"A watched phone never rings." Blair on One Life To Live
Well, this is my first spring break in college. I thought I was supposed to be drunk, passed out on the beach in a bikini by now. Ha. Don't I wish. Not that I wouldn't have liked to have done that . . . too bad I have no $ or friends to go with. Instead, I'm at home, shivering (thanks, El Nino). Thanks to the asshole who did UCD's schedule for the year, our spring break is very strange. It started on the 20th. The spring quarter starts on the first of April. Classes start on Friday.
Now, is that insane, or what? We don't even get two whole weekends off! What the hell?
From what I've heard, they used to plan out the schedules five years in advance, but for some reason they stopped doing that. Which explains why things are so screwy. And it gets worse next year . . . school starts on October 1. I shudder to think how the schedule will be that year.
What this means for me is that I can't see any of my friends from other schools because they were all off last week, and all my friends in Davis are going home (many of them to get laid). And most people in Livermore have school this week. I've spent my week doing my web page and getting yelled at (mostly for being on the Internet), in that order.
I don't have my driver's license (I'm a godawful driver), and my dad has now determined that he can no longer drive, so I'm being forced to take the permit test again tomorrow. This really pisses me off: I already said I'd do it this summer, so what's the rush? (Like I'm really in the mood to study after the Quarter From Hell) He claims that we'll practice on the weekends that I'm home, but I doubt it. All I ever do when I go home is get more groceries (at Lucky's), read old newspapers, and eat stuff that isn't dorm food. I studied that damn booklet for a half-hour yesterday, and that's been it. I know that I'm going to get into huge trouble if I don't do as the dictator says and take the test . . . but I really don't want to, especially since it's kind of pointless right now. However, since I've been yelled at a lot since I've been home (ah, home sweet home), I'd better do it. But dammit, I still don't want to!
On another rant, the Internet: I knew that this week would be the best time to set up my Web page, since I'd have nothing else that I was being forced to do. However . . . they are being a pain in the ass about it. Yes, I know that here they have to pay for it (at school I'm not charged, thank God) . . . but shoot, when I can I turn off the connection and just work on the page without it (like right now!). I'm trying to be nice, but all I get is "You're on the Internet again???" Here I also have to ask permission to use it (at home I have to ask permission to wipe my damn nose!). I also miss the message boards that I post on (The Tide & Spotfans Unplugged). Whenever I try to catch up on what's been going on, it takes an hour, and I then get bitched at. Especially since my dad's home all the time (except for now, since he went to his piano lesson) and monitoring everything I do. I'm reminding myself of Anna. The last time I saw her (in between finals we went to Demma's apartment for the weekend- it was Anna's break and I didn't have another final until Wednesday) she was going on about this country chat line she goes on, and how she was going to die without being able to chat for a week at home. I'm just lucky we have Internet access at home, even if we've got Netscape 2. But that's something that parents just don't understand about college students now. We get Internet access at school, use and enjoy it, then we're sent home without it and go into withdrawal. It rots. I so miss being able to go on for 4-5 a day if I damn well want to!
However, I don't know if I'll be able to do that the way that I'm used to now when I get back. Since Sarah moved out in February, I've had the room all to myself, without one of us having to get off the Internet for the other to use it (Webster is one of the two dorm buildings without Ethernet, which is why it's being rebuilt). Just before the end of the quarter, our suite got a notice (well, form letter- it didn't even know that there are two vacancies in here) saying that Michelle and I had to clean out the other sides of our rooms (or we'd be charged- now, is that fair to charge us because we don't have a roommate? Kinda sounds like that, doesn't it?) so they could move somebody else in before we came back. We don't know who we're getting (the notice said that if the person already lived on campus, they were supposed to get in contact with us- didn't happen- and if they didn't, then we were probably getting a transfer person). In a way I've missed having someone to talk to . . . but on the other hand, it's been cool having enough space for my stuff (my room is one of the smallest available- kinda ironic since one of the reasons I liked the dorms here is because the rooms are so big- well, NOT mine!). And then there's the freak factor . . . what kind of people move in at the end of the school year? The weirdos, the freaks, and the religious nuts. Greaaaat. Michelle and I are very worried. She's been going to bed really early (ten! yipes!) and getting up early for awhile, and she doesn't want to worry about living with a night owl. Being a night owl myself, I don't want to have an early-bird roommate either. I won't find out until Thursday night when I move back, but I'm already nervous.
And then there's The Moron.
I don't know what the hell has happened between us (more like, with him) since I moved to Davis. Before I moved, things were great, the casual dating thing was working, it was excellent. But since I moved, things have all gone to hell!
We had an arrangement in which I would call him whenever I was in town for the weekend (which turned out to be pretty often- Davis weekends are boring as shit!). I'd call him, and it would turn out that he'd be working, or have a job interview, or something like that- every time. I'm used to this happening with The Moron (he has to work his way through Lost Potential), but it's still annoying. And not only is The Moron a workaholic, he was taking 21 1/2 units last quarter! My God! It's not that he had to take that many (like every other Lost Potentialite, he's not graduating in two years). And this semester he's taking 18! When a full load is 12 units, there is something wrong here. But since it's not my life, (and I used to schedule my life like this too, so I'm not one to talk. But at least I got over it!) I can't say anything to him about it. He has never called me since I moved (e-mailed me once after I'd e-mailed him 3 times- he has hotmail and rarely checks it). Sure, maybe it's lack of time (this quarter he's always been at work when I called- this is at 10:30 p.m.), or the bills, but I'm not so sure.
During the holidays he was working at Stoneridge, so I didn't see him then either (except for when I was at the mall), except on the last night I was home. And I'm no longer sure that he wanted to see me. He made it sound as if he did on the phone . . . but if I hadn't happened to call him to say that I was going to the mall later that night to visit him (I was going to try to see him sometime), and I found out that he had the night off after all . . . I do not think that (despite his nice words to the contrary) he would have tried to get together with me.
And as for the date . . . well, it sucked. He was acting the same way as he did last spring break . . . when he decided that we should just be friends. He refused to hold my hand or even touch me at the movies. The jackass. I didn't ask him why he was acting like that (frankly, I didn't want to hear it again). Since then, I still haven't heard from him. The next weekend I was home (it was a day or two after his birthday, I'd sent a card) I called him again. This time he was all, "Well, I have no $ . . . and the car's broken . . . and I have two hundred pages to read . . . " And while I'm sure all of that was true (with him it usually is) . . . somehow I was just getting bad vibes from the whole thing. This "go away" vibe. I didn't feel that during the rest of the conversation (it went normally- oh, and he said that he had meant to call me about the card but he forgot- whatever), but it left a nasty taste in my mouth. Since then, I have not called and let him know when I was in town. Well, I used to try, but when he was home I stopped leaving messages. (Apparently nobody at his house gives him messages- I called him before spring break, left one with his mother, and never heard from him until I ran into him accidentally a week later- he had no idea I was in town. Sheesh.)
Well, since it was spring break and all . . . (he's off this week- the one person I would have been able to hang out with)I called Wednesday night to say I'd be coming back Thursday. Again, he wasn't home, so I had to leave a message.
I have never heard from him since.
And I don't know what the hell's going on.
I know what he's like with phone messages. He even calls his ex Michaela back when she calls, and he can't stand her. So why the hell won't he call me anymore, even to blow me off?
I knew he was a stupid jerk, but I didn't think he was that much of a stupid jerk.
I don't like being in this position. I don't want to let the friendship/whatever disappear, but he ain't helping, and I'm tired of doing all the work here. (And yes, he did call me at least half the time before I moved).
(And wouldn't you know it, "You Were Meant For Me" is playing on the radio. How depressingly appropriate . . . maybe I'll explain that one later on. 
And I'll explain the gold frog too. Okay, back to the rant:)
I'm sick of hanging in midair here, but if I confront him I may go kinda nuts. When I confront people and get really pissed off, I tend to hit below the belt verbally. (An example- once in a fight I told my mother that I hated my grandfather. Fortunately for me she was over her worshipping him stage, so I didn't get in trouble). And I'm damn tired of having to call him to see what's going on.
I know that this sounds trite and stupid, but this isn't how he normally behaves. I know what he's like with other people who live far away, and until now he's been good at contacting them. Maybe it's just me, I don't know . . . this is a little extreme even for him to act. But right now I'm so cranky and suspicious that I'd be betting that he talks to the rest of them more than me.
I don't want to call him again and see what's happened . . . but if I don't things go nowhere. And yes, I know that I should have dumped this guy ages ago. Sometime I'll get into why I haven't . . . but not right now. And I have dated two other guys since I moved, so I AM seeing other people! So there.
I don't even want to see him actually . . . I hate to say it, but if things aren't going to be romantic, then I don't want to be around him in person and get reminded of it. I just want to talk to him on the phone once in a while. Is that so bad?
Actually, I think he'd be surprised if I ever told him how I really want things to go . . . I want a lot less than he thinks. I don't want to insist on him calling me every night (I suspect that this is what Elena does with her boyfriend Aaron . . . he seems to be particularly well-trained) or stuff like that . . . but noooooo, he can't handle it.
I was reading one of Breakup Girl's columns (March 16), and it said that if the person wasn't willing to work for it, then nothing was happening. I keep trying to remind myself of this every day.
Links to other sites on the Web
Breakup Girl
The Tide
Spotfans Unplugged
Animation Station
Icon Bazaar
Graphics Station
Text last updated: March 30, 1998. Pictures added April 6, 1998.
If you feel like e-mailing me, go ahead . . . but do it at gr3ruth@pacbell.net until April 2, okay?
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