Fly In The Ointment

"I was in love once. I got hurt real bad. I don't ever want to go through that again." -- Lloyd's friend at the Gas 'n Sip, Say Anything

If I fall in love with this guy I am going to be fucked up, and then we'll have to break up. Why do I get myself into these situations? Knowingly???

I just don't understand how we can be getting so close and seeing each other every night now (WOW. Me, doing that sorta thing? Can you believe it?) and acting the way we do, and him not being as well, absorbed in me as I am in him. Well, I think he is...I just don't understand how he can be absorbed in two people. I can't do it, I have guilt dreams if I even consider it...how, how, how???

Shoot, he was snooping through my trash bin (on the computer, thank God I trashed the pictures of him I downloaded and old diary entries already), he wants to know everything about me, and yet, well, how??

Why I'm so cranky can be explained in the following e-mail that I sent to Sarah this morning when I got home. It pretty much says everything that I planned to say here.

After being on IRC with Remington all day...I found another hickey on me, more of a lulu this time than previous ones (when he saw it finally he was all "Wow. Sorry. Here, I'll give you another one to match.") Oh, and I found out that the e-mails from the nature girl who was going off on her love for him or whatever I told you about, that wasn't his girlfriend...she sent him one I saw, and it wasn't personal. I dunno who that nut was.

Okay, so I had this really steamy kinda night w/ Remington last night, he came over and tried to hook up my computer to Resnet (my computer doesn't like Resnet, so that didn't work =( ugh!), then we went to the grocery store so's he could get beer and candy hearts n' stuff, then went to his place for the night (He has some meeting at 9 a.m., yet wanted to see me tonight, so I went there). He's got my rose hanging on his wall (awww....). I made some comment about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and he offered to be my Angel (awww...in case you don't know, Angel's her vamp boyfriend...well, ex, it's a long story).

He bought this video camera thing to go with his computer, and he started videotaping me, I asked why, and he said 'cause he doesn't have any pictures of me. Awwwww...now he's got a video of me kissing his hand, then his lips...=) and he also took 23(!!!) "snapshots" of me with the thing, he said I kept doing all these cute poses =)

I mean, he was just so sweet last night/this a.m., said stuff like he's always happy when I'm with him, and after I told him I was thinking about him in class, he said thinking about me thinking about him in class made him smile. he didn't want me to get up this a.m., started grabbing on to me and saying "Mine!"

So, what's wrong with this scenario, you ask???
He's going to be out of town this weekend..."uh, I'm meeting my dad in Berkeley, and uh, some other people too." and that's when I got these two feelings:
1. He's going off w/ the other girlfriend, I betcha.
2. I'm just the weekday girlfriend...she's the goddamn weekend one. Which, well, normally I wouldn't mind so much, as now I can do homework and hang with the crew on weekends (which I wanted to do anyway) without any guilt...but I'd like him around on Saturday morning so we could sleep in for a change together (awww...), and it looks as if that ain't gonna happen, at least often. Even if he said last night that he wanted to go to Rumsey (his farmhouse...that's the town it's "in") with me... I dunno if I'll even bother to invite him to the party, even though I've mentioned it around him and he would buy booze, 'cause he'll probably be going off with her on Friday! Grrrr! I was in a good mood and that spoiled it. I'll have to remember to NOT ask about his weekends in future. I'm mad at him so I don't wanna talk to him on IRC, but I kinda do want to also, since I won't be able to the rest of the weekend (even though he says he misses me when he gets back)...well, I wanna go on the channel anyway, but if he checks the internet he'll know if I'm on or not. He put me in so he'd know when I'm on or not.

Anyway, now I'm feeling kinda steamed 'n stuff, thinking about how I should pick up a weekend boyfriend of my own or something. You know what we need to do? We need to go to one of those under-21 clubs (I think there's one in Sac?) and troll on men. Maybe not computer nerd ones though, they're troublesome.

Oh, and my mom called last night to drive me up the wall...the good news is, I can give you a check for $25! Yay! I'm in!
Then she said Dad has determined that I have to get a job "to pay for the phone bill." Huh? Grrrrrrr....
Ah, I'm just so pissed off, it's such fun.

Maybe write on Monty Python? Been seeing lots of THAT lately...

Today's links: Ivory Tower, on what to do after college. And Mothers Who Think (what a stupid name, as opposed to "Mothers Who Don't?"), for a great quote on rats and inducing psychosis.

I'm back home, back on IRC, and Remington is not...I think I'm relieved about that. Although I am in suspense wondering if he'll be on later.

Oh bloody hell, he's on now. Yikes.

In my short story English class we're currently reading Gimpel the Fool (the story can be found off this link, I'll let y'all read it rather than my explaining the whole plot). Basically, the guy is very gullible and everyone takes advantage of that. He's married off to a slut, who I don't think he ever even got to sleep with, and she keeps having all these kids and claiming that they're his, he even walks in on her with a couple guys, but she lies her head off about it. He eventually chooses to believe her, 'cause he can't handle what would happen in his life if he admitted what she does...he'd have to never see her and her child again, who he loves. So for twenty years he puts up with the whole thing (six kids!), ignoring the obvious and believing his wife. Until she gets breast cancer and is dying...

Before she died she called me to her bed and said, "Forgive me, Gimpel."

I said, "What is there to forgive? You have been a good and faithful wife."

"Woe, Gimpel!" she said. "It was ugly how I decieved you all these years. I want to go clean to my Maker, and so I have to tell you that the children are not yours."

If I had been clouted on the head with a piece of wood it couldn't have bewildered me more.

The answer determined by me and the other people was that he WANTED to be in denial, had to be in denial to be happy. So long as he could make excuses for her behavior, he could continue to live in that situation, without his hand being forced. Her confession left no room for excuses or denial, and it shattered him emotionally.

The thing is, I'm relating so well to this story right now, with my situation. He doesn't exactly tell me that he's going off with Zoe for the weekend (albeit it seems to be for about a day each time in the last month, not the full weekend...although he spent four days w/ her right before Xmas), just vaguely says he's going to meet up with "friends" somewhere around the bay (S.F., Berkeley). Then, well, I expect it's like the weekend before his b-day...me mentally choking a little when he says he went to her house on Sun. (instead of what he told me). I now know what he's doing. Heck, I did believe him last time, but did find it funny how he didn't mention seeing her, I would have figured that he would...see why it wasn't such a surprise? So I do know what he's going to do this weekend. And probably every other one.

Normally, I'm a big hater of hypocrisy, I got very annoyed at The Moron for that crap, I like to debunk things, and in a way I sort of want to say to him, "Oh, come on, I know you're going to Zoe's, you don't have to pretend you're not." I even thought of doing so this morning.

But: I did not. I don't WANT to. Just like Gimpel, I couldn't live with myself if I admitted out loud what was going on. I mean, for him, there is no excuse if he does not believe her for putting up with this kind of thing. People would respect him even less, and he couldn't live with himself. At least I can kinda make excuses, claim that I "know" and "it's the 90's" and I have the term "polyamory" to use about it. And I do put up with it, acknowledge it in the open, etc, etc.

But I can't not live without a little hypocrisy here. I don't want to hear her mentioned around me, even if I am curious. Especially in front of other people while I'm there as The Girlfriend. The Other Girlfriend, I should say. And while I know what he's doing on the weekends, I don't want it confirmed out in the open. I can't stand to live with myself if I know for sure that I am a person whose boyfriend has another girlfriend AND that he visits her every weekend. Well, I do stand to live with myself like this, but I feel slightly less bothered by it morally/emotionally.

I am not thrilled with myself sometimes.

I wonder if that would be a good post for Spotfans, if I took out all the detailed personal references?

I would just like to mention that Remington has not talked to me at all on IRC today. Not that I had anything to say to him, and probably he to me, but still.

Update, some minutes later: I put up a message griping about getting spam from all my major mailing lists (school majors, I mean), and he started messaging me about it...said he could get me another school e-mail address to send the spam to, but I said I'd better not. It went on from there, not too personal, then he left- "runs off to waste money" is what he posted.

Sigh.

Yet another update from the morning after...man, I am getting bad at putting these up relatively soon after writing 'em.

I want to share a bit of conversation I had with Victor about the boyfriend w/another girlfriend situation, he said "well, she was there first, and has been for a bit...so I can see where he would have an attachment to her. Plus she may have rubbed off on him with her polyamory stuff." Then he said "here's an idea, why not make plans to spend the weekend together every now and then?" I said I wish that would happen.

So I went out with Sarah and Mike last night (Evan's sick), we went out to dinner (at Wok N' Roll- don't you love those names?), where Sarah proposed marriage to me for some reason, and I declined so I wouldn't ruin my track record of non-acceptance. She went on and on about her hunky engineering TA and how she's afraid to date, or to tell Hardeep it's over, stuff like that. I kept slipping Remington's name into the conversation, Mike wouldn't comment on that (he doesn't approve), he was obsessed by the fact that he bought a $200 bird and now wants to get rid of it. (I wanted to take him, but of course Daddy wouldn't let me. Grrr) Then we watched Labyrinth and Pulp Fiction, then at 1 a.m. went out to Lyon's for milkshakes (brrrrrr).

Oh, and I must share my favorite line of the night: "I just bought a bird, I didn't get married!" -Mike, to Sarah.

It was a switch for me, not being with my boyfriend (I think I'm getting better with that term) during the night. Back to same old, same old, I thought, in a way. Not that I didn't have a good time, but, well...hanging with my friends (albeit we never did very much) was the be-all-end-all of weekend fun for me for a year and a half, and somehow this time it wasn't, well, everything. I feel so bad for thinking this, it sounds like they're not worth anything to me just because I got a boyfriend, and that's not how I feel, and I did want to hang with them tonight. And it is good for me to be around other people for a change, we can't hang around each other 24/7- well, we don't, but you know what I mean. But, well...I've been higher emotionally, is maybe how to put it.

Anyway, when I got in at 2 a.m. or so I checked my phone messages. And Remington had called me. Which was a surprise, as I'd figured he'd be gone the whole weekend off with Zoe as usual and I wouldn't hear from him. He said something like he hoped I was out having fun and not on the Internet (I wasn't!) because that would be silly, I think he wanted to talk to me, said if I got in before 3 a.m. to call him. Hmmm. So by the time I called, he'd just gone to bed. He'd been off at some role-playing D and D thing (I forgot 'bout that), and had to go to Orinda the next a.m., early...he wished I could beam myself to his place or something like that, which went on to comments about each other's evening, he thought I was going to be online all night expecting e-mail from him (I said no, I didn't figure I'd hear from him all weekend), messiness, me in a French maid's outfit (don't ask), him getting a hugeass trampoline for his house (ooh, goodie), and both of us saying "I miss you." A LOT. It got to the point where he said he should stop saying "I miss you" or else it'd become trite, and I said 1. you just said it again, and b. I like it. So we uh, continued. He said he'd try to call me late Sunday night if he got in (well, probably Monday).

What is happening to me?

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