Sleepover

Falling In Love Again

I'm so tired of falling in love
Finding it easier to fall out
I can't deny it
I feel it inside, Cupid's fire
I can't hide

I'm falling in love again
Ain't nothing I can do
Falling in love a gain
Girl this time it's with you
When I fall
It's always the same
And I'm so tired
Of playing this game

It's been so long now
Since I gave up my heart
I've kept it locked down
I don't wanna get it harmed
So let me tell you now
I just want to be sure
That you won't hurt me
Can you promise me that
Because I'm falling in love again
Ain't nothing I can do
Falling in love a gain
Girl this time it's with you
When I fall
It's always the same
And I'm so tired
Of playing this game

You got to tell me
If you're going to break my heart
'Cause I don't want to take a chance
And if it ain't true
All it's gonna be
Is nothing but a poor romance
So give me that promise to hold on
And I'll never let go
We gotta have something to go on
I'm letting you know now

I'm falling in love again
Ain't nothing I can do
Falling in love a gain
Girl this time it's with you
When I fall
It's always the same
And I'm so tired
Of playing this game

Falling in love again... (repeat) -Eagle-Eye Cherry

First: the suggestions that I've received re: my dilemma.
Demma: Just don't do it anymore and put up an apology post. (done it already)
Victor: So long as you didn't violate any confidences (say anything of a personal nature) it should be okay…and it's not as if you put it on a high-traffic site.
Spice: 1. Get another e-mail address, use fake info
2. Get new site and new e-mail
3. Start all over with new e-mail and not real name
4. Take out name, e-mail, etc, and move new stuff to new site.
5. Put message on old site to e-mail me for new URL.

What am I leaning toward? Well, being a lazyass, Demma and Victor's stuff…this one became prominent mainly because, as Victor and reading my mail told me, it's not as if this is a high-traffic site.
Maybe I'll just leave things alone?

Hey, here's something funky …I was checking Remington's page (it's finally working), basically a big bunch o' links, but I click on one labeled Kirk's Funny Stuff…it's something done by the guy that does Love Blender, a site that I have posted various nauseating love crap on (only one that was any good…that came up in a few search engines the other day, surprising). With my full name, albeit I haven't done any recent ones for months and months. Which makes me wonder…if he's read that site, or my stuff…if he has, how embarrassing. Wonder if he wonders if it was me if he did…that would be just too weird.

I am getting bad about writing these post-date entries. I have to determine what I can publicly admit to and what I can't…plus alternating between this journal and the offline one, plus not writing because I'm in a mental fog… that's what delays things.

Okay, so my date was fabulous. Aside from being very very sleepy, I've been, well, daydreamy goony happy all day. Paying attention in class was uh, difficult, even though both classes promise to be interesting…on days other than today, I think! I could go into that, but I won't… In other news today: Sarah and I bought a lot of booze for tomorrow night, and she got an e-mail from a guy she had a crush on last year. She was screaming in joy…awww…Oh, and I saw Jensen around again (shaven), in the DC (ignored him) and he came to our door later on soliciting for sports or something. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

The date:

We met up in front of my dorm and started kissing. Went out to the Greek restaurant and acted somewhat similarly nauseating to the rest of the world- but it was fun. Staring and whatall. Don't recall much of what we said. He has dumped the Chicago girlfriend (the brain-damaged psycho), said she was too pretty for her own good. He said he was wondering if I'd ever wind up having his aunt in an English class (she's an prof, from what I've heard OBSESSED with Beowulf- which doesn't sound like something I'd be into. I was told she was one to avoid by someone who didn't get along with her), and I said probably not unless she taught some required classes (no). I didn't mention that I'd try to avoid her. Plus, it just seems too strange to have the guy you're dating's aunt be your teacher. Isn't that kinda unethical somehow? Didn't say that either though. Oh yeah, and I asked again why he meows randomly…he said he used to be nicknamed Tigger- "I used to be more bouncy." That's so cute. Hmm, another thing Mom'll like about him.

Did I mention that he brought over Monty Python for me? I've never seen anything of theirs (everyone tells me to see the movies, but my parents never let me rent 'em. I had a deprived childhood), and so he brought over some of the original TV shows taped a few years ago on Comedy Central. We went to my place, as he claimed his was junkier. As you can probably guess, we didn't do a whole lot of watching the shows…who woulda known that Monty Python was such a turn-on? (He left them here, I've gotta go back and actually WATCH them soon. I was thinking of bringing them over to Mike and Evan's for the party though) Suffice it to say that NOW I'm glad I wound up with a private room =)

I got into this argument with Mike today, after Sarah blabbed some about my date and I refused to admit to anything one way or another, and he said "You're not a virgin, are you?", very obnoxiously. I don't know about whether Mike is one way or the other, but if he's ever gotten laid we'd all be very surprised…he scares girls. I refused to tell him, and he said, "Well, they only say that if they are a virgin." I said no, I never tell that information for a reason, and he kept interrupting me to say "Can I tell you why?" (I assume he wanted to say "'Cause you're a virgin", but I shouted him down) over and over, I was getting pissed at him. Anyway, I told him this story:

A few years ago we were driving to my grandma's, and Mom and I were in a restroom in a casino in Jackpot, Nevada, when she decided that this was the perfect time and place to ask THAT question. And yes, there were other people in the bathroom at the time that could hear this. I was mortified, trying to say, "Geez, Mom, this is not the time and place to ask that question!" It's not like complete strangers needed to know the answer! And that is when I decided that I will never tell the answer to that question, to the general population/most people I know anyway. It's not something that the world needs to know. Think about it: If you say you're a virgin (unless you're religious), a lot of people think that you're a big nerdlet that nobody wants, even if this is not true. (And in my case, it isn't.) If you say you're not, a certain obnoxious contingent of the population thinks you're a slut. You get attacked either way…I prefer to piss 'em all off and admit to neither. If I ever get married (ha) or pregnant (God forbid), you can assume that I'm not(!), but other than that…I'll never admit to a thing. (Yes, there are some people that know one way or the other. I will not say why these people know. And they'd all better keep their damn mouths shut or I'll smack 'em.)

Fortunately, Mike shut up and rather sympathized after that. Especially after I told him that later on the same trip my grandma started crying and screaming at me in front of my parents and grandpa to "keep your legs crossed! Promise! Promise!" I wouldn't promise, and I remember desperately trying to NOT say anything on the subject…even more mortifying.

Well, I suppose I can say this without explaining "things" one way or the other (hence my diverging into another topic. And no, that's not a veiled attempt to say that I "did it" without saying that I "did it." I really don't think I want to mention to the general population anything in that realm, whether I did or didn't)…he slept over at my house. =) First time I've been warm in my room since I moved back in!

Waking up the next morning to go to class…why, why must classes have started? He makes it very difficult for me to get up in the morning…it's even harder to get him up, but I needed a ride to school after having missed all the buses to lie around in bed longer…he left his coat up here (along with the movies), and he remembered it when we had gotten down to the first floor or so (i.e. not that far out the door leaving), I asked if he wanted to go back and get it and he said no, he had other coats/would be fine/going to L.A. this weekend anyway and hopefully it would be warmer. Hmmm, wonder why that was? Wouldn't you normally want your stuff back? Especially since it was like forty degrees out/breath showing/goddamn cold out right then…is this like, some reason for him to come back? When I forget stuff, I tend to want to go GET it…I have it draped over the rest of the clothes I threw on top of my fridge. (Told ya I'm a slob.) Anyway, Thurs. he was going out to Oliver's again and then he was going to L.A. for a grad student conference thingie on the weekend, said he'd see me again Mon. or Tues. Hmmm.

I'm starting to be reminded of a period of my life in the start of the Moron era…after his senior ball, when we started getting attracted to each other. The next morning I woke up thinking "What the hell happened last night?" and was all in another guy-fog…pondering the futility of finding someone who seemed so right for me just as he was leaving town, etc. At that time, on that day at least, I knew I wasn't "in love" with him. Or so I thought, anyway. Then as time went on (that summer before he left, the fall before he came back), it got kinda blurry, and to this day I couldn't tell you exactly if I was or wasn't/just in bad crush mode in that period.

Anyway, I realized while I was sitting in class today that unlike in the past few days/weeks when I knew darn well I wasn't in love with him…I can't say that I am or am not anymore. I don't know, I'm in a fog again. This worries me…I can't talk about it like I used to, like when I used to say "I hope I don't, with all those other girlfriends"- I just get all funny when I think how I used to say that…oh dear God. I think that magical unknowing falling bit is happening again…thing is, I think it's happening to him too. Thank goodness, if I was all alone in this I'd go crazy.

We got into how we met and stuff like that, he said all the time he was in Chicago he was kicking himself for not kissing me then. I said I'd wanted to, but I'm too short and couldn't reach! He'd said then that he was going to put a kiss in at the end of Outing Report v.1.0 and didn't in the final version, I asked if his thinking I didn't like him had something to do with that (yeah, kind of), I said I'd been kinda disappointed it hadn't been in there. He said I was "so incredibly beautiful" (awww) several times, smart, funny, creative, wondered why someone like me would want to be with someone like him- which just puzzled the heck out of me (I mean, he's dated all these chicks (plus being married!), and he doesn't think any of them would want to be with him? What the hell's up with that? Who messed with his head as a kid?). Asked how I got this "incredibly nice body" (mmmm), and he even though my moles were cute (one on my wrist, and I have this bizarre one on my lip, it's always seemed strange to me). Then again, by this point I think he thinks anything I do is cute. He even thought it was cute when I said that I'm not good at doing compliments and get all inarticulate, for crying out loud. Asked if he made me happy (yes, finally), and also asked 'hadn't anyone else' made me happy before. I said that guys have liked me before (at least, I think that's what I said), but, well, "yuck." I really didn't feel like talking about any of them- ancient history, dead and gone to me. I make him happy too. =) Got into some hopes and dreams stuff and school stuff (we both have three years or so to go…just for different degrees. Good!), a Nobel for him for curing some disease (I said good, he can do Dad's), Pulitzer or Hugo for me. Neither of us mentioned non-career-related ones (unless you count his "I wanna be immortal"), hmmm…gee, ya think we're avoiding something here? Probably…

In the sticky-sweet love bunnies category…I was telling him about Mom and Dad and the shrink saying they screwed me up and how I was gonna marry the first guy that came along and become codependent…then of course realized how this sounded in that situation… "uh, I don't mean you." (sheesh) After that bit, he said "Will you marry me?" I laughed at the time (I assume that was a joke), but the perverse thing is that I kinda had to bite my tongue from answering it…now in a way I wish I had answered it and then seen what happened…this is sick, Jen, very sick and too soon to get sick…unlike almost all my other girlfriends, I don't need to get engaged/married at this point in my life, and not just because my parents would kill me either! I don't want to really…so where did that come from?

Even worse, in uh, certain moments I felt the urge to say the dreaded words…you know which ones I mean…although I think that was probably more because we were messing around and that seems to be what you say when you're getting into things. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself here. I probably am, but I don't want to think about it. I didn't do it, it would be too soon to do it, and it goes against all my principles about saying it (I've always said I would never say such a thing, 'cause it scares them off)…but that I wanted to really is scaring me.

Oh good lord.

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Look, I FINALLY put front and back tags in! The New Year's resolution in place of stop dating. Let's see how many days this keeps up.
jdrutherford@ucdavis.edu

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