direction and telling me that it is time for change. Time to move onto the next level of knowledge. It has been almost 3 years since completion of my accredited studies and it is time to take advantage of that knowledge. The Taoist goal is to obtain a level of just "being" and I feel I have stagnantly "been" for a tad too long. I'm ready for travel, for exploration into other relms of "being". I'll go ahead and accept my crown of responsibility. I've taken hold of such necessary things as my finances and temporary occupational security. I've made my investments, began paying back carelessly accrued debts, put into motion the purchase of my first house. I'm paying attention to which foods are better for the body instead of just satisfying temporary hunger. I will move into the skin of a 30 year old with planning and precision instead of panic and regret.

I will also remember the restrictions and frustrations of youth and the promises I made to myself once I had reached that golden mantle of maturity. I will recall knowing that I cannot go where I wish, and the feeling of being escorted by hand, confined to adult needs and destinations. I have the means now, I will fulfill my wish. I will remember the day that I stopped daydreaming myself into another, more favorable person's skin, and instead realized the precious vehicle of my own dreams that only I controlled, thereby lifting learned restrictions. I will remember what it is like not to be taken seriously because of other's judgements of your age=intellect. I am to be believed now, I have gained credibility.

I will remember that age is a privilege, granted only to those who withstood the stupidity of youth.

Well.... I will try.

Until later my lovlies...stay golden Ponyboy..

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