New Year's Rockin' Eve

(I'm writing this up much later than when it actually happened)

"You watch yourself under a microscope, afraid that if you blink your eye for one second you are going to fall miserably, hopelessly in love and get messed over again."-Iyanla Vanzart

Okay, so things started out well, he wanted to hold my hand while driving (interesting when driving a stick!), put his head on my shoulder while at the drive-thru (aww), so far so good.

At the party, I met his friends, get along good with 'em. Not knowing a lot of people, I mostly joined in the playing with Playdough on the floor and wasn't paying much attention to what Remington was doing all the time. (Don't you love these Berkeley people? They have entertainment at these things!)

Well, around the time I finally get sick of the Playdough he's sitting on the couch, and when the guy next to him moves, I decide to sit there. So he pulls me in next to him and we snuggle around for awhile (aww) until around 11:45, when we went in with the rest of the clock-watchers. We kissed at midnight (first time I've had a New Year's date- I didn't know for YEARS that you were supposed to do that)…and continued to kiss… except for a break to hug Kalina (a friend of his that I liked, she said I'm a good hugger and he said "I thought so"), we kept it up…which led to Oliver (the host) saying "You've been sucking face for eighteen minutes!" (Later on, Remington scoffed at that, said he kissed a girl at another party for an hour- while being timed- said his lips were chapped for three days afterwards.)

We did that (me on his lap), with a few breaks, for about the next two hours or so. Once a guy dropped his coat over our heads. Another guy came up close and watched and said "You kiss a lot. It's inspiring." Remington's reply: "Thanks, we'll keep it up." Don't you just love that?! Many others commented on how cute we were. I had become one of those people I hate, the constant kissers. Surprise!

In the car he was all complimenting me- he loved that I got along with his friends, that I'm nice, etc. Some stuff 'bout how they want him to throw a party at his house (he has a farmhouse in the boonies, plus apt. in Davis, I think. Hmm, wonder if I'd be invited? Probably at this point), some stuff 'bout his ex-wife being jealous of any chicks he knew (ex's or friends), yet he kinda liked it (he liked knowing that "somebody cares what I do? I'm a sucker for that."), also told me that getting jealous would not be a good idea here (I said I'm hardly ever jealous). Which I kinda take as another warning to "not get attached here!"

We get to my house, make out s'more in the car before going inside, I check in with the wardens, then go back into the living room.

I'm not gonna get specific about what happened next, other than the words "hot 'n heavy." Frankly, I'm very surprised that I uh, got that carried away here. At least my parents didn't come out. Although I got very scared at one point when I heard this HUGE THUMP from their bedroom! In between uh, bouts of activity, we dozed off on the couch, me in his arms. Whenever I moved he pressed me more into him, which, well…awww. (I've been saying that too much lately) He also said some things that would probably make you sick to read about.

Around 7:30 a.m. I was mentally flipping out as to how to wake him up enough to get him out of the house before Mom got up at eight. Neither of us was in a condition for a parental meeting, not to mention that I didn't know what they'd do if they found out he spent the night. I told him that Mom got up at eight, but he was sloooow about it. I did like when he said something like "Me don't want to leave" (although my memory is probably off, or his grammar was, or something), and then "Or that I could take you with me." I liked that, would have liked to go too. Anyway, a quick adieu at 7:55, I snuck into my room and laid on my bed, still dressed, and faked sleep. At 8:07 I heard her toilet flush. Phew.

When I finally was woken up (at noon), MAN, was I ever out of it. Just bizarrely spaced out quiet clueless zombie. Everyone noticed it. I claimed it was due to lack of sleep. "I can't believe I went that far when I've only met the guy three times" and similar stuff kept running through my head. (Although even I have to concede that things seem pretty likely to continue now.) And that was with my parents in the house, how bizarre. How too-blatantly juvenile-rebelling of me. I thought I wasn't that tacky (says potential girlfriend #3).

I didn't want to talk to him. Not that I heard from him, or figured I would (with the parents' party going on), but I didn't want to. I had this odd anger towards him and I can't say really why. Not that I was forced into anything I did, and I'm not sorry, just, well… I feel like I'm getting into trouble somehow. I mean, with the whole speed-of-light/he's-got-other-chickies thing, if I were a rational person, I would know better than to uh, lose my head like that. I was worrying about what happens when I'm back at school and free from parental supervision. How nuts I can still go. I'm not in love with him, YET anyway, I think, and in a way that's good and in a way that's bad. I shouldn't get attached though, and the more nuts I go, the more likely that'll happen.

I know, you're probably thinking what everyone else has said when I've said this: "Why is getting attached bad?" Or maybe you agree with me on this, since we're not having a conversation I don't know. Any rational people probably agree with me. But certain people I've talked to- no, make it almost all, even when I mention the age/chick thing, think this is a good thing, to get attached. After telling Sarah this, she was all "So, you've got a man now, good for you" or something like that, and I was all "Hey, let's be cautious there. We don't know that." I know people want me to be happy and all that, but well, I'm so used to things going up shit creek, y'know, that I find it almost impossible to imagine that they won't. And well, look at the situation I got myself into. I mean, it's a nice fantasy to think that he'll like me so much that he'll dump the remaining girlfriend, NOT pick up on anyone else, and wind up with me- but COME ON. When does this happen? He frigging warned me this wasn't likely to happen. I'm glad that I'm NOT in love with him for that. I hope I don't get that way or I'll really be messed up. Yes, he made me happy then (he asked me if I was happy at the party, I said yes), but I gotta watch myself.

I haven't heard from him at all. Who knows what he's been doing (or who), but I'm pretty sure it hasn't been breaking up with anybody. Isn't that what always happens, once things start to go really well, that they stop talking to you? I told myself that it would probably be best at this point, before I fall, it takes the decision out of my hands. Okay, I don't really think it's going to happen like that, but sometimes the panic comes. I reassure myself with Sarah's "the guys always do that, don't talk to you for days, it's a weird guy thing." I figured that I wouldn't hear from him until I was back here, I mean, can't discuss that stuff with Mommy and Daddy around, and I didn't want to talk to him, but a few days later, I kinda missed him. Well, I do miss him. I just realized that.

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Look, I FINALLY put front and back tags in! The New Year's resolution in place of stop dating. Let's see how many days this keeps up.
My e-mail will not be working until Tuesday, so if you have something to say, save it for a day. Oh God, I rhymed.

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